Well things have taken abit of a change recently.
My Dad went for some tests on Monday and he found out he has cancer.
Sister phoned me Monday night to tell me, cause I was still at college.

Its so frostrating, I'm so worried after hearing it, I'm annoyed because I want to be able to do something about it but can't! and I'm pissed off that the this whole thing is affecting me so much.

All my friends know about it and its been a hard week for me, on Wednesday Linda asked was I ok and I just muttered a few words and walked off cause I almost started crying, she followed after me to see if I was ok, that night I got so worked up over it that I had what I can only describe as a panick attack. It scared the hell out of me.
Also had a exam on Wednesday and I came really close to walking out of it.

The thing with Trish has been put on hold cause my mind is just gone at the moment and she knows that, she understands that I have other stuff on my mind.

I don't know why this is all affecting me so much, stuff like this never affected me so much before.
Its been far from a fun week but thankfully I have good friends and there looking out for me making sure I'm ok.

I know there's nothing they can do about it but it helps to just know that they want to make sure I'm ok.

Its going to be a worrying next couple of weeks as my Dad has the operation to remove it in about two weeks time.

Well again its been awhile since my last journal entry and I gota say my life has changed SO much!
I'm ALOT more outgoing then I was back in Jan, Feb or even March and its all thanks to Linda and three other of my friends.
So this is the latest thing that has happened to me...

Was at a house party Thursday night and Linda decided to play match maker for the night, she had told me before (she told me when she gave me the reply to the letter I gave her, check older journal entrys for that) that one of the girls in the class really likes me but to be honest I never took any interest, on thursday Linda kept telling me to go over and talk to this girl (Trish) I just kept saying no.

So Linda got Trish to come over and sit beside me then Linda just announces "Trish, Martin likes you and Martin, Trish like you" I really could have done without that embarresment.

Anyway Linda just wouldn't go away till the two of us kissed, so we did, but by the end of the night it was alot more then just ONE kiss.
Well it hit around 5am and I ended up walking Trish home (as a gentleman should do) I gota say it was a long long walk back to my flat, Linda was staying at my flat and around 6am she came into my room and asked what happened, I told her, but then she asked if I liked Trish, I just said I don't know.

I'm being honest when I say that, because I REALLY don't know what I want to do now.
On one hand I'd really like to give it a go and see how things go, but on the other I don't really feel anything for Trish and I'm not even sure if I ever will.

But in the end I don't want to hurt her or lead her on, I'd really be pissed off with myself if I did that.

Well I didn't know what else to set the subject as so I set it to what you see above.

I'm still really happy since last Thursday (when Linda talked to me) its really weird and I can't explain it.
Anyway yesterday I didn't go into college so around 2pm I phoned Linda (I knew she wasn't in either) I asked if she was in town cause I wanted to tell her something (don't worry its good) well turns out she wasn't.
I woke up yesterday and just wanted to tell her how much she has changed my life.
So was one of her/my friends birthdays yesterday so we all headed out lastnight, got to hold hands with her and all that (sigh, it was nice) but as friends...
Anyway around midnight finally got the chance to talk to her and say what I wanted to say to her earlier.

and what I said was
"I wanted to say this earlier but well you weren't in town, don't worry its a good thing and atleast this time I don't need a letter to say what I want to say.
Wanted to let you know that although you've never known it, you've changed my life so much for the better, your the reason why I've become less shy and have gone out more and all that.
I just wanted to tell you this, so that no matter what you do in years to come I wanted you to know that you've changed someone's life SO MUCH!"

She thought it was really nice (and I got a few hugs during the night) and she said it ment alot to her to hear what I said.

Oh and I'm happy to say later in the night I did finally get to put my arm around her as I sat beside her in the nightclub, although I did ask her, I said "it ok if I put my arm around you as a friend" and she let me, man it was soo nice.

I know I still feel for her deep down but at the same time I'm just so happy to be friends with her.
Oh and we also went dancing lastnight :)

Ok maybe I'm updating my Journal to much these days but I'm at work atm and I just feel like writing stuff.

Handed in my camera film to be developed 30min ago so will have several pictures of Linda in 30min time, woohooo

Still unsure if I'll post a link to one of the photos in my journal or not, to let everyone who reads this thing see just who I've been talking about for the past few months (just leave a comment if you'd like me to) :)

Had a great night lastnight, met a girl from the same county I'm from & bought her a rose (yes I know its very corny, but I did it for the nice thought rather then anything else) she really liked it and I got two kisses :-) Kinda made my night to be honest.

I know it may not sound much to you lot but its just want I needed.

Linda was out lastnight, didn't get the chance to talk to her much, she showed up at the end of the night in the nightclub. Got a nice picture of her dancing :)
She left early cause she had work at 7am.

For those of you woundering why I had a camera lastnight, well we had a surprise birthday party for one of the girls so I thought would be nice to get some photos of everybody.

Thats it for today, another entry same bat time, same bat channel :)

UPDATE - 5.26PM: WOOHOOO I got the photos few hours ago, scanned in three of them so far, going to put all the photos from nights out on my website for class to see.

