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User Journal

Journal Journal: Account Closed 1

Welcome to my brief cathartic rant.

I woke up one day, not so very long ago, looked in the mirror, and realized I had turned a little rotten. It's not a good feeling. I realized that I need to take a step back, reflect, and readjust.

My priorities got mixed up somehow. In my zeal to indulge my interests, I lost sight of the big picture. I haven't read a good book in years. Who has the time? There are too many HOWTO's, manuals, and newsgroups to read. I've become overly concerned with my own mortality. With the finite limits of a finite lifespan.

I have three small children. The oldest is five. In their world, I am god. I am their teacher, and their moral compass. I am not worthy.

My life has become rife with responsibility. Aging parents above, children below. I'm someone's husband. My work responsibilities are genuine and significant. The thing I'm coming to terms with, is that the more important I've become, the less important I've become. My priorities cannot be my priorities.

The demands on my time have made me unduly preoccupied with my personal passions. I need to let go. I need to relax. I stay up too late, trying to maintain my interests, too tired to do them justice. And sometimes I become bitter and frustrated. Full of self-pity. Jealous.

Looking at the whole of my life, this is stupid. I have a good life. An excellent life. So, to borrow an idiom, I'm turning over a new leaf. I am going to relax. I am going to read a good book. I'm not going to vault to stardom next week, and that's o.k. If you think I sound like a middle aged wet blanket, well, you're right. I am. I'm giving my ambitions a rest, taking an early retirement from the concerns of Slashdot, and focusing a little more attention on other things.

Keep things in perspective.

User Journal

Journal Journal: Bad Behaviour

Good writers revise, revise, revise. Slashdot posters rarely do, and I'm no exception. The result is more conversational, and sometimes a little raw. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, it's just the way it is.

But recently, I took ad hominem improvisation to a new level. Three sheets to the wind, I cut loose with a vitriolic slur that I'm quite ashamed of. There was no provocation. In fact, I really don't know what motivated me to write this tripe. All I know is that the next day I woke up feeling terrible, and it wasn't just the hangover.

I still feel terrible. I'm going to stop using this account. Even though it's just a pseudonym, there's a real person behind it. A person who doesn't want to have any association with my recent comments. I may submit a series of banal posts, just to push this rubbish off my info screen.

I'm not going to hide behind any more pseudonyms. I'm never going to post anything anywhere drunk. I'm going to restrict my public posting to newsgroups where I may be able to offer helpful advice. I'm going to lay off petty political imbroglios. Life is short; and after all is said and done, all any of us really want is to be happy. That's my goal, and I don't want to stand in the way of anyone else's pursuit of the same.

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I have a very small mind and must live with it. -- E. Dijkstra