we've been pinned down / i just shot my last round / i want to run and hide / it just might save our lives

ever just feel powerless to change something you know you need to change? ever felt scared because of that realization? and then felt that it didn't actually matter that you are scared or sad because feeling scared or sad doesn't change anything, and things do need to change?

and that everything you do do doesn't actually amount to much of anything because all that stuff isn't what actually needed to be taken care of (or are just incredibly low on the list of priorities as to not be terribly important)?

have you ever known stuff like this, right there in the quiet back part of your mind that is really easy to ignore, and then when you do have a "realization" you realize the reality of it is that you knew it all along? and then that just makes you feel even more embarrassed, humiliated and scared? and even after that realize that it doesn't actually matter that you are embarrassed, humiliated or scared because that isn't doing *anything* but making it worse?

ever feel like big chunks of your life is filled with ways of avoiding taking care of real problems? ever get exhausted because of that? ever feel that a huge portion of your identity will crumble if you do? ever get afraid that if you start taking care of things the humiliation and fear of being judged will just paralyze you?

my friend patrick sent me an email this morning about a new movie opening this fall. its called "american hardcore" released by sony classics.

i'm not sure how i feel about it yet. i mean, this documents the world i grew up in (i actually came in at the tail end of the scope of this movie, 1985). and yeah, all the noted luminaries are there (hank, ian, etc.) but, it kinda feels like the whole experience and that entire world is being co-opted. i guess its the timing.

when you have just about every other band calling themselves "emo" and then asked if they are influenced by rites of spring, you get a blank stare... and how hardcore now defines everything from metal to rap.

what i find especially remarkable, is how old keith morris looks now. sheesh.

one thing i found odd with the trailer was the glorification of the violence, and how it paints the violence as wide-spread. it wasn't. not even a little. you had pockets of stupidity, like orance county and la and in boston... but most scenes were just filled with kids needing some kind of release and found it at a hardcore show.

were shows violent? to an extent yes, but having spent a fair amount of my younger life at real hardcore shows, it was a healthy violence. no one was really hurt. have i ever walked out dinged up? sure of course, you accept that. scenes, back in the late 80's and early 90's were actually pretty good at policing themselves though (again with certain exceptions) and with the help of zines would pin-point problem areas.

but, in the end, it was always about the music. it was fast, loud and heavy. a common thread everyone could agree on.

we'll probably go see this, i'm sure it'll be showing in boston.

i just went through the comments in my last je. *sigh* i should have done a better of describing what i was talking about.

the "noticing" i am talking about is having created something that has value that is useful for someone else, that has a purpose beyond my own. i know all about doing the stuff i do because i want to do them, and i know not to worry about what others think. trust me, i'm the last person who needs to be told that... having grown up in the environment i did.

here let me break it down this way. diysearch, i started this 10 years ago. that doesn't mean i started thinking about it in 1996 and finally got around to putting it up... no, it means that i first launched it in 1996 and i have been working on it ever since... and in that decade i feel, like today, that it just isn't terribly useful or of a significant value (aside from what i get out of it). that it isn't noticed as being valuable.

does that make sense?

i don't care about not being famous, or popular. i don't need anyone's approval to do the things i do (like music, my web site etc.) -- the validation i was talking about was through the value of the endeavor. that is where i feel the disappointment.

i don't need to be the next google. i don't need to have a yacht to prove i am smart, i don't need an ipo to show the world i created something of value. the disappointment is just what it is, that i fear this project isn't living up to what i had envisioned - that it provides value.

but like i said in my blog post, i'm not going to let that stop me. i still derive a great deal of value from my projects. so in the grandest diysearch trandition: i don't need you *wink* :)

Is that all it really is? Getting noticed; originally hoping that mom would take a second to watch you do a cannon ball into the swimming pool?

Is that what it is now, just on a less personal scale?

I was poking around Technorati and noticed that the blog I keep for Diysearch was ranked (currently) at 1,052,855. My original thought was "out of how many?" but then my thoughts quickly morphed into "well, that figures" which lead into me asking "well, why am I disappointed?"

Yes, I was actually disappointed. Over what though? I wrote this piece and posted it to my blog earlier trying to examine what it meant in the context of this project, but then I started thinking about what it all really means, in a broader scope, and what I came up with was that the disappointment came from wanting to be noticed.

