WannaBeGeekGirl's Journal: Paper's Endless Tears

I don't know what tethers me here to this earth beyond a naive promise and a missing symptom of a lonely disease.

There is an emptiness that can not be filled with the Stuff of Earth*, and it is as if this disease allows it to usurp my soul. I must ask myself, is it the disease that allows it, or me?

I'm usually the last one to shrink away from questions that either have hard answers. I'm also usually the one that jumps at the chance to ask a question with an answer that we simply do not want to hear, and figure out why until its ok to hear it. Neither of these efforts appear to be working.

I'm so scared, because I feel stuck. Between, not a rock and a hard place, but between the resources I have to heal from this disease and losing my loved ones supporting me through it.

I am not selfish enough to put my health first. But my loved ones are the ones making me sick right now and they are the ones supporting me. They are the only ones willing to put a roof over my head, pay my medical costs. To be fair, supporting someone with depression and PTSD as severe as mine is probably harder than going through what I'm feeling. Getting well isn't worth losing them. I just can't be that selfish. Even for my own health.

I don't want pity, I don't want to be "poor me". I just haven't solved this complicated, conflict of interest treatment situation I'm in. Mostly because I'm in withdrawal from 4 drugs, three narcotics (legally prescribed and unabused) and one anti-depressant. My horomones are far worse than PMS for I don't feel like biting off anyone's heads. I feel like crying everytime I breathe. I have a broken foot in two places and can't use crutches because of a severe back injury which both hurt to the level of what doctors describe as white pain whatever that means. To me it means if my emotional pain isn't worse, I try to hit my hand with a hammer to distract the back/foot pain to another area. I refuse to take narcotic pain meds, because they're addictive and don't relieve my pain. They just cover up the problem, which no doctor seems to want to get to the bottom of! They are also depressants and I'm already depressed. Yeah--I'm fscked up. My insurance doesn't cover mental health or experimental pain treatments.

Any prayers, thoughts, advice, kind words would be appreciated. Any flames would be really mean cause I'm beating myself inside already.

Thanks to my friends here at /. if they happen to read this, and have a thought for me in silence. ~pf


*"the Stuff of Earth" reference comes from part of the title of a favorite album by Rich Mullins: Winds of Heaven, Stuff of Earth.


Rich, I hope you don't mind me borrowing that, I so look forward to meeting you at Home someday. Your life, your music--they were such an inspiration to me and so many. I was saddened that you left us sooner that we were ready, but your legacy remains! Save me a spot nearby, I can't wait to hear you play that guitar live. a long time fan, ~pf

Sitting here...

[johndiii]

Trying to figure out what to say. These are indeed questions with no easy answers. The people that love you want you to get better, but you are right that it is hard to watch someone that you love go through what you are going through. Their intent is not to contribute to the problem, but they get tired too. We're all human (with perhaps some [slashdot.org] Kibby+the+Great>exceptions [slashdot.org]), and they are trying to do what they think is right.

It sounds like you are trapped between having what you need to be able to heal,

Oops

[johndiii]

Second link [slashdot.org].