WannaBeGeekGirl's Journal: Poetry: Neural Ink Flow (format up in the air)

Neural Ink Flow

Atramental sight
Grayscale tracks of black and white
Tread across this life

Doppleganger pain in time
How color finds kinder mind





Neural Ink Flow

Atramental sight
Grayscale tracks-
Black and white
Tread across this life

Doppleganger pain in time
How color finds kinder mind




I prefer the westernized Tanka 5-7-5 7-7 even though some people object to using Tanka with English. The second version is a revision suggested by a critic on a writing forum. It breaks the flow I really fancied and the rhyme just doesn't seem right.

Feel free to comment.


**I'm not sure why Doppleganger and Atramental aren't in the spellcheck dictionary--uncommon usage? I'm fairly sure I triple checked spelling with my big dictionary.

nice

[stoolpigeon]

very nice. and i'm picky about poetry. too much dreck out there. anyway - it's fantastic, though i have to admit that i prefer the second, but would like it either way.
 
it's quicker - and broken, which to me echoes the black and white and the idea of treading. it makes the way i read it match the way i see it.
 
but really, they are both good - great work.

Re:

[WannaBeGeekGirl]

Why thank you kindly. I've been forcing myself to practice writing. I know I have a long way to go, but that compliment means a lot to me.

Also thank you for explaining your preference, it helps me to see the second version from another point of view that I hadn't considered!

Much appreciation,
WBGG

Nice; The second form...

[johndiii]

I also think that the second one works better. The rhythm works better, and the enjambment [wikipedia.org] is effective. I like it quite a bit.

I don't think that the syllabic pattern has the same effect in English as it does in Japanese, so using the term "tanka [wikipedia.org]" to denote only a 5-7-5 7-7 syllabic pattern does not carry the same meaning as the Japanese term (though, as will all languages, the Japanese word has evolved). The form is as valid as any other, purists notwithstanding.

Atramental is a new one for me, but it is

Poetic Constraints

[Shadow Wrought]

I have a very difficult time writing poetry without constraints, so i completely understand the need for it; sort of like needing a pitcher for water. I greatly respect stoolpigeon's opinion and even more so johndiii's- he does post a couple a day after all! But I disagree about the liking the second one better. I think the first one has better flow to it, like I would expect ink, neural or otherwise, to flow. So I prefer the first one because it reads like a flow of liquid. The only thought I would o