Journal Liora's Journal: Introspection 10
I am really a pretty lousy person. Two things have reminded me of this in the past three days.
I went to school with Miss America. (Yes, now everyone knows where I went to school... get over it.) She is (apparently) a very beautiful and nice Christian girl who works really hard and happens to be talented enough to win the Miss America Pageant. But when we were in school, and even up until about an hour after I found out she had won at church on Sunday, I hated her.
She sang really loud, so loud in fact, that it upset the balance in a few choruses. (I actually sing very very loudly, so her singing much much louder than I is really quite a feat.) She waltzed into our Japanese class sophomore year where the rule was no one did the homework and promptly ruined the very delicate balance we had by doing the homework. And, she wasn't a real person. I mean, here we were, kids with slight problems with alcohol and drug abuse, and she was there all quadruple stars and lip waxes. She lived in some fantasy world where it seemed like she looked down her nose at us with real lives.
So someone told me, at church, that a girl from Urbana Assembly of God had won the Miss America Pageant. I hadn't even known she had been Miss Illinois. And I was quiet, and finally said that I had known her but hadn't exactly gotten along with her in high school. The young adult pastor got on me there... "She's such a sweet girl. Don't even go on like that." And about an hour later, it hit me... she is a sweet girl. Those smiles are not fake, she did all the work because she was a hard worker, not to show off, and I had actually looked down on her because she was a Christian and living rightly and doing all the things I now wish I had done. So, Erica, if you're reading, you're awesome. And I'm really sorry.
The other thing that has been reminding me of late that I am not a great person is my love life. So, Shimmin, if you're reading, please stop or read on and don't tell me about it or something. I like a guy. Yes, he reads slashdot, hence the warning. And yes, he could feasibly stumble onto this thing, and no I don't really care because I am sort of in an "I suck, and who cares if anyone finds out," sort of mood. (Frequently my mood during introspection... my faults have never been something I have felt like I needed to hide.)
So anyway, this guy. He's amazing. And I have sort of been trying to decide what kind of person I want to be when I grow up lately. I know that it will involve spending lots of time with God and helping people all I can and taking the high moral ground at all costs. But if I look to where I want to be if I ever do actually start dating this guy, and where I am now, I fall short terribly. By my standards, not his or anyone else's, except maybe God's, but then we all fall short of that. I am really a very terrible creature. I'm lazy, mean, I drink, smoke, lie, cheat, steal (okay, maybe not cheat or steal), and am capable of thinking about the worst things on earth.
How is great personal change initiated? For the better, that is, and standing for all that is productive, decent, honest, integrous, and pure? I'm sort of sick of sitting right where I am. On sleepless roads the sleepless go, may angels lead me in.
One reason that I don't like reading about this... (Score:2)
A while ago, this guy said to me through email, something along the lines of, "People tend to be so judgemental of others who are better than they are. 'Hey! That Christian is so preachy.'. No, that Christian is just standing there.". Like I said, that's just a paraphrase. The basic message that I got out of it, is that deep down inside, we can't stand to see other people succeed or be happy, so we try to bring them down to our level.
I think that there should be some criticism allowed, though. As for when it is appropriate, it should be saved for another thread.
I'm really happy for you to see her in a new light.
you are obviously not alone (Score:2)
I realize you are in a self...well, not hating, but let's say not liking mood. Nothing wrong with that. Let me tell you, from what I see when you reply in my journal, or write in yours, you are a good person. In my book, what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Everyone has days where they dislike everything about themselves. Hey, I could be in better shape, (this coming from someone who is in pretty damned good shape) could be more patient, (in every aspect of my life) and I definitely could do better in regards with giving my fellow humans the benefit of the doubt. But, and this is a large but, I try. As long as I realize my shortcomings, and work to correct them, then that is all I can do. No one is perfect, me least of all. By now, everyone knows the Em lost his job at Lucent and was unemployed for a while. But, what you may not know is that for about 3 months, I was unconsolable. Oh, I did all the searching, calling, begging for positions, just like everyone else, but for some reason, it was different because it was me. I had always survived layoffs and mass firings before. So, when it came time for me to get the axe, I was affected heavily. I moped around the house, drank too much, became listless, etc. Soon, I realized it wasn't my fault, that 65,000 other people got the axe just like I did. It wasn't personal. I did nothing to warrant it, and it wasn't my fault. So, I could either continue to slip into depression, or I could change my outlook and do what I needed to do.
Once I made that decision, everything else kinda fell into place. I assessed my situation in life and decided I didn't like it. So, I began to change it. First, in little ways. In your JE, you said that if you look at where you want to be if you ever start dating this guy compared to where you are now, you fall terribly short. do some soul-searching if you can, and determine what exactly you think is making you feel this way. Then, work towards correcting it. You can do it.
