First off make sure all the people in charge are technically illiterate. As a matter of fact it's better if they are laughably useless at even operating their own machines for even their small e-mail and spreadsheet requirements. To do it properly you don't have to actually be able to do the work hands on yourself but you have to have enough brains to do a technical job, make sure they are actual morons in charge. Moronic Bloody Assholes may be shortened to MBA on the resumes, those are the ones you want. MBAs who go around spewing idiocy like "You don't have to be technical to manage technical people" they are awesome for lowering morale. First of all it establishes that the company thinks you are less than this half-wit. It also keeps them from getting any ideas that they may one day get a meaningful promotion in their own field over someone who can't even use a computer. Since these explaining what the fuck is happening minute by minute to these people is a full time job they won't engage in any productive activities that would likely result in you having to give them a raise.
Make sure you over hype those tiny perks while their effective compensation shrinks due to frozen raises for the workers who have to handhold these morons in charge through their day. Give the counter productive morons big raises. In fact when they screw up so badly that you have to fire them make sure you give them a huge pay out. It has to be a larger payout for their fuckup than any technical person gets for doing their job in an exemplary fashion.
Take away all their workspace, storage space and privacy, while open concept half cubicles have been scientifically proven detrimental to productivity..fuck it do it anyway. Make sure junior people in other departments keep their work space.
When you lay off good workers make sure you keep the managers that made them noncompetitive and make them vendor managers. Get them to make training resources and work to train the unskilled foreign labour that will replace them. Make sure that people in other departments with less responsibility and lower performance get raises and promotions.
When they come strutting into your office for their annual review with a big pile of awards for the amazing work they did, give them an average for a rating, this works awesome when the person actually sets a company record. Give them a reason you made up by randomly selecting business jargon, "sure you saved the company a few million dollars but you were too vertically oriented in your approach to the interdisciplinary RACI Matrix".
ITIL, if spastic computer illiterate government accountants came up with an IT governance strategy..it would still be better than ITIL . If you like ITIL you probably wear a tie to work every day and someone should take away your computer before you hurt yourself.
Read the synopsis of a bunch of business books and throw around a bunch of terms from management fads. If they get on board and try to implement what you requested just switch to a different management fad and leave them twisting in the wind. We come up with management fads to get you to do things not to get us working together like it says in the manual..yeah we didn't read that manual.
The basic cycle is to get them to come up with cost saving measures, say you're going to implement them until the expensive prep work is all done and then change your mind for no logical reason, rinse, repeat.
When you waste all the money they saved in spite of you tell them they are a cost centre and cut their budget.
If they do anything but grin ear to ear about this whole mess, tell them they have a bad attitude.
Refuse to come up with any solutions or any vision, whenever someone comes up with a creative, cheap solution don't even give them the respect of a real reply just a blank imbecile stare. You may have to practice in the mirror but if you're from a business background chances are you have this one down pat.
This is a patent pending set of business processes. As soon as the patent comes through I'll be suing 90% of the corporations for stealing my technology.