Well she wasn't in college today, but heard a funny story bout what happened to her lastnight but I better not say it :P

Anyway, I'm still HAPPY and frankly I can't figure it out, its weird but I like it!

She most likely won't be going to the party tonight because she's working, but she might drop in for a hour or so, guess I'll see.
But she'll be going to a friends party on Tuesday night for deff, I know because during our conversation yesterday she asked if I was going to it.

Still waiting on getting the pictures I took of her developed, should have some during the week.
Will be nice to finally have some.

As Linda would say "GO YOU!!!"
Oh and did I mention its GREAT to be friends with her? :)

Anyway was in college after lunch and she sat down beside me and said we better talk after college at 4pm, I agreeed.

At 4pm the whole class was outside the main door and she dragged me off and the two of us went for a quiet coffee together.

She said "You know what I'm going to say, don't you?" I said well to be honest yeah I kind of do but you might as well say it anyway (she asked me if I wanted to hear what she had to say anyway)

Well she said although she's very flattered she just wants to be friends with me but she feels (and I feel to) that we've become closer as friends and even by 5pm when we left I felt during that hour we had even become closer (maybe just a tiny bit). During the hour we chatted bout different things and had abit of a laugh.

Its very strange, I'm not annoyed or pissed off or depressed in anyway. I'm actually kinda happy or content or something. I may not have a relationship with her but atleast I have a good friend and atleast we're becoming better friends now. Right now I don't have a worry in the world :)

I'm glad I did what I did and well I'm thankfull I won't be worrying in a few months time thinking "what if??".

It may be from a film (The Dish) but its the best advice I've heard in ages and for me its worked great ever since I heard it "Fear is never quiet as frightening as regret" its so simple but so true and I'm glad I won't regret what I've done .

On a side note, she mentioned one of the other girls in the class at college kinda likes me, maybe she did this to get my mind off things or something, she told me who it is, but I've never thought of this girl in anyway and well I don't think I ever will.

Strange that when you like someone they often don't feel the same but when the time finally comes that someone likes you, you don't feel the same bout them. ah well, what a strange world we live in....

Update: 10:34pm Going out to a party tomorrow night with her, was talking to her bout different things on the phone this evening, was great. I'm just happy she isn't avoiding me en stuff its great to be friends with her

Well whats done is done!
I gave Linda the letter I wrote today (all 819 words of it).

I've either just dug myself into a hole so deep that light can not escape from it or I've done a good thing, I just don't know right now :-/.

Wasn't that nervous when I gave it to her, just handed it to her and said these are some things I wanted to say, and that was it.

She's off to on a trip tomorrow so I may not see her around, but how ever things have gone I should know by Wednesday & I think deep down somewhere in the depths of my being I'm happy I've done what I've done.

Fingers crossed, either she feels the same (Oh man wouldn't that be GREAT!) or we stay as friends but I don't want to loose her as a friend it would tear me apart!

All I can think at the moment is "OH DEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE!"

This is either gona be the best few days of my life or the next few less then happy days of my life
To quote Einstein in C&C Red Alert "Time will tell, sooner or later time will tell"

Well After last weeks events I realise that there's no way in HELL I'll be able to say what I want to say to Linda, I just wouldn't be to find the proper words.

Soooooooo
I'm writing a letter, and so far so good, only problem is only times I find myself with the words to write down it's 6am.

For the last few days thats what I've been doing at 6am, I know it may seem the cowards way to doing this, but I know myself to well and I know that I just won't be able to express my feelings to her the way I really want to so a letter is the best option.

Going to give it to her next week sometime.
On plus note I met her today in town while doing shopping, my heart just skipped a beat when I saw her, sigh

In the end if she feels the same I'll be walking around with a smile for the next few weeks, if she dosen't, well I won't be exactly happy but at the same time I won't be REALLY depressed about all this.

Or maybe it is'ent, but either way things ARE good!
Had a revolation two weeks ago about alot of things, and its mad me realise a good fews things and already things have greatly improved.
Except for one thing.
Part of the revolation was that I still really like Linda, but differently to how I felt back in Nov,Dec or Jan.
After I asked her out, for the most part I burined my feelings about her but after she showed up at my house at 2am Tuesday two weeks ago I realised that my feelings for her are still there.
As the two of us were lying on my bed watching LOTR's all I wanted to do was put my arm around her but I was so nervous about what to do I did'ent I don't know what she must have thought.

But all I wanted to do was be close to her if even for a second!
Problem is now I've split into two parts, one part of me wants her as a friend and she is, or atleast I consider her to be but the other part of me is the part that wants more, this part of me wants to make sure she's happy and never upset about stuff and wants to be close to her.

Well had a talk with a friend of mine two days after that tuesday and he suggested I tell her that I still have feelings for her.
So I worked myself up, well actually I did'ent, to be honest I was'ent nervous about it at all (wow how things have changed)

So I phoned her last Sunday evening and asked if she could meet me on Monday cause I wanted to talk with her about something.
Well on that she had to take a rain check and same again on Tuesday, she got mad working hours for the next two weeks.
But she contacted me Thursday evening and asked if I wanted to go for a walk with her and her nephew in the park and so I did, and I did'ent tell her....