I leave you with this thought:
Self analyzation is an ugly thing. But, once you get it done and realize what you need to correct,(or not correct) the beauty of who you are shines through. Keep your head up. I wouldn't have responded if you were a bad person
I'm probably not the person who should be talking (Score:2)
But I have to say my mother is also very spiritual. More so than anyone else in our family. And so what would she say at a moment like this? I guess she would say that something that the moments of doubt are when faith is most important.
So what about your dilemma? Hm. I guess it is like getting into a fight with your family: getting angry at them is a common thing and shouldn't be frowned upon. You will never agree with someone at all times and only a fool backs down from all confrontations. But the key is to never hate them for it. Being angry is fine but only if you can forgive in time.
Let's say I'm at a football game and a guy spills his beer on me. Well, shit, I'd be pissed. I'd probably be saying stuff like "you know what fucking dicfore did to me at that game?"
But in the end I would get over it. And if I saw that guy in the street I wouldn't think twice about it. Well at least that's how I was taught civilized people acted.
There will aways be things about people that bother you and you shouldn't feel bad about it. Not everyone in the world will be your friend. But the key is to not hold grudges forever.
Look at it this way: did her coming in and doing homework in your Japanese class have any long term effects on you? Were you sitting around fuming about it? Everytime you saw those Wasabi commercials did you curse her name? I doubt it. Probably at most you said "I remember..." and "We didn't get along." As far as I can tell you did the adult thing and just let it go.
Now I don't agree with your pastor jibbing you for not getting along with her. Ask him has he ever been cut off by someone in his car or had someone wait intolerably long at an ATM? I mean my parents snore like there's no tomorrow and going on vacations as a kid with them sucked, but does that mean I don't love them? No. The difference between anger and hate is a fine but very important one. The key is to not let the first transmute into the second.
Now about Guys... shit, I have no fucking clue. I have enough trouble trying to figure out your end of the gender specturm let alone my own. I'll let you ladies talk among yourselves on that one.
So, you aren't perfect... no one is. (Score:2)
Everyone feels the way you do now occasionally. When I look back at some of the things I've done... I'm not proud of some stuff. But I can't change it, and I wouldn't if could. (see Em's latest journal) I wouldn't change because I learned from it, and it seems you have, too. It's like when someone is an alcoholic, the first thing they have to do is admit they have a problem. If you had posted, "I went to school with Miss America, and she was a terrible person, so the contest must be fixed." I would have thought you had problems, and aren't where you shouldn't be. But you didn't. You said you were wrong and apologized in case she is reading. (Wouldn't it be cool if Miss America read /.?) If you have asked God to forgive you for those envyous feelings, then He has and they are as far from His rememberance as east is from west. So, why are you dwelling on them? You need to let them go and let God handle them.
As for your little list, first off, I know you aren't lazy. You've told me about all the stuff you are doing at work and at church, and I assume you haven't worn the same outfit every day, and you are eating, so I know you are also attending to the mundane business as well.
You aren't mean, at least you haven't been to me. Brutally honest, maybe, but not mean. :-)
What is wrong with drinking? You've never led me to believe that you thought it was wrong before, why now? Are you drinking too much or having problems? As for the smoking, it isn't good for you, but it doesn't make you a bad person. My mother smoked for most of her life and she is a wonderful person.
Every person on the face of this earth has told a lie at one point in time. Anybody who says they haven't is adding another to the list.
and am capable of thinking about the worst things on earth.
Yeah, that's the down side of that whole free will thing. Couple that with your intelligence, and you CAN think of the worst things on earth. And the best things on earth and things not on earth. Everyone is capable of thinking bad thoughts. If we weren't, sin wouldn't be a problem, because nobody would be able to think of anything sinful to do.
I think you have already initiated great personal change. Change for the better is good. I love to see people bettering themselves, but don't be so hard on yourself. Yeah, you've messed up in you life, congratulations, you're human. Look back at all the things you have been, and look instead at how far you have come. Don't dwell on what you were. This is the best advice I can give you. That and pray and put your mind on God. God doesn't want you to detest yourself. He loves you and this self loathing isn't love, so obviously didn't come from God. That only leaves one other source. Spend some time in prayer and thank God for all that He has given you, and for all that He has done for you to make you a better person. Don't complain that you aren't perfect yet, or how "bad" you were. Just be glad that God is molding you, and trust that He knows how fast you need to walk down this path. Don't put artificial deadlines on this. If shimmin doesn't like the person you are now, then maybe it isn't time to be with him. I doubt that is the case, but don't rush change just because you aren't where you think you need to be. Realize areas you can work on, and work on them. That is all any of us can do. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
change the way you perceive... (Score:2)
a bad person would not have felt guilt for behaving badly. a good person (like YOU!) sees mistakes and seeks ways to correct them. you are a good person. being human is good, but difficult at times. guilt might make you aware of things you don't like about yourself, but please don't let it eat you. guilt cannot help you beyond pointing out something that needs repair.
