Journal thelasttemptation's Journal: garbage or something like it 6
subgeek posted this in my last journal:
i don't know if it makes you feel any better, but i have been through times when i felt in ways similar to the way you feel. i felt worthless, ugly, stupid. i didn't do drugs at all (still don't), but people thought i was an addict or possibly a dealer. i thought no one cared about me. i thought no woman would ever love me. i wanted to do more than die. i wanted anihilation. i wanted never to have existed.
and i realized something. i feel almost exactly like that. i do with i never existed. it almost seems like i want to feel this way, because now that i look back, there's nothing for me to be upset about, yet i still feel upset about not having anything to be upset about. does that make sense? i feel like i should have all the negative that is in the world. for some reason, it is rightfuly mine, and mine alone, and if i had this negative in me, then it would valadate my feelings somehow. i think it has something to do with no postitive valadation, i have to look to the other extreme. now i really dont have any real negative, so i invented it to justify myself. if i am the worlds bitch, at least i have a reason to be here. now i have done quite a few bad things, but none of them really has been that bad. maybe i have a problem with my life because there is nothing defined. i am not good nor evil. i am not rich nor poor. i am nothing special. it is odd that knowing others felt the same way once and they got better does make me feel better.
i think i know why i cant make a move toward a girl as well. once i feel attracted to a girl, i think about it. i think about how it could work. nights that i could be held as i softly cry insted of being so very alone. i think about a loving touch or a wonderious embrace, and i dont think there is anything wrong with this, except i get so attached to the thought of having a relationship, i cant take the chance to ruin the thought, so i never try. in my mind, every relationship can be perfect, in realty, none can, and i guess i value the thought more then the possablity of a real relationship.
do you ever yern for highschool again? it was so simple when the worst i had to deal with was how to get out of doing homework. i could also convince myself that my friends were my friends because they liked me, not because they were force to be there. i yern for the days when my grand fathers were alive, and i wish i could spend more time with them. i wish i could do so much differently back then. i also am scared of making the same mistakes again, as did i really learn anything or is this all a accident. I loved my grandfather and he was really the only family member to give me the support i needed, and up until he died, i cared about school, i cared about a lot of things, and i remember the first time i got a report card after he died. i came running home, so proud of my a minus. went up to my parents and told them they have to show grandpa and they wouldnt answer me. that was the first time i understood death. up until then, death wasnt so final. i threw out the report card and just stoped caring. at this point in my life i didnt know my other grandfather, as he and my mom didnt get along because of a bunch fo stupid shit. i meet him about eight years ago. i really started spending some time with him about five years ago, but after a year or so, my ohh so important life keept me away from him. i loved him but i turned my back on him. when he died earlyer this year, i wasnt allowed to see him before he died because of my fucken parents arguing about stupid shit rather then tring to help anyone.
i just dont know sometimes, i really dont.
How old are you? (Score:1)
Re:How old are you? (Score:2)
i have watched fight club before, but i shall watch it again cause i dont see how it would apply.
Re:How old are you? (Score:2)
Listen to Tyler his words are very insightful.
You are not your possesions, you friends, you parents, your girlfriend.
TD is like how everyones dad should be.
Anyway it puts into perspective you insiginifacnt events are and that you should not dwell on anything.
well, here is my experience (Score:1)
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Some People call us mormons because of a book we read called the book of Mormon. Now before you start making judgements, I just want to say that I am very similar to you and not satanic, wierd or anything like that. I have never done drugs of any type. My life is long, if you are interrested in this story of mine, I'll expand on it.
A
Re: (Score:2)
hello again (Score:1)
by the way, i'm sorry i don't read many messages over the weekend. it's something akin to my rarely turning on aim even though i'm often on my computer. i'll also offer this perpetual disclaimer. if at any time my ideas/philosphy/advice bothers you, don't listen to it. you must find your own way. it may or may not be similar to mine. i post it because it might help.
it was my hope that it would to hel