That really got me thinking. Why? There is a certain safety and security in obscurity, but there are moments, fleeting moments, where I start to feel the disappointment of going unnoticed.

I mean, why do I post music? Why do I bother working on projects? I know why, it isn't easy to put into words, and it's actually been a topic in my ongoing therapy; validation. It's a constant force that drives me to prove to everyone that I am worth something. My work output is a direct indication of what I am worth, as a person.

Sure, most of us have this feeling. Most of us want to be noticed for what we do, to show the rest we are capable, smart and clever. Am I suggesting that this is the only reason why we engage ourselves in projects? No, because I can honestly say, for myself, that the primary motivation to start Diysearch was that 10 years ago, nothing like it existed and it frustrated me, and that having the opportunity to build things and see them work is its own reward. But, it was the disappointment in that the traffic to the site isn't what it used to be, the number of users is a fraction of what it was, and that stupid blog ranking just really kicked this thinking of what motivates me.

What's so great about being noticed? My life is littered with stories of being an almost has-been. Oh sure, some of them are entertaining stories, and I learned a few life lessons along the way, but they've all come at a cost.

So, here I sit, in my cube at work, realizing that I am disappointed.

a while back i recorded this song, "fire escape" and hated everything about it, except for the actual song "writing" part of it. i hated the drums, really hated the guitar, hated the mix, hated how it came out. yeah, just about everything.

well, i re-did almost everything. wanna hear how it came out?

i've just been playing with it for a couple weeks here and there. so check it out. the lead parts were done with the new sg. i still may change things around a bit.

anyway, i've started to go back to my older material and i'm going to be re-mixing and re-doing parts and getting them put up on the new site (which doesn't have any templates yet).

well, you know the drill. listen, not listen. its up to you. comment, don't comment. again, free will and all :)

just as solemn wrote we went out and got a replacement sg.

i really like it. we were bonding earlier today. it was a fast trip to the guitar center in boston. i typically hate the guitar center, but this one was quite tolerable, even though the sales people were all over us like flies (which is typical for a guitar center) - but all and all it was tolerable.

my friend patrick was impressed with the effeciency of my selection and the speed of the transaction. i looked at the wall of gibsons, spotted a few SGs, took a few down, found a nice natural cherry finish model, walked it over to a remake of the vox ac15 and plugged it in... everything was in working order and about 10 minutes later we had a new sg!

i still think the sg is the finest guitar made, for what i enjoy playing. and yes, this is a real sg... made in the usa by gibson in nashville. no made in korea knock-offs for me.

anyway, i took a few pictures:

shot 1
shot 2
shot 3

i like my music on the street.

yesterday early afternoon solemn and i went down to the financial district (where we bumped into trmj, its always a good thing to see him) so she could meet with a recruiter, and i had an hour or so to kill (i took the day off).

i decided to make my way up to downtown crossing (for those that know boston, that's just a few blocks away). i walked up to tremont then over and back down to milk street (where benjamin franklin was born). there's a large department store there and along summer street at the intersection of washington, its more like a perpetual street-fair sort of environment. that day there was a 4-piece jazz band playing. something many of you may not know, but i love jazz. i don't talk about it much simply because i just like it and appreciate it and do not feel inclined to yap about it -- anyway... it was lead by a trombone player. now, i'm not a big fan of brass, but this guy was just amazing. his horn had a dirty, earthy quality to it, not shiney and shrill as i think most brass instruments sound.

there was an amazing drummer, playing a nice yamaha kit. he had the chops... ghost strikes, nuance, subtlety, a stunning 3 minute solo that had the entire street cheering him on. a stand-up bassist who provided the fattest, deepest groove possible and a guitarist who shadowed the trombone player note for note while tossing in his own color. this outfit, just setup in the street, was stunning. i must have watched for 30 minutes. it gave me chills. i couldn't believe my good fortune.

they finished their set, and i walked up to the band leader and thanked him. he simply said "not a problem, man."

then, this morning. central square t-station. there was a man playing just an electric bass guitar and singing. i've seen him around before, and its usually been in sub-optimal acoustic environments, but today, it was perfect.