We went out that night and I found out she;s dating someone atm :( I still would have liked to tell her but she seemed pre-occupied about something and at a few points during the night I glanced over at her and she almost looked like she was gona cry about something, I was'ent going to be a selfish fecker and add anything to what ever else was on her mind.
I asked was she ok, she said she was just thinking bout something at work, but I doubt thats the truth, dam I hate seeing her anyway down or upset, hell I can't stand to see any girl like that even if I don't know them.

Its either the greatest thing in the world to be like this or its a evil evil curse!

When the topic of me wanting to talk to her did come up I just said that it did'ent matter now and it was'ent important.
I just did'ent want to add anything to her worries, I wouldn;t be able to forgive myself.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens, and maybe just maybe the right time might come, but something big weighs on my mind and thats that I don't want to loose her as a friend if I tell her how I feel about her.

I'd rather just have her as a friend and never tell her then tell her and loose her.

On the plus side of things I got a photo of her now :) Yeahhhh

(might regret this but I've enabled comments, for anyone redaing this read the past two entrys to make sense of things, not that they make sense...)

Well its been what 2 weeks since my last entry, and things have changed a tiny bit, I did eventually go on a date with Catherine and I'll be honest it did'ent go well (my shyness really got the better of me) ok maybe it did go well she did'ent mind it and thought I was sweet but as with everything upto now, when a girl thinks I;m sweet its never got me anywhere :(
Oh well there are good and bad parts to whats happened since,

On the good side of things although Catherine did'ent want a second date she still asked me out in the first place and again I'll be honest to me I'd class her as a "out of my league" kinda girl because when I'm out in a club I wouldn't even consider asking her out, so although I got no second date I'm still not annoyed or anything I'm just "content" atm because it seems I'm alright if that kinda girl asks me out :)

But on the bad side of things, had a CRAP night on Thursday night and the pain ever since is almost unbarable at times and what I'm about to say is making things SOO much harder!, I don't know weather this is bad or good but I'll say it anyway.
Its fairly evedent that I still have feelings for Linda more so then what I've said before, maybe its just that I want to fall back on something after the Catherine thing not going anywhere, I don't know.
But its very unconforting at the moment, I will admit things are going well, I find it SOO much easier to be around her and all that type of stuff but I really doubt she feels the same towards me that I do towards her.

ahhhhhh

anyway, its her birthday this week so I'm gona get her a nice card and draw a nice cartoon of her inside it (yes I CAN DRAW!)

also gona have a photo of her after Thursday as I'm bringing a camera to the party (oh great something that I can go mad staring at)
Well got a 21st Birthday to go to after work this evening, still unsure if I wana go, I don't want to sit in the corner and get all depressed I just wouldn't be able to take it.

Well a few things have changed, I did ask Linda out to the school disco thing, well it turns out she was very flattered but she was seeing someone, I say "was" because she's broken up with him as of Valentines day :(

Made me so sad to see her upset and knowing I could do nothing as she may have though I had other motives, when infact just to cheer her up abit would have been enough for me.
Since it was over a month between the two avents (asking her out and her braking up with her boyfriend) I had to move on after I asked her out and she found out I liked her, I wouldn have went NUTS otherwise so I did move on.
But deep down I still care for her and well I don't think thats going to change in the short or long term, I'm still going to have some feelings for her.

Well things went bad during Rag week, very very bad infact but they picked up alot on Valentines night :) and even more so the next day.
Infact was just doing my shopping and met some friends from college and one of there friends asked me out.
Ok it may not sound like much but it dos'ent happen to me so I was somewhat in shock :P

Well her name is Catherine, I've txt'ed her a few times but I haven't actually talked to her, I know its not much but its a started in the right direction.
Not gona put much hope into it as I don't think I can take another huge disappointment again at this moment of time.

Oh well thats about it, life moves on I'll see how things change.....

Well another day another project, last week got my C++ project done at work and I'm at it again this time, ahh working in a internet cafe has its good points :)

I'm off to a LAN party this evening straight after work and the team I'm on is expected to take the gold, YEAHHH.
Also got one of those School Disco things to go to next Wednesday so that should be fun, going to ask Linda if she'll go, after all it'll be great crack.

Well I guess I better get back to work (ha!)

Well this is my very first journal entry, hopefully as time goes by this won't get that boring.

For those that know me I've always been a shy person, for those that don't well now you know.
But how my life has changed in reason months & weeks.
I've got into college back in October and since then I gots say college life agree's with me ALOT.

For the last 2 months or more I've had a thing for one of the girls thats in my class, her name's Linda.
Started off as me just taking a liking to her but in recent times I think I'm falling inlove with her?.

She dos'ent know it and for the time being its going to stay that way as I don't want to confuse her as she has enough in her life at the moment and it would be selfish as hell for me to tell her.
Her friend does know that I like her but she has'ent told her.
I'm just gona have to take my time as with anything, she may find out how I feel but she may never find out...