sielwolf's Journal: Award Shows are Spit in Your Eye

Let me start by saying that all award shows are worthless. It's the cashflow ressurrection game; take movies/records/ear bolts that are rotting out on the vine, throw some gold-plated statuary at them and watch the punters roll out their wallets again. Plus, think of the advertising opportunities! And who doesn't like to celebrity watch?!? Guhghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! But Em brought up the subject. Anyway, from least worthless to most worthless Award Show:

1. AVN Awards: Need I say more?
2. The Tonies: This actually determines if a show stays on a lot of times and is much more insular. But it's also lost a lot of repect ever since The Lion King and the Producers swept them up. Now its about making shows that are big Hollywood-derived spectacle that they can cash in on and... well, they're like Oscars Jr.

   big drop off here...

3. The Independent Spirit Awards: Only because of the comedy. Much more relaxed and there's some funny stuff that goes on (see Brittany Murphy).
4. The Daytime Emmys: Little meaning and no one really watches it. It's the club you see and feel a sharp tick to your pride that you aren't in on it... until you remember its a retarded fucking club, you'd never be caught dead there and everyone tries to abandon ship only to be washed up on the same deserted island again and again.
5. The Cable ACE Awards: Only because David Cross had the brilliant sketch about James Lipton's acceptance speech. If the Daytime Emmys are the Emmys Jr, the Cable ACE Awards are the slow son kept in the basement chained to a leaky pipe when guests come over to the house.
6. The Oscars: Blugh. The only thing they've redeemed themselves on is their lifetime achievement awards. At least their awards are memorable... which is good and bad. We know who most Oscar winners are but we also know that Forrest Gump beat out Shawshank, Pulp Fiction, Hoop Dreams, Shakespeare in Love somehow got over on Saving Private Ryan (which I hate but accept as great cinema) and The Thin Red Line. And let's not forget that Martin Scorsese, maker of the BEST movie of the 80's and the BEST movie of the 90's lost to (in order) Robert Redford and Kevin Fucking Costner. Also the Supporting Actor/Actress awards are either feast (Paul Giamatti, Benicio) or famine (Cuba Gooding JR).
7. The Emmys: They give out awards for TV now? Can we even tell? All we know is that HBO wins most of them because most TV sucks regardless. Of course now its just the Sopranos ejaculatron. TV talent is lower than B list film talent.
8. The Grammys: Duuuuhh!! No one can explain the difference between Best Album and Best Record. And more to the point no one cares! Kanye, get off your own dick, man. Musical genres change so quickly they just throw any goddamn band into any category they think fits. They have no clue. Their Best Albums list had no albums anyone cared about really. Compare this to the Billboard awards (which are given out based SOLELY on sales) and you will see no significant difference.
9. Anything MTV Puts out: Just on the principle of them not being nearly as funny as they think they are. For every Ben Stiller there's a Lisa Kudrow. They depreciate so quickly it's hilarious. Come! See! Mr Mister! Kajagoogoo! Mase! Offspring! Lou Bega!!! Their award shows predestinate what the dollar used cd bin at your cd store will look like next year.

WTF?

[Talinom]

No one can explain the difference between Best Album and Best Record.

Is it that they like redundancy or is it that they feel the need to stroke the ego's of multiple artists at the same time? I sure as hell don't know WTF the difference is between the two.

Re:WTF?

[trs9000]

taken from anonymous comment below:

Album = collection of tracks (songs)
Record = single track (song)

I'm replying only to add the difference between Song of the Year and Record of the Year.
Song is the words and music, on paper. You could hand it to a thousand musicians and have em do it a thousand ways. The award goes to who wrote the song.

Record of the Year is the specific version of a song. Obviously a song that isnt good aint gonna get nommed for this, but also, now the production and engineering matter

Re:WTF?

[gmhowell]

Okay little children, let me take you back in time and give you a bit of a history lesson. Back in the old days, you purchased your music in the form of a 78rpm disc. This disc had two sides. One side was music. Sometimes the other side was blank. Sometimes a repeat (those discs wore out from playing) and sometimes another song. The disc was known as a record. Some bright fella (or his wife) got the idea that some people would like to buy several records at one time. Based on a common theme or artist. So th

SAG?

[ellem]

Let me get this straight... there aren't enough awards so they award themselves fro pretending to be someone else?

Fuck them.

What about the Clio Awards?

[StalinsNotDead]

The awards for the best commercials.

Re:What about the Clio Awards?

[sielwolf]

I guess my list is far from compete :) But the Clios are interesting. The big knock is that they could show you three straight hours of commercials and we couldn't tell.