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Journal: Lesson #003 - Trolling the OS choice of Slashbots 5

Journal by How2Troll

Trolling the operating system choice of Slashbots is VARY easy. Old troll standards, such as BSD is dying troll still garner replies, even though the veteran slashbots have seen them hundreds, if not thousands, of times. You can expect to a get a reply like this to your INTELLIGENTLY CRAFTED OS troll:
 
 

"Blah! My operating system is bigger than yours! I'm a slashbot! You're wrong! I'm right!"

You're probably salivating over the THOUSANDS of bites you'll be getting on your OS trolls. But, to get these bites, you must avoid the dreaded off-topic or troll moderations. To avoid these:

      1. Post in a story where the troll is on-topic
          EXAMPLE: Not done correctly
          EXAMPLE: Done correctly
      2. Post with links to show how right you are.
          EXAMPLE: Not done correctly
          EXAMPLE: Done correctly (but see #3)
      3. DON'T post a *BSD is dying troll

That's our lesson for today. I'm preparing an ULTRA-MASTAH TROLLING LESSON FOR Y'ALLZ to be posted soon. Until then, keep trolling!

Slashdot.org

Journal: Lesson #002: Posting a (good) first post 3

Journal by How2Troll

NOTE: All of the slashbots and editors reading this lesson might be wondering

"WTF! I thought the primary thing to do on Slashdot is get karma! Why are these guys trying to get first posts? Are they gay or something?"

If you are thinking this, you are VARY right and VARY wrong. You are VARY right because most trolls are openly gay. But you are also VARY wrong because the only purpose of Slashdot is not to gain karma, it is to make fun of da evil editors and Slashbots. This is accomplished by trolling, which is too long to explain in this lesson. But the exposure of first posts allow us to make fun of you stupid fucking slashbots and editors very easily.

STEP 1 : Download RDF Fetcher (requires Windows and .NET framework) from this page (second from the top), and install.

STEP 2 : RDF Fetcher makes it VARY easy to get first posts by constantly checking www.slashdot.org for any updates. If it's updated, you are 99% sure it was updated with a new story! If there is a new story, you can be 99% sure there is a new opportunity for a first post, and a mastah troll! (see below for details)

STEP 3 : To be a mastah first post troll, you have to be subtle, as with all trolling. Rather than, "f1rst pr05t, Tux sux0rz teh MSN Butterfly LOL!" (example), say "f1rst pr05t, and the recent kernel updates didn't fix compiling speed any". Just make stuff up! (example) It is still guaranteed to generate a response from an angry pimpled 12 year old (example) upset you said his compiling time was slow.

STEP 4 : There is no step four.

STEP 5 : ???

STEP 6 : PROFIT!!!

The Almighty Buck

Journal: Lesson #001: The "PROFIT" method. 1

Journal by How2Troll
PREPARE FOR THE HOW2TROLL TROLLING WORKSHOP
Dedicated to teaching quality Trolling skillz

STEP 1 : Pick a story and search through for a highly-rated or otherwise prominent comment in which someone uses a nubmered list. For example, you want to find something like this:

EXAMPLE:

  1. Blah!
  2. Blah!
  3. Blah!

For example, I selected this post [slashdot.org] as a prime target. There are only a few things to keep in mind: pick an active story and a comment that'll be seen by a lot of people as the target of your troll. The comment MUST contain a numbered list, similar to the above, although the exact style of numbering can vary. Also, try to pick a comment that hasn't already been trolled this way. Every comment with a numbered list will eventually get hit, so you want to be quick.

STEP 2 : Take careful note of the method of numbering that your target post is using. It really doesn't matter, as long as it's numbered. For example, in this post I use text like "STEP 1", "STEP 2", etc. Note this carefully. This method of trolling makes the most sense when the list is a list of ordered steps (such as this vary document you are reading), BUT if the numbered list is something different, such as "REASON 1:", "REASON 2:", etc., hit it anyway! Your troll will be more esoetric and non-sequitur, but all the better: trolling doesn't always HAVE to make sense. Sometimes it's fun to confuse people.

STEP 3 : Now you'll put the information gained from step 2 to good use, as you attack the target you selected. This is where it gets complicated, so pay attention. This is easiest to explain with a couple of examples. Let's say your target looks like this:

TARGET POST:

  • 1. I am a Slashbot!
  • 2. Gosh, I hope I don't get trolled!
  • 3. Blah blah blah, whore for karma!
  • 4. In conclusion, I'm SO smart!

Now, to pull off your masterful act of trollage, you'll want to sneak in, post a reply, and do this:

TROLL REPLY:

  • 4. ???
  • 5. PROFIT!

Let's say that the post you're replying to is a bit more complex:

TARGET POST:
Reasons Linix is so great!
*REASON 1: My allowance won't cover expensive software.
*REASON 2: Completely off-topic rant about Microsoft.
*REASON 3: I love Linix!!

Now you want to come in and do this:

TROLL REPLY:
*REASON 4: ???
*REASON 5: PROFIT!

Note what I did there: I emulated the exact style of his numbered list, and then added to it in order to cleverly troll him. THAT is the key. If he numbers his list using bold, use bold. If your target uses all caps, use all caps. If he uses Roman Numerals, use Roman Numerals (hint: I II III IV V VI VII VII IX X, then everything repeats from there), etc. Make YOUR list seem like an naturally-flowing conclusion to your TARGET's list. Then give him HELL! Here's the general key:

TARGET POST:
1. Blah!
2. Blah!
3. Blah!
...
X. Blah!

TROLL REPLY
X+1. ???
X+2. PROFIT!

I know it gets complicated when you throw in the algebra, but you should be able to do it. Keep track of the numbers on a piece of paper if you have to. It's VARY difficult, but once you try it out, you'll get the hang of it. It's an aquired skill that can only be improved through hard work and practice. So get out there and troll!

Here's a summary:

STEP 1 : Pick your target (active, contains numbered list)
STEP 2 : Gather information (style of the numbered list)
STEP 3 : Nail the target by adding on to his own list!
STEP 4 : ???
STEP 5 : PROFIT!

See, I even did it to my own damn list! That's how easy it is once you become a master at this discipline of trolling! Good luck, young Jedi!!! Go out and troll the world, you motherfucking cuntrag bitches!!!

News

Journal: Introduction 4

Journal by How2Troll

Hello students.

I have created this account in order to avoid any blame for the crapflooding of my recent seminal writing about the "profit" method.

Enjoy, the better response I get, the more a regular feature these lessons will become.

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Working...