crimes!'s Journal: .028

so I'm kind of thinking about claiming edge...I mean I don't do anything, but I don't know, I've never been much for rules/guidelines/lables...I usualy like to do things on my own terms, and have people trust me because they do. Not because I'm 'part of a group' so to speak.

In other news Tony doesn't like me...well here's how the conversation went.

(23:11:02) Rachel: I'm kinda afraid of getting to close :/
(23:11:19) Tony: mmm, well i wont try anything anymore if u dont want me to
(23:11:19) Rachel: attatched more so... I guess
(23:11:25) Tony: i know what u mean
(23:11:38) Tony: im not tryin to play nobody
(23:11:46) Tony: i dont need that rep
(23:11:51) Rachel: yeah
(23:12:28) Rachel: I just see this as potentialy hurtful to me
(23:12:36) Rachel: because it's happened that way the last like 8 times
(23:13:03) Rachel: I like boy, boy kinda pretends to like me we end up kissing, I like boy more boy gets other girlfriend or tell me that they pretty much hate my guts
(23:13:10) Rachel: minus how I kiss or something which blows
(23:13:13) Rachel: what ever
(23:13:32) Tony: i wouldnt do/say either
(23:13:52) Rachel: but then I'd still get attatched
(23:14:22) Tony: understood
(23:14:31) Rachel: I mean I'm willing to risk things I guess
(23:14:43) Rachel: I need to think about it more
(23:14:46) Tony: yeah
(23:14:52) Tony: i mean, we're friends
(23:15:00) Tony: and you are damn attractive
(23:15:05) Rachel: thanks
(23:15:10) Tony: yup yup
(23:15:16) Rachel: but looks arent anything
(23:15:24) Tony: lol
(23:15:48) Tony: uve been cool to me ever since ive known u so u dont bother me one bit

I called him last night to talk more about it because I had thought a little bit and stuff, but he never called me back I had left a voice mail... I was going to say I kind of promised myself after the first time I have sex it wouldn't be me just getting fucked. or anything just casual. I kinda think he might like me a little. maybe? hopefully. but he's too afraid of liking someone else or the prospect of liking someone else cause he still loves Heather (his ex-girlfriend) but he's had girlfriends over the summer and stuff. I don't know, hopefully I can make him like me, no not make him like me. just hang around with him, and have him see how awesome I am I guess
OH I've decided I'm getting to fucking concited, people all over the place are telling me I'm pretty or something, and now I pretty much come off as an arrogant prick, and I fuckin hate it, I need somoene to tell me I'm worthless and horrible and the ugliest person ever, Maybe I won't be so over confident about stuff. It's starting to bother me.
but in other news, Tomorrow I'm curling my hair and wearing the dress I wore to homecoming, and I'm gonna wear makeup. The last like 10 minutes of last block jackie wanted to do my makeup lmao. it was hysterical. she like messed up doing the eye liner and was like UHHHH OHH I just was like what what what she's like nothing it looks awesome lmao. she fixed it. but it was pretty funny. it looks cute. but its a lot of makeup for me, I don't usualy wear any. Which I guess is a good thing that I don't need like twenty layers of makeup to look good. THERE I GO WITH BEING CONCIETED. uggggh.


I just wrote this in my xanga.

I've been thinking a lot lately.
good bad and inbetween.
about a lot of stuff.
what I want to do with my life, and morals.
I never really had morals.
Never lived by any sort of rules..
Other then live everyday like it's your last.
but that's not really a moral or rule.
I don't try to make a big deal of things, cause
1.it's a waste of energy
2.things work out in the end
3.nothing actually matters at all really.
I don't want to get fucked over again like all the other times.
Especially this one time in particular.
I wish I had a higher standards for myself.
I wish I wasn't so concieted anymore.
I really need someone to just let me have it.
I feel like I've become this arrogant asshole, that only thinks of herself anymore.
I've also been really angry.
I don't like it.
I wish I was nice again like I used to be...
but I don't want to get walked all over.
but it always happens because I'm too submissive and don't like to confront people.
I need to do a lot of self improvement.
In other news, Florida trip might be cancelled, there is an emergency meeting tonight. If thats the case I want to go to the show on Friday really badly. I want to dress up all cute and stuff, I don't know what I'm gonna be.
If I am still playing in Florida, we are playing in the Dolphin's stadium. That's slightly exciting.
I need to not jump at any affection that is given to me.
I need to not be so clingy, and attatching.
I'm like a fucking squid.
I need to pack tonight, but I will after the meeting because I don't want to pack and then have to unpack.
I just ate a really good salad.
I can't wait until I can start working out again, and getting in shape.
I mean I lost 10 pounds, but I want to get really toned again and buff. well not buff, but I lost a lot of muscle so I want it back.
I'm done. I think I'm going to go read some anatomy stuff, and work on my dry point project for art.

but I think I'm going to go.

xoxo
Rachel