its hard to describe his music. its all original. he has a voice like (the late) mark sandman, but smoother. his songs are meloncholoy and melodic, songs about old lost friends, missed opportunities and simple observations. the inbound trains would come in, and he'd still play, the train providing the lonely accompaniment. i was nearly in tears. just this guy, he's older, maybe in his mid 40's playing to just play and maybe make a few bucks. i'm sure he has a well paying job, maybe even in music (his gear is quite good)... but he's just there, in the t-stop, with his guitar case open hoping to collect a few bucks and sell a cd or two.

solemn and i usually support local street musicians by dropping a few bucks. he was on the inbound side (i was on the outbound). next time i see him, and have some money, i want to get a cd. i doubt it would be able to touch the mood and tone of the music in a train station, but it might be close enough.

so, all you rockers out there, hoping to score $200 tickets to see the next big thing in the arena with 20,000 other fans can keep it. i'll take my music on the street. does this make me an elitist? snob? possibly, but then if there's anything i've never been ashamed of, is my pure and deep admiration for the craft art and skill of real music.

and yes, i meant the curly bracket, because its random! get it?

anyway, its quiet here. ghost town like.

so yeah, i finally reached level 41 with my "main" in wow. my main, for those keeping score at home (or at work, where ever you may be keeping said score) is a night elf druid with a concentration in healing and distance attacks.

i hit level 40 last weekend, and leveled to 41 last night. why is level 41 significant. well it isn't really, it just means that now, at this point in time, i am simply 10 levels behind solemn. her level 51 hunter is the cool.

also, solemn and i decided to ditch all of my engineering training (which i had leveled to 225) to relearn everything so i could change my concetration from gnomish engineering to go with goblin engineering (the things that go boom!) so, we camped out in iron forge, sank about 40 gold into mats and i set to work making, well, everything! after about 2 or so hours, with the massive help of solemn, i got back up to 225. it was a real task. we make a good team. she was out buying mats (materials) off the ah (auction house) with our special auction house character (known as "bidder").

hmmm, what else? well - solemn is slowly turning me into a breakfast person. a year ago i would have just assumed not even bothered with eating till lunch time, now i have a "fruit box" (that would be a fruit juice box) each morning, and this morning... gasp... i had a bowl of cereal!

*sigh* well, i don't feel as sick as i usually do. i guess that's good.

oh and speaking of good. most of you probably have some idea just how smart and creative solemn is. but in reality you may not know the half of it. on friday i was talking about how i'd like to get more user participation in diysearch. well, that was all i had to say. within 20 minutes she had an idea which will radically enhance the user experience, and may just make a little noise in this little community.

i'm serious, this idea of hers, which i now have to do some development in order make happen will change everything with this project. i'm not at liberty to discuss exactly what it is right now, in that i need to hash out some of the technical details, but this is going to be good.

so yeah, check out the big brain on the dragon.

well, i should go and make myself useful around here. have a good 4th. even for you across the pond... i mean, yeah it'll be the 4th of july, and big woop and all... but have a good one.

so buffer stops by last night after work (hmph, forgot to tell solemn that little detail). he tells me earlier in the day that he managed, after two weeks of looking and wandering the streets of boston on an "epic quest" to find exactly the right thing.

well, a very warm and worn out buffer arrives at our place and fishes out this gift that was unearthed after said epic quest from his new laptop bag which housed the worlds largest freakin laptop i ever done seen.

anyway, buffer managed to snag me a nintendo ds lite with super mario. wow!!! i was and still am blown away. what a great birtday gift :)

so, now i have a fun little diversion whilst i wait for the shuttle bus to take me to and from harvard square and work everyday. yay!! yay for fun diversions!

in summary, buffer is cool (not for getting me a "thing" - but for the thought). having real friends is interesting and very different than what i used to know.

so i thought the a-z song thing was interesting... so i ran down my own version. i did band names and listed the best songs from said band.

why? i dunno. *sigh*

Agnostic Front - Strength
i'm referring to the live version (from "live at cbgb" which was recorded about 15 years ago). this is a great song, and roger dedicates the song to "all the straight edge kids." nice. very nice.

Bold - Nailed To The X
yeah, bold was a great band. some of their songs were quite stupid - but most were lightening fast streaks of pure brilliance. "nailed to the x" is one such example.

Chain Of Strength - True Till Death
i can remember being 17 years old, seeing this band (that came all the way from ca) and jumping around and flailing about screaming at the top of my lungs "true till death!!!" just as this song begins. i still remember those warm sunday afternoons.

