hey. So it was memorial day weekend. lovely. I played softball for the first time in a long long time. it was nice I did semi alright. yesterday I had nothing to do and ended up at Zach's house. worst idea ever. just wanna put that out there. Like it's not that I'm not friends with him. he's a jerk. but I put up with that, what ever. no big deal. I'm over it.
yeah I'm at school right now. it's lovely- not really. but there are only a couple weeks left, not even. I can't wait for summer. I need a new job cause the Clemens thing isn't working, actually it's me that's not working. haha. I haven't since I've gotten sick. so my cousin and some of his friends are going to six flags soon. duno when but it'll be sweet as anything. I can't wait to ride roller coasters, and go bungey jumping and stuff. haha.
so most boys suck a whole lot. I've decided I'm done with them for a while. it's funny how everytime I say this it never happens, I like attention way way too much. it's how the whole Zach thing happened, it's not even that big of a deal but I'm making it. so what I hooked up with him, it was horrible. He's still a jerk. and I'm better then him. alright, I'm going to try and get some work done.

I haven't written in here in ages. I haven't talked to Tom in forever which is sad. Last night was Junior Prom and it was freakin amazing. Honestly I had so much fun. I went with Eric and it was super sweet. My dad was really angry that I was going with him because he's "too old for me" what ever. I'm not too worried about it. it wasn't a "date" bleh. it was so much fun. he had a good time too and that's all that matters, we are going to 80's night with my cousin and a couple of friends of his. it's gonna be sweet as hell.

I hope you all are doing well.

so it's been like eight years.
they tell me I have mono again which blows majorly.
I kinda have a boy. Tom told me not to like him but he's being super cute and stuff what ever. we'll see how things go, I'm really picky about boys anyway.
I don't have time to do anything anymore. I am getting offers to go to these college art programs during the summer but I can't go because of softball.
I love softball a whole lot but I need more art experience. ugh.
I need a new digital camera because mine is MIA has been for months.
I did get a new cell phone and plan so that's sweet.
Boy makes me smile a whole lot.
Eric dumped his physco girlfriend thank god.
Maureen is still dying.
I'm never okay either.
work blows I just don't go anymore.
I want boy to get over here cause I need a hug.
bleh I'm done.

So I almost scored in negitive numbers on the SATs
Tom darling would you care to dress up as a girl and take them for me please?
if this test was out of like a grade, I would have a solid D
you all should be smart enough to put two and two together.

so yesterday on the way to work I was driving on curly hill road by my house, its a faster way to get to work the speed limit is forty, so opposing traffic is passing me and one car passes and behind it bounds a deer, not a big one but a deer, I jam on my breaks. I hit the damn thing at about four miles an hour. I'm fine, the car is fine besides a cracked head light, the deer ran away. I hope it dies. I was so scared. my dad was making fun of me about it because he had a problem with the fact I didn't see it. I ended up crying a couple of times because I was so upset.
what ever. I'm over it. but seroiusly things like to jump out in front of me, on the way home the day I got my license a guy on a bike comes out from inbetween traffic on stump road, I was just turning onto it and stopped with more then enough space. but the douche bag almost got hit.

I got my license.
discuss.

So nothing exciting has really happened, I have an extention on the marking period, by two weeks, to get my anatomy done, and my Art II project completed. Tomorrow night I'm going to a show at the teen center because Maureen wants to see The Faithless Heros because her love interest is their drummer. He's a good kid I guess I don't know him that well. Saturday is Tony's show, and the Halfway House show, I'm going with Stephie to Tony's then after I see her brothers band I'm going to go to the Halfway House show cause Dead Again might not be playing, SATs are Saturday morning, I'm kinda worried. Tuesday I go for my drivers test again, I'm kinda nervous, I would like to go out and parelle park another couple times. I think I've got the hang of it now. College is getting to be annoying. I've got 20 schools that I want to look into now I've got to do a lot of research, bleh. I really would like to get into Tyler that'd pretty much be amazing, or Kutztown. Kutztown would be the big dog of it all seriously. I want to go for Graphic Design and Photography. le sigh. I really would like a boy figure I could date, one that won't ignore me after a week, one that won't get a girlfirend after a couple weeks/months... one that'd actually ask me out. something like that. what ever. I'm gonna lay back and see what happens, I always say that and nothing ever does happen. what ever. I'm tired. My essay I thought was great is now crap, cause I read it over after reading something my good friend Shain wrote, and now it's shit seroiusly. Why did I think it was good? I was soo proud of it. I think I just can't stand I'm not amazing at something.

