Seriously, how do you teach someone something if you're always giving them what they want?
These don't have anything to do with each other. I don't learn more when things are taken away from me, do you? It certainly doesn't give me any guidance about how to have safe sex, or how to make smart decisions about drugs. Those are not things that deserve punishment, they deserve mature and useful education and emotional involvement.
Should students always be allowed to pick their GPA at the end of the semester? Should all the competitors at a wrestling meet get the same trophy?
In what world do you think "guidance and compassion" equals destroying the meaning of achievement?
Sure an iphone doesn't have much to do with "not getting knocked up", but material rewards are a pretty standard thing in today's world.
Seems to be working just fine. Right?
What's this scenario where you're giving "guidance and compassion" to the kid smoking dope at school
I would teach about the risks and rewards of different kinds of experimentation, the differences between law and morality, provide insights into where I've made mistakes and how I dealt with them, and set very clear expectations about when I will or will not consider usage a problem deserving intervention. That intervention would never result in unrelated punishment. This is all about direct involvement in real education about serious matters, rather than a convoluted risk-reward system that doesn't impart any wisdom or prepare the child for future decisions.
rather than simply depriving him of a reward (car family really couldn't afford) likely intended to specifically reward good behavior, rather than to simply help with getting to school and groceries (car family can afford).
I'm not sure I understand your meaning, but I would not buy my kid a car to reward behavior, and I would not give a child any kind of gift and then take it away as punishment.
Get a group together, light some incense, and encircle him for three straight hours, mumbling joo joo? Get him a nice long massage? Make sure he gets that happy ending he always wanted?
Not sure who or what you're attacking here, but I never suggested anything like this.
Seriously, how the bloody hell do you think you're going to get anywhere with that kid
By caring, encouraging mutual trust and respect, and responding to problems and risks with sane, relevant solutions that I can explain clearly. In the event that the problem is that the child has actually done harm, the solution may well be a form of punishment that's relevant and appropriate.
or are you just one of those that points and says "that's punishment, it must be wrong", with absolutely no practical solutions besides adding shit like Common Core to the curriculum and complaining about how someone failed them a long time ago?
More nonsense strawman attacks. Really not sure where this stuff is coming from.
Just like not everyone learns the same, not everyone responds to reward systems the same.
You're attacking me because I don't think taking away a cell phone has anything to do with educating a child about making safe and smart sex choices. What adult would think that makes sense? But you expect a teenager to handle it better?
quit blaming them for every damn thing little Timmy does that pisses you off
Still don't know what you're talking about. Did you mistake me for someone else?
My advice - take the reward away now, and give him this "guidance and compassion" later.
Well, that will have pretty predictable effects.
rewards get tied to behavior, and aren't just consistent things in his life no matter what
I don't think the former is what you've described, and the latter isn't anything like what I've described. You've described a scenario in which "rewards" are capricious bribes that stand in for meaningfully guiding children through the obstacles that endanger them. I've described a scenario wherein the response to a potential problem should be determined by the circumstances of the potential problem and be aimed at producing a stronger, better educated child with more trust and respect for the parent guiding them.
Sure, all of that takes patience, and much of it requires learning as you go along. It probably means making some mistakes. So? Having children is a huge responsibility. It can't just be solved with bribery and manipulation.