Dag Nasty - Values Here
one of the first actual emocore bands (following rites of spring) from dc. dave smalley is still awesome.

Edgewise - Even The Score
pa straight edge hardcore. these guys were very cool, and did some very brutal music.

Fugazi - Repeater
one two three... repeater! need i say more?

Gorilla Biscuits - Start Today
gb, a staple in nyhc, punctuated their brief career with this amazing lp and equally amazing song. "i put it off!"

Hopesfall - Waitress
before they went and did that latest terrible record, this band actually was quite interesting. loud, desparate, melodic, dark, moody, screaming... frantic.

Inside Out - No Spiritual Surrender
before zac from rage against the machine went and became a total jackass, he fronted a pretty amazing hardcore band. no spiritual surrender is amazing. krsna hardcore!

Jawbreaker - Busy
i've written about this song over and over again. its important.

Killing Time - Brightside
for being knuckleheads, they actually had a few decent songs. this is one of them.

Lifetime - Irony Is For Suckers
lifetime, in the melodic post-hardcore world, are legends. this song speaks to why.

Misfits - All Hell Breaks Loose
i send my murdergram to all these monster kids. it comes right back to me, signed in their parents' blood. sweet sweet misfits!

Naked Raygun - Home of the Brave
real chicago punk. melodic, rough, raw and nuanced.

Outspoken - Burning
again, another wonderful sunday hardcore matinee band.

Pegboy - Revolver
probably one of the most fun songs to sing to. that's when i reach for my revolver! chicago punk. brilliant.

Quicksand - Head To Wall
fucking brilliant. quicksand defined post-hardcore. dark, crunchy, hard, melodic, emotional.

Reason To Believe - Far From My Hands
before there was sensfield, there was reason to believe, and with only a 7" then a full length they were the bridge of socal hardcore and the melodic evolution of what would come later. for from my hands is just amazing.

Samiam - Sky Flying By
i still do not understand why there are people who do not know who samiam are. i mean, this is probably one of the most prolific bands in the independent post-hardcore world -- having never suffered a bad record. this is probably one of their best songs. just amazing

Texas Is The Reason - Back and to the Left
picking up where quicksand left off, and lifting it up to the next level.

Undertow - At Both Ends
hardcore from the pacific northwest? oh yeah... these guys were amazing. tough, fierce, smart and catchy.

Vandals (the) - Anarchy Burger
i just had to have something goofy on here. the vandals are that. stupid and goofy. anarchy burger, hold the government.

Walls of Jericho - Playing Soldier
a perfect mix of modern hardcore touched with a bit of metal, with a female vocalist. yeah, i've sung their praises over and over. this is their best song. once you hear it, you'll either hate them, or just be completely hooked.

X - no data

Youth Of Today - Dissengage
just when i thought i couldn't get another straight edge band on here. this song was part of their last 7" and probably their best song. it was fitting.

Z - no data

ever get tired of being under-estimated?

do you ever get tired of under-estimating? do you even know you do it?

i'm sick of being under-estimated. yeah, for whatever reason i seem to project an image (via poor self esteem, trained, whatever) of being under-capable - which, i think, contributes to a person's desire? ability? to under-estimate my capability in something.

it got me thinking though. yeah, i grow tired of the practice, but ultimately, i don't care. my attitude is becoming more like: "hey nice insecurity - i'm working damn hard to fight mine, what are you doing?" but what is annoying is that under-estimating people seems to be so ingrained in our socialization that we can't possibly see other people as our equal.

for me, its the opposite. but that's a matter for another day (that's the self-esteem thing again) - but what is really troubling is that either through our own insecurities or feelings of inadequacy - we want to look down on everyone else and i think this is acted out via under-estimating people.

the pattern of behavior is really obvious once you take a closer look. person 'y' asks a question, person 'z' attempts to answer person 'y's' question but interjects some veiled condescending remark. person 'y' politely counters with clarification to demonstrate to person 'z' that they only had a question. person 'z' quickly back peddles and attempts to "validate" person 'y's' intelligence.

