I exist, I remember a lot of things in the journey of my life. Does it really matter if my brain is generating the reality i experience? who put the programs in my mind there? family? School? what is the driving function of my mind?
I recently changed my life philosophy from 'do whatever i feel like' to 'make happy memories with the people i communicate with' it wasn't an easy transition, because some people know my programming too well, and seem to think i am bound by my past.
the past is just a collection of variables and lines of triggers. that isn't what binds me. because now as always i can completely regenerate my programs to a prior state with little difficulty. there are thoughts that get lost, sure but i know about causality i know about loops, i know about code bloat and lies of tech marketing.
does it matter if my mind stores 1.25 TB of data at any given moment? does it matter that i can reorganize my thoughts with a few 50GB blurays of content i saw before?
so i am going to marry someone in the time i have left, i haven't gotten engaged yet, but the program has been initiated and the info streams are very much so saying it to me. since i changed my goals i changed my future and by changing my future i have made many strides into having a chance to be the person my mother was trying to program me to be.
the proof that i changed the future is in the fact that i can do things that were once impossible for me. and i see how many people are trying to be me, now with much greater clarity of mind. why? because for the most part i am happy now, and people have been trying to experience the happiness i experience for quite a while, though i was very depressed for a very long time, even into this new phase i have depression, but it is weak depression, something i can easily deal with though i would like to be on a medicine for it, it would seem that i don't actually need a pill, because i can generate the happy memories at will very easily since i redefined what makes me happy.
but it is possible to be happy and depressed, the thoughts are not mutually exclusive. but i was also not depressed until i went off two medicines the doctors had me on, so it is possible that one of the medications was doing something that made it hard for me to be depressed. the only other variable is caffeine. i have been depressed ever since i went to 2 sodas a day in caffeine intake. which happened when i went off the two medicines roughly.
anyways, my life has many bright points to it. which is why i don't waste as much time online as i used to. instead i have quality time listening to others. talking when i know what to say. and yes i am aware my mind makes the reality i experience. i have seen so many people try desperately to make memories that i can share with them. The biggest problem i am now dealing with is deciding if the girl i am dating is the girl i will marry. because most of my reality is a desperate plea for love and comfort. so i don't know what games are being played out in parallel to the reality i am experiencing.
i got sidetracked here somehow i feel okay posting this though so whatever.