I really would like to bed held. Today was decent I suppose. Nothing overly exciting happened besides not having a test today in two classes, but both are tomorrow. boo. I've got loads of anatomy still to do. bah. I'm going in early tomorrow to finish up some photo stuff. to try and ge it all in. so I've gotta go to bed and stuff fairly early. Today seemed to drag by. I stayed after again for photo, not that exciting. I feel like I'm trying to decide what I want to do with my life too early almost... like I don't feel like I'm going to have any memories from highschool really. I don't talk to many people, only a few. Mainly because all my friends don't go to highschool really. and in the last two weeks, there were two seniors that thought I was a senior, and one of them thought I was a senior last year..I guess my senioritis is really apparent...so Tony, what about this boy. I honestly don't know. I like him, sorta. Like he has potiental. I don't think he'll feel the same way for me as I would about him. I've been feeling kind of lonely lately. what ever. I'm really fuckin cocky. Honestly I hate it, I really really stop being so over confident. I used to be so Modest and stuff.
seroiusly christ almighty put me in my fucking place
But tomorrow I'm going to a show I haven't been to a show in ages, Ton-dog is gonna be there. haha. Live Fast Die, Forever I burn, War Torn Life, Head First Harlot, and some other band. it should be a lot of fun, I wanna dance my ass off. I need to hit some people and stuff and feel good hahahaha. I'm going to go do some anatomy cause I honestly gotta get my shit together.

so I'm kind of thinking about claiming edge...I mean I don't do anything, but I don't know, I've never been much for rules/guidelines/lables...I usualy like to do things on my own terms, and have people trust me because they do. Not because I'm 'part of a group' so to speak.

In other news Tony doesn't like me...well here's how the conversation went.

(23:11:02) Rachel: I'm kinda afraid of getting to close :/
(23:11:19) Tony: mmm, well i wont try anything anymore if u dont want me to
(23:11:19) Rachel: attatched more so... I guess
(23:11:25) Tony: i know what u mean
(23:11:38) Tony: im not tryin to play nobody
(23:11:46) Tony: i dont need that rep
(23:11:51) Rachel: yeah
(23:12:28) Rachel: I just see this as potentialy hurtful to me
(23:12:36) Rachel: because it's happened that way the last like 8 times
(23:13:03) Rachel: I like boy, boy kinda pretends to like me we end up kissing, I like boy more boy gets other girlfriend or tell me that they pretty much hate my guts
(23:13:10) Rachel: minus how I kiss or something which blows
(23:13:13) Rachel: what ever
(23:13:32) Tony: i wouldnt do/say either
(23:13:52) Rachel: but then I'd still get attatched
(23:14:22) Tony: understood
(23:14:31) Rachel: I mean I'm willing to risk things I guess
(23:14:43) Rachel: I need to think about it more
(23:14:46) Tony: yeah
(23:14:52) Tony: i mean, we're friends
(23:15:00) Tony: and you are damn attractive
(23:15:05) Rachel: thanks
(23:15:10) Tony: yup yup
(23:15:16) Rachel: but looks arent anything
(23:15:24) Tony: lol
(23:15:48) Tony: uve been cool to me ever since ive known u so u dont bother me one bit

