This is likely to ramble, but so be it.
I don't believe in God, and I don't particularly believe in an afterlife. Yet I find myself with a curious desire to believe in Karma. I think this is mostly just wishful thinking, since I consider myself a good person, and hope that I will be someday rewarded for that. Of course, if I did believe in Karma, I'd have to assume that I was a serious ass to a lot of people some time in the past, because my luck sucks.
Last night, I broke my parents' snowblower. Also, their $40 extension cord, which I ran over with the snowblower. Now, I freely admit that this was not mere luck. The cord was in an area that I would normally have shovelled by hand, so I should have found it. Of course, I tried to take a shortcut last night, and found it in a spectacularly damaging fashion instead. So, I can accept full blame for this.
But...(you knew there was a but coming, didn't you?) I specifically stated to my mother that the driveway did not need to be blown, since we got less than 4 inches, and aren't expecting any more. In addition, when the cord was originally placed where it is, I expressed the desire that it be placed somewhere else, for personal reasons, but not invalid ones. So, I think it safe to say that at least part of the responsibility for this rests on others, as well. Or I'm just real good at justifying my (non-existant) innocence.
The point is, I feel the need to explain this kind of thing, not just to shift blame from myself, though that may be part of it. I feel a desire to understand why so many things in my life end up this way. Decisions that I make, which would be perfectly reasonable in some situations, often turn out poorly. Sometimes, like yesterday, I should have been able to know better before hand, but other times, even, most of the time, the causes are unknown to me until after the fact. It seems, however, if there is any chance involved, that circumstances will always favor the worst outcome for me.
That sounds pessimistic, and I'm not. I look forward to every day (most of the time). I have a generally postive outlook, even on some of the things in my life that most people would react negatively too (and rightly so). But as an observer, and attempting to be objective, I still think that the majority of time, my optimism is unfounded. Given the chance, my luck will be bad. I just wish I knew why.
Which, of course, is its own falacy. The whole point of luck is that there is no why. And so I return to Karma. But if I don't believe in Karma, that doesn't help, and if I do, I think that I deserve better Karma than I get. Am I just a horrible person, and don't know it?