i mean, i just saw this demonstrated *today*

ugh. why do so many people always have to feel superior? i know we are in the company of know-it-alls, and there are some very smart people here who know lots and lots of things, and i work with a lot of very smart people who know lots and lots of things, but where does superiority come from? why is under-estimating seem to be a reflex? are we all that weak? are we so fragile that we have to reinforce our own house of cards by demonstrating we are superior?

i'm not immune to this either. i swing both ways on this, and i'm struggling to learn middle ground. i don't know everything. i'm finally getting smart enough to realize what i don't know, and i don't know a lot of very basic stuff.

i think when i start seeing this type of behavior i'm simply not going to even bother... i will simply acknowledge your superiority and take my toys and play somewhere else for the day.

first a little background. the project site that i run, it catalogs links (provided by users) and every night there's a batch process that runs, it queries the database and builds a lucene index (which is then searched on the front end).

anyway, something i want to incorporate is the ability for the indexing engine, to go out to a URL its processing and render the URL it gets as an image (i.e. png or jpg). much like how alexa does it.

i've have very limited success with such things like flying saucer's xhtml rendering engine (doesn't seem to support CSS at all).

i'm basically looking for a method to render HTML and save it as an image, sorta like bulk screen scraping. anyone have any experience with this type of functionality?

yeah, it has to be java, or accessible via a java framework (i wrote a very elegant and highly scalable back-end for this site so incorporating new functionality is quite simple)... i just need to figure out the best way to do this.

there is a commericial product called web renderer, but i'd prefer not to rely on a 3rd party product, plus i would rather spend my own resources on the solution than spending money on a product.

solemn made probably the best chocolate cake, evar!!!
a petit four with strawberry jam and chocolate frosting... seven layers! count 'em! seven!

wow, i've never had anything quite this amazingly chocolaty yummy than this.

anyway, we spent a good part of the day walking around quincy market looking at trinkets and what not, and just generally trying to enjoy the day.

now a question, how many of you out there ignore your family on your birthday? i don't mean that in a mean sense, i mean, are those out there that set boundaries that include not permiting family drama to intrude on your special day?

tomorrow is my 33rd birthday. or the 10th aniversary of my 23rd birthday.

well, solemn has taken it upon herself to have the "12 days of blinders" and over the last 11 days i've scored some really nice loot. i've gotten some really nice noise making things (like an asian drum, a few whistles/recorder, a harmonica) and also got some nice creative things (sticker and magnet paper for the inkjet) soy crayons, a nice new journal (a very fancy one at that)... and today we took a trip to the big blue beast.

i managed to score the following:

gran turismo 4
god of war
prince of persia (the two thrones)
spyro enter the dragonfly

keep in mind that i'm not cutting edge gamer, nor do i honestly care what is cool or "in" at the moment, i have to say that these selections were perfect! i played gt4 for about an hour, getting up to my b9 license... and i really got into god of war... i could have done without the video-game-porn though... not needed in this (or any) game. spyro is what i'm more used to an really enjoy about gaming. if its like a silly cartoon and you do adventures... then i'm all over it.

prince of persia, however, was really amazing. i was startled at how cool this game looks and how it plays. sheesh this is one hell of a cool game.

so yeah, loot. yay!

i get an email from a friend this morning, an old friend. we used to play in this band back in the early/mid 90's. we got signed to a small-nothing label based in detroit. they put out our record, it sold as well as to be expected, never saw a dime from it, the label kinda fizzled away into more obscurity.

fast forward to about a year ago... the label starts making a comeback.

well, this email i get from my friend p had a link to emusic, asking if i'd seen this yet. of course i hadn't, i don't use emusic (didn't know what it was until this morning) and well there it is, our record.

it gets better, another friend of ours, who happens to be married to the vocalist of this band found that our record is on bloody itunes!

grrrr!!!

look, i don't care about the money, in fact, i'm quite positive there isn't anything being sold, not even a little... its the idea, we own the copyright of the material, it was part of our deal... about a year ago i noticed this record popping up on the radar on mp3 sites... but now, this is getting annoying.

luckily my friend, p, happens to work with a copyright attorney... so i think a cease and desist letter will be forthcoming.

oh but wait, we aren't supposed to care about copyrights, right? piracy is good and just and those that don't believe that are just steeling from everyone. ugh. yeah, i grow quite tired of that line of thinking, especially when its espoused by someone who has NEVER CREATED ANYTHING!

yeah, i'm mildly annoyed by this.