It does get better, right?

Journal spun's Journal: It does get better, right? 12

Journal by spun on Wednesday May 30, 2007 @11:41PM

Yes it does get better. Jenny knocked me for a loop, no doubt. But here it is, four days after my wife broke up with me and things are already feeling much better. I'm not dead yet ;-)

Now, I've taken o1d5ch001's advice, and I'm not going to call her. Let her call me. Which, of course she has, three times today. Sigh. It doesn't even hurt anymore when we both sign off, "I love you," because we still do. We're going to be friends, but I told her, that's not going to be for a couple of months at least, and we should try to keep things short and light between us for the near future.

So everything is okay between us now. Sunday, when I was in the pits of loneliness and despair and was texting her pathetic messages of hoplessness, she pragmatically reminded me that I do have friends here I can count on, outside her circles. And family that I love and trust and actually enjoy hanging out with.

Of course, I did not want to hear that then. I mean, even without that, I have the tools to pull myself out of any situation, and I knew the whole time that I was indulging my hurt, and indulging my anger, and I did not want to be reminded, by HER of all people, that I was fine, and just being a big baby.

So today I called Micah, one of our best friends from San Francisco who had moved out here to the Southwest a year before we did. He lives in Santa Fe, and he's one of those gay guys that is bestest friends with all the hottest chicks in town. He said to come up on Friday and stay for the weekend, he'd have some friends over and we'd all get drunk and have a party.

Here is an important lesson, guys. Do not be afraid of the gays. The gays will help get you laid. They know what looks good on you. They know how you should do your hair. They know all the hot chicks. So you stand the risk of getting 'tricked' into getting your dick sucked or some such. Oh, the horrors, having your dick sucked by a man! Geez! here's a clue: if you worry about that, you know, think about it a lot, uhm, how to put this? You're gay. Get over it.

Me, I'm not gay. You know how I know? I've tried it. Fun for the kink factor, fun if it's part of a group scene, and of course if it's with someone you love it can be special even if there's no physical attraction. What? Yeah, that's right. Being gay isn't about guys loving guys, any guy could do that with another guy if only most guys weren't so scared about being gay. No, being gay is about liking dick, and the shape of a man's body. I want something with curves, which is also why I don't like skinny girls as much.

Physical attraction is a funny thing. There was this girl in Hawaii who was in Poly Paths, the polyamory group on Oahu. Pretty blond girl, medium build, nice face. We liked each other and talked a lot, but there was no sexual spark. We decided to try it anyway, and it was just bad, like kissing your sister bad. Seriously, we both thought the other person was physically attractive, but there I was in bed with this hot girl and it just felt like, ewww. So we ended up just being really good friends.

I almost convinced myself I could be gay for this man. He's the one who convinced me to leave Hawaii and move back to LA with him. I was in love with him. He wanted to marry me! But that is a WHOLE other story we won't get into now. Suffice it to say, if it weren't for him, I'd never have moved back to San Francisco and hooked up with Jenny seven years ago.

Going up to Santa Fe for the weekend means I'm going to miss the Saturday meeting of the Southwest Writers Workshop. Nizo (of Slashdot, and evidently, also of Albuquerque) said it was a good resource for writers. I've always thought, and been told, that I'm a pretty good writer. Well, now is a great time for me to do all those things I've been meaning to do. I've signed up for a writing class at UNM in July.

I'm going to do some of the hiking and camping I like to do this summer, too. Jenny was never much for the outdoors. That's an understatement. She hates dirt. She has poor balance and bad knees. She doesn't understand the beauty of it. That, to me, is the saddest thing. She can be moved to tears by great art, but she can't be moved by a sunset. "Eh, yes it's pretty. Why are we out here again?" And I am definitely, absolutely, without a doubt making it to the Rainbow Gathering this year. It's been, oh man, it's been since Rob Batista died. There is a whole other story, too.

Here's an interesting connection, the guy who maintains that Rainbow Gathering website is Rob Savoy, the primary maintainer of DejaGnu, among many, many other things he has done for the GNU project over the years. Omigawd! It's true, did you hear? Open source developers ARE all dirty smelly hippies who live in the woods, holy crap!

