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Journal bellus quies's Journal: What to do about the boyfriend's bestfriend... 14

Journal by bellus quies

Ok, I'm kinda upset about something and need to vent to get it off my chest. Well last night my boyfriend and I had a discussion regarding his friends, namely his best friend G, the one who lived with us for a few months earlier this year.

My boyfriend's concern being that right now I don't have the highest opinion of G and don't really like him. And how I shouldn't be offended by insensitive things that he says because he doesn't know what he's doing because he's got aspergers and just doesn't get the emotional stuff. And the metaphor that my boyfriend uses is how I wouldn't kick a puppy if it peed on the floor, why do I get upset at G when he's insensitive?

Hmmm. Well, I get upset because he's not a puppy, he's a guy who's turning 30 not too soon and still can't discern when he's being rude. I really think that the whole aspergers thing shouldn't be an excuse for his being rude. For example, my last journal, everyone here on /. was kind and supportive and used humor to lighten my spirits. Whereas G responded telling me that I should of expected that response and he doesn't see why I'm getting all pissy about it, then cut and pasted info from the site I linked to that supported his position. (Ok so you don't see his response here because it's on the a different journal site that's a mirror of this one, where him and my boyfriend post.) but I would think that if all the tech-minded people on /. has the capacity to be empathetic to my frustration, why not G?

And his insensitivity has happened previously. From before he moved in with us his main concern was that my boyfriend and I would be too kisseyfaced around him. When I asked my boyfriend if G has asked at all if his moving in with us would affect our relationship, he said no. So we ended up living with G for 3-4 months which did put a strain on our relationship, and didn't really give me any reason to like G. In all that time G hardly made any attempt to get to know me, even though I made numerous tries at small talk with him.

I just wish my boyfriend would stop making excuses for him. My BF even agreed with me that G was being a dick responding like that, and even went so far as to e-mail G and tell him that he was being insensitive. Even then e-mailing back and forth G didn't understand. Even when I replied back to G that I found his response insulting, his just said "Geez, chill out." Nothing so far as saying that he didn't intend it insult me, and his flippant reply just makes me more upset with him.

So my BF doesn't understand why I'm hesitant to be around G in the future. My BF's sisters adore G like he's a second brother, as he was around the house as they grew up. So he doesn't' understand why I don't like him. I tried to explain that with me, the good versus bad experiences around G weighs in the negative. That maybe in the future the scales will turn, but that I'm hesitant

anyways I'm at a loss of what to do, as I don't want to let people trample on my personal boundaries, and yes I have a limit to the rudeness that I will tolerate from others. but my boyfriend takes my dislike of his best friend as a personal insult. That he says he defines himself by his friends, that he typifies himself as the "nice guy" and won't tell off others and that even though his friends can be crappy and insensitive at times that they have their good sides too.

I just don't get it when my BF tells me that I don't have to like his friends, but then get's upset when I don't. Then he describes his bestfriend's actions as a puppy. If I were G I'd be upset that my bestrfiend thinks I have the emotional capacity of a dog.
Well, I could rant for a while on this as I'm really frustrated as what to do. so I'll just stop writing for now.

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What to do about the boyfriend's bestfriend... More

What to do about the boyfriend's bestfriend...

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  • using a (over and often self-diagnosed) condition as an excuse to be absolved of responsibility is just pathetic. no, i don't mean to say this person isn't legitimately diagnosed (and if they are, what are they doing about it?)... but its been my experience that it is often used as an excuse. excuses are weak and pointless.

    no, if a person is abdicating responsibility just to be an ass, an insentive and crass jerk, then i believe they have no place in decent society.

    and yeah... i know what i'm talking about.
      • so frankly, i don't want to hear about anyone belly aching about "oh, i can be a fucking jack ass because i have this condition." nope. sorry. wrong.

      If someone can recognize that they have a condition, it makes sense that they should be able to recognize the behavior as well - and make a conscious effort to do something about it.

      • Very true. However he doens't realize that he has it.

        thought my BF pretty much knows he has it though he didn't have a name to put to it untill I mentioned Aspergers. Previously my BF just told me that if I want to make G understand something I have to put it in a very clear cut logical order or he will just shrug it off. And that G doesn't really understand emotions... like how G wonders why a stripper would stop talking to him when he tells her he's out of cash because he thought that she really liked
          • Previously my BF just told me that if I want to make G understand something I have to put it in a very clear cut logical order or he will just shrug it off.

          So, he tells you you need to be very direct and to the point with him, but then he asks you not to? I would translate that into your boyfriend simply telling you that you have to tough it out and put up with him. Are you willing to deal with that?

          • Aye there's the rub. No, I won't just roll over when someone is consinuously rude to me, especially if it is my BF's friend. Because if I plan on staying with my boyfriend for the long haul then G will allways be around, and I don't want a lifetime of having to tolerate someone who is disrespectful to me.

            So, what I'm hopeing will happen is a mixture of both that I will learn how to tactfully tell G that he's been insensitive, and that my BF will understand that when it comes to G the apathetic approach do
            • So, what I'm hopeing will happen is a mixture of both that I will learn how to tactfully tell G that he's been insensitive, and that my BF will understand that when it comes to G the apathetic approach doesn't cut it.

              Have you considered rolling up a newspaper, smacking him on the nose and saying "No."?
    • No this person isn't diagnosed with Aspergers, but it was something that I mentioned to my BF that G might have on account of the numerous stories that he's told me of G that make me guess that this might be his issue. And my BF agreed with me after I told him. But G has been on meds to help his psych issues, but is off them because he was having side effects.

      And G's not abdicating responsibility so much as he just doesn't know he does it because no one around him tells him so, but they just chalk it up
  • Every nice person in the world should repeat this phrase 100 times:

    Not everyone in this world has to like me. And that is okay. As such, I don't have to like everyone in this world, either.

    Added to that, you don't have to like everyone who likes you, and people you like do not have to like you back. The important part is that we all remain civil.
    If your boyfriend defines himself by his friends, remind him that you are his girlfriend and by that, a large part of him is defined by your personality trait
  • or at least funny, but i couldn't cut it couldn't turn
    o/~"All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)"o/~ into advice on how to deal with BF's bestfriend
    ah well, just take down all those naked pictures of ernest borgnine you've got hanging in your den!!

  • Whereas G responded telling me that I should of[sic] expected that response and he doesn't see why I'm getting all pissy about it, then cut and pasted info from the site I linked to that supported his position.

    That should be "should've", not "should of".;)

    Other than that, ::hug::. It sounds like a rather sticky and irritating situation to find oneself in. Maybe you and your bf mean slightly different things by "like"/"don't like". Eh. People.:P

    ::virtual hug redux::

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