GOP-Harmony

Two men in suits appear on screen. Their faces are blurred.

MAN #1
It's hard when you're holding hands with someone at a prayer breakfast and wondering, am I feeling more than the power of Jesus?

Cut to another pair of men, also dressed in suits.

MAN #3
The guys I'd meet randomly would find out I'm a Republican and want to get into it about Bush. I'd tell them, hey, if I wanted to get into bush, I'd be home with my wife.

MAN #2
Yeah, I didn't hire you to be the speaker, I hired you to be the whip!

Cut to the GOP-Harmony spokesman.

SPOKESMAN
At GOP-Harmony, we put you in touch with conservative congressmen, party leaders, and "reporters" looking for someone special for at least 15 minutes. We use 29 distinct items to match you to the perfect liaison.

Some of the categories float by: Denial, Self-Loathing, Committee Memberships, Inseam

Cut back to #3 and #4, holding hands.

MAN #4
It's not easy to find a man who's into tax cuts, nation building, and bare-backing. (raises his partner's hand) But I did!

MAN #3
I'd look like a real hypocrite if I used condoms--I'm chair of the Presidential Commission on Abstinence!

SPOKESMAN
With GOP-Harmony, you don't have to worry about messy exposés or embarrassing mug shots. We rigorously check out all of our members, weeding out officers, agents, reporters, bloggers....

Cut to another pair of men. One is dressed as Ronald Reagan, the other as Nancy.

REAGAN MAN
Now I never have to ask, "Are you a cop or from The New York Times?"

NANCY MAN
Unless we're role-playing! (laughs)

SPOKESMAN
And you have our GOP-Harmony Guarantee--none of the men you'll meet are gay!

Cut back to the first two men.

MAN #2
When people ask me if I'm gay, I ask them, "If I was gay, would I be voting against gay marriage?"

MAN #1
Exactly! I just want to have sex with guys, not a relationship with them.

MAN #2
Thank you, GOP-Harmony!

Cut to the Spokesman.

SPOKESMAN
So what are you waiting for, a subpoena? Go online today to complete your confidential, fully encrypted GOP-Harmony profile. Act now and you'll also receive our free, full color Congressional Page-a-Day calendar, the perfect way to get up in the morning!

I have this idea for a startup

[sam_handelman]

Okay, you're aware that you can generally detect male homosexuality with some scents and an MRI, yes? We'll leave aside how often this works, or whether we mean homosexual inclinations or behavior and all that, point is, that it works better than a dartboard or measuring finger ratios.

So you set up a startup company, supposedly run by Republicans (I need to find some people who can pass as Republicans) that offers MRI screening to those who are worried about their inclinations. In order to mesh wit