What else? Ah, of course! Do I re-embrace my previous identity as a role-playing game geek? Haven't done that in a while. Is that too geeky, do people over thirty play RPGs? Hah, I know they do, I'll have to head down to the local game store and scope out the scene. I've met some really smart and interesting people through role playing. What does it matter now that Jenny thought it was a dorky hobby? Improvisational theater's sad little cousin, my ass!

The local Mensa group has been lax in sending me out my info packet. How geeky is that? I'm joining Mensa! Yeah, I already know I could be a member. I had to take dozens of IQ tests as a kid. I'm going to have to call them. I want to meet more smart people because frankly, when I really open up the throttle, most of the time I leave everyone around me just standing and blinking their eyes in the dust. I don't actually like that feeling.

Frankly, I'm going to have an awesome summer. Oh fuck. Now I see it. Now I see the symmetry. Damn those women with their emotional wisdom and shit. None of you are going to understand this because I haven't really gotten around to explaining Meg yet. She was my teacher, like I was to Jenny.

When I met Meg, I deeply wanted to be an enlightened, self actualized person. I'd taken some faltering steps on my own, and called out to the universe to send someone to help me. I swear, I did not ask for someone cute. Margaret Dougherty, or Nutmeg as she goes by in Rainbow circles, took me to the point where I can get there on my own. I'm not claiming I'm there 100%, all the time, but I know where I'm going. I know I'll get there, and I know that where I am is more than okay. So there's no damn hurry. That's where Jenny is now, right there beside me on the path.

Jenny knew we'd stagnated. She knew I would never leave her, out of love and loyalty. But there was tension. I'd already given her the most important thing there is, and by all rights, when you give somebody that, you let them move on. Jenny needed to. Hell, I needed to, I would have seen it if I hadn't been blinded by my own past hurt from my family about marriages breaking up. That's why Meg had to kick me out of the nest when she'd woken me up, and why Jenny had to kick me out after I'd woken her.

Shit, looking back on some of my earlier journal entries regarding her 'graduating from the school of Seth' or however lame way I put it then, Hah! I should have seen this coming a mile away. Shit, shit shit. I've been spiritually lazy, and I certainly haven't been watching the signs as closely as I should have. That's my problem, I see the future but I see all my fantasies, too. And all any of it does it get in the way of me seeing the present.

So she had to do it this way. Did I mention that neither one of us is fully enlightened yet? Yeah, you see, sometimes we both make things happen for ourselves where we don't really understand why it had to happen that way until later. When one is fully enlightened, I'm not sure if one just sees it all, or if one is simply not there to see, or if there is even a difference.

She had to do it this way. She knows how loyal I am, she had to stick a fucking knife in my heart to get me to agree to her leaving. And we both should have known it was the right time for that. You know, I'm starting to remember. I forgot a lot of who I am. I had to to be the kind of person she could learn from, but I told myself I'd remember when it was all over and she'd gotten where she needed to be. It's a dangerous trick, ladies and gentlemen, one I wouldn't recommend trying at home.

And guess what kind of person Mr. Y. is? Go ahead, I'll give you one guess. You know, she talks about me to him all the time. I've seen it, she'll be projecting some amazing bit of insight or wisdom, and then she'll get all embarrassed and say something along the lines of, "but Seth was really the one who showed me how to look at it that way." As I said, the symmetry is staggering once you see it. Well shit. Why am I always the last to know these things? Hehe.

You know, the period after I graduated from the school of Meg and she kicked me out of our little nest in Hawaii was one of the most interesting, exciting, wild and crazy periods of my life. I wonder what this next period of bachelorhood will be like?

I also wonder if Meg learned any of the lessons I tried to teach her, as she was bringing me up to where she was on the path we're on? Meg of course would kick my ass for even asking such a stupid question. Because you know, it isn't linear. You can have a lot to learn, and still have something to teach. Oh. Oh my. You know, I've tried to tell Jenny that I've learned things from her, too, that we've both taught each other to be better people, but now, somehow, I don't think she really heard me.

Well. How interesting, to me anyway. I literally have been figuring this out as I've been writing this. So I'm sorry if it makes no sense to y'all, (as if more than a handful of people will ever read this anyway) but it makes sense to me now. That's really the reason I write in this thing. It helps me figure things out sometimes. And doing it in public keeps me honest. ;-)

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