everyone could do things better. but we must act according to our understanding. i see things i have done when i understood less and am horrified. i have made people cry. i wish it could have been from physical pain, but i hurt them with ideas. to me this is much worse. even now as i am recalling it, i feel a little upset with myself. sometimes i should have known better but did bad things anyway. but those experiences have brought me understanding so that i can try to avoid things like it in the future. i am also better equipped to heal wounds in hearts and minds because my experiences have brought me more empathy.
you are not what you have done. you are not your mistakes. but what you learn will stay with you.
you know what you don't like, so you've already started to repair it. one thing i always have to keep in mind for myself is that a large problem is really just a system of smaller ones. if you tackle the little problems one by one, the large one will fall, too. it is not beyond you to be who you really are. if you let it, it will shine through.
welcome to the process (skinny puppy, again)
good people often feel the way you feel now. it is one of the reasons they are good. they were inspired to improve themselves.
i hope you cheer up.
Huh I don't get it (Score:1)
Well for starters
I went to school with Miss America. (Yes, now everyone knows where I went to school... get over it.)
Which miss america, the current one? (err, when is that picked any ways, I have no idea who she even is or anything. Pop culture stuff is the suck).
But, aside from that;
She sang really loud, so loud in fact, that it upset the balance in a few choruses.
On purpose just to annoy others? Does not sound very nice to me. . .
and she was there all quadruple stars and lip waxes.
I have no idea what quadruple stars are, but seems to me that spending time on such frivolous things as personal appearance is rather silly, check the basics down and that is it. She couldn't be all that if she was worried about such silly things.
She lived in some fantasy world where it seemed like she looked down her nose at us with real lives.
Seemed like, or did?
Those smiles are not fake, she did all the work because she was a hard worker, not to show off, and I had actually looked down on her because she was a Christian and living rightly and doing all the things I now wish I had done.
I do not see how a person with a heart of any sort can can be bright a cheery all the time when there is so much saddness and sorrow in the world. Happy Sappy people drive me nuts, blind to the pain of those around them, ignorant of the suffering that exists all about, bleh.
I'm lazy, mean, I drink, smoke, lie,
All humans are lazy. Seriously. Drives me, and them, nuts. Hey, what are you doing on
Of course you could not be. A limited amount of Self Indulgence is necessary in order to maintain psychological balance. You will do yourself nor God any good if you "go off the deep end" so to speak.
Lying sucks, no reason for it. Lying is always so much more of a hassle then just telling the truth, I never have understood about how anybody who claims that they are lazy can also manage to lie. Way to much work.
and am capable of thinking about the worst things on earth.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
No your not.
Want to have a contest some time?
Fun times for all and all that, heh.
Ooh I just thought of a new one! woohoo!
But in all seriousness, without being able to confront the demons within, a person is just in constant denial of reality.
Or if you really just want to reassure yourself that you are not that bad of a person, check out some random Japanese fetish porn some time, I guarantee you that you will find some stuff that even your mind could never have imagined. Weeeeeeeiiiirrrddd stuff.
Re:Huh I don't get it (Score:2)
She may think
I do not see how a person with a heart of any sort can can be bright a cheery all the time when there is so much saddness and sorrow in the world. Happy Sappy people drive me nuts, blind to the pain of those around them, ignorant of the suffering that exists all about, bleh. /. Sitting around moping doesn't help anyone, and it makes 1 more person not enjoy their life.
Then I would put you in a mental hospital for sure. I'm not oblivious to the fact that there is pain and suffering all over the world, but I can't cure it all. I'm happy because I have the spirit of God living in me, and just knowing that keeps me happy. Even when I'm on the receiving end of the pain and suffering and unfairness, I usually vent and I'm feeling happy again in a few hours. Being sad doesn't help and is a waste of energy. I help all those I can, whether that means giving money to the charities I give to, or tithing at church, or taking time to post on
Bad Actions do not make Bad People (Score:1)
-1 Redundant (Score:2)
The wrong track. (Score:1)
Be content with figuring out what you do, or feel you've done wrong. It's like the AA thing: Admitting you've got a problem is the first step. If you see the things you're doing wrong, and feel sorry about them, then you don't have to spend so much time ACTIVELY deciding to be better. You're subconscious will do everything it can to prevent you from causing yourself major pain. It's not very often that I have to make a conscious decision to prevent myself from doing something wrong.
Don't beat yourself up. Well, maybe a little! You're already doing OK just because you realize there are things about yourself that you aren't proud of. I know many people who have gone through their entire lives and never figured that out.
Believe me, if you're interested in a list of "bad things that ? is sorry for" to compare your life against, I can provide a doozy!!! And, that list would include everything from how I treated people I dated (thinking I was being a "good guy" at the time), to the recent death of my pet (A sick geriatric cat).
If you are having these thoughts, then whoever you date is pretty lucky!
So, don't stop with the introspection. Actually, I think you're getting an early start.
Just don't go off the deep-end. I know people who are so introspective that they are completely unable to act if the act in question involves something else.
Just my random thoughts....