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Journal rdewald's Journal: The Fat Loser is Back 38

Journal by rdewald

I have posted my first essay to FatLoser.org in about 18 months. Here's the text:

Why did I gain all that weight back?

The short answer is because I had not done anything about the reason I gained it in the first place. To be fair to myself, I did not know why I had persistently gained weight. I believed that either the "why" had resolved, or it was safely in my past, or I could now muster the "discipline" to overcome it. I believed not knowing wouldn't make any difference as long as I could master the how of losing weight.

I learned that knowing how to lose weight doesn't address the reason I gained it in the first place. I learned that being fat was important to me. I learned that a voice in me wants to stay fat. Still, today.

Before I get into an explanation, I want to reframe the terminology. The reason I gained the weight has always been that I ate more calories than I burned. That's the reason everyone gains weight. The converse, expending more calories than one consumes, is