I called him last night to talk more about it because I had thought a little bit and stuff, but he never called me back I had left a voice mail... I was going to say I kind of promised myself after the first time I have sex it wouldn't be me just getting fucked. or anything just casual. I kinda think he might like me a little. maybe? hopefully. but he's too afraid of liking someone else or the prospect of liking someone else cause he still loves Heather (his ex-girlfriend) but he's had girlfriends over the summer and stuff. I don't know, hopefully I can make him like me, no not make him like me. just hang around with him, and have him see how awesome I am I guess
OH I've decided I'm getting to fucking concited, people all over the place are telling me I'm pretty or something, and now I pretty much come off as an arrogant prick, and I fuckin hate it, I need somoene to tell me I'm worthless and horrible and the ugliest person ever, Maybe I won't be so over confident about stuff. It's starting to bother me.
but in other news, Tomorrow I'm curling my hair and wearing the dress I wore to homecoming, and I'm gonna wear makeup. The last like 10 minutes of last block jackie wanted to do my makeup lmao. it was hysterical. she like messed up doing the eye liner and was like UHHHH OHH I just was like what what what she's like nothing it looks awesome lmao. she fixed it. but it was pretty funny. it looks cute. but its a lot of makeup for me, I don't usualy wear any. Which I guess is a good thing that I don't need like twenty layers of makeup to look good. THERE I GO WITH BEING CONCIETED. uggggh.


I just wrote this in my xanga.

I've been thinking a lot lately.
good bad and inbetween.
about a lot of stuff.
what I want to do with my life, and morals.
I never really had morals.
Never lived by any sort of rules..
Other then live everyday like it's your last.
but that's not really a moral or rule.
I don't try to make a big deal of things, cause
1.it's a waste of energy
2.things work out in the end
3.nothing actually matters at all really.
I don't want to get fucked over again like all the other times.
Especially this one time in particular.
I wish I had a higher standards for myself.
I wish I wasn't so concieted anymore.
I really need someone to just let me have it.
I feel like I've become this arrogant asshole, that only thinks of herself anymore.
I've also been really angry.
I don't like it.
I wish I was nice again like I used to be...
but I don't want to get walked all over.
but it always happens because I'm too submissive and don't like to confront people.
I need to do a lot of self improvement.
In other news, Florida trip might be cancelled, there is an emergency meeting tonight. If thats the case I want to go to the show on Friday really badly. I want to dress up all cute and stuff, I don't know what I'm gonna be.
If I am still playing in Florida, we are playing in the Dolphin's stadium. That's slightly exciting.
I need to not jump at any affection that is given to me.
I need to not be so clingy, and attatching.
I'm like a fucking squid.
I need to pack tonight, but I will after the meeting because I don't want to pack and then have to unpack.
I just ate a really good salad.
I can't wait until I can start working out again, and getting in shape.
I mean I lost 10 pounds, but I want to get really toned again and buff. well not buff, but I lost a lot of muscle so I want it back.
I'm done. I think I'm going to go read some anatomy stuff, and work on my dry point project for art.

but I think I'm going to go.

xoxo
Rachel

HALLOWEEN COSTUME '05

costume idea one

costume idea two

New Hair color one

New hair color two

So Saturday night was homecoming, worst idea I've ever had. honest to god. Junior prom will probably be even worse. what ever. but I still feel bad me and best friend left our date like half was through, to go hang out with boy I like. Which was fun, we drove around trying to find a gas station, when really I think the Costal was open, but still we drove to 202 and county line and got gas, I wrote on the windows cause the gas pump wouldn't take Tony's credit card or something. He's cute when he's mad. hahaha. but yeah we went back to west and hung out and talked in the car. Other kids showed up we talked to them outside in the rain, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck it was cute. :3 no need to kill this one big brother. but yeah, we ended up kissing once it was super cute and all. and he called me that night and we talked for a while. :3 Hopefully I'm not just getting my hopes up and stuff, I'm trying really hard not to get attatched...quickly at least. baah. What evs. School time.
&hearts

so um. the guy that tested me was a jerk. it was pouring and he failed the 5 poeple in front of me. within 20 minutes. I was shaking when I was parallel parking. I explained to him in the begining that I was really nervous, and especialy how my friend just died in a car accident on (last) Friday. He didn't even say hello or introduce himself, I thought they would be slightly nicer jesus you just like slammed yourself on my seat Jesus Christ have the decency to say hello how are you at least. So he was mean, failed me on the parallel parking which was first, and I was like a foot and a couple inches too far away. I cut the wheel too soon because I was so nervous, when he said I failed, I almost cried, I'm not used to failing anything, what every I do I do it once and I'm good at it. God. slash sigh. What ever. I'm not able to take my test next Friday cause it wouldn't let me sign up there. So my next test is on November 8th, and my dad said once I get my license I'm not drving anywhere which is ridiculous. So tonight I wasn't allowed to go anywhere I decided to wallow and watch the Ashlee Simpson Show, and ate candy corn. alright and we are gonna hvae a poll for what hair color I should do next. these are very old for the record...well most of them.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. this is what I look like now.

bleh what evs. I look ridiculously young in most of those, because I am. ugh. oh and the funeral was so hard. I found Eric and I gave him a huge hug, and this is the boy I adore, absolutly truely adore, he's pretty much everything I look for in a guy, in my eyes hes pretty much perfect, he's one of my best friends, and one of the only people I feel completly safe with. I can totally let my gaurd down and just let loose. I can walk around in my underware infront of him and not give a shit, I can puke in his bathroom and hell just kinda cuddle up with me on his bed while we watched movies. (this is all happened before he got a girlfriend and moved twice which was earlier this year like january-june ish) Well I hugged him and he was shaking, he was trying so hard not to cry. He's cried in my lap before he just kinda shakes, you can see the tears in his eyes, you can feel it in his touch, hear it in his voice to the trained ear, we hugged for like a minute and a half or more. I miss his hugs. I really honestly do. He is such a great guy, he doesn't deserve this. His brother was 18. He was engaged. It was really heart wrenching. I love you Eric freakin Wagner, you're my favorite beyond pretty much everyone.

Rest In Peace: Michael F. Wagner December 22nd 1986- October 7th 2005

we share the same birthday, but I am two years younger.

My friend Eric, his younger brother Mike died on Friday. He was driving in the rain, his car slid off the road and he crashed into a tree. I'm going to the funeral on Thursday. I've been to one funeral in my whole life, and one veiwing. I'm increibly scared, I haven't cried yet, but I know if I see Eric crying I'm not going to be able to take it. It's really upseting, and it put me in a horrible mood.

On another note, Matt and I are going out to lunch Thursday before the funeral. I don't really know where we are going but, it's going to be somewhere in town, I'm going to go to Gap and Chealse's to find a dress to wear to the funeral, and the wedding(I'm going to Maureen's cousin's wedding on Saturday) Yeah. I've been in school now full time the past two days, I've got so much crap I need to get done its ridiculous.

that's all I've got to say, oh and that people just keep dying here. 5 people have died in a month and a half and I've been seperated by them all buy one person. It's just so scary.

oh and fourth block yesterday we were telling ghost stories, and now im sprinting through the hall way because its dark and uninviting. I'm such a puss. I love fourth block though, we are having a party becaue today was Ashley's birthday, but she went shopping instead. I'm making brownies. I really love brownies

so uh boy doesn't like me. I'm so naive sometimes it makes me wanna puke.

okay so the mono is getting better minus the fact I've got a complication with it, which is hives all over my entier body, I mean they are everywhere. inbetween my fingers and on the plams of my hands, up and down my legs, across my stomach and back, linning my arms. it itches and hurts. and is incredibly uncomfterble. so uh i kinda got an ity bity crush on tony connor, tony bangarang or who i like to call vegas. yeah i duno whats gonna come of that. probably nothing because i suck at realtionships and stuff. im gonna go to sleep cause im still sick and stuff we have off from school tomorrow maybe ill actually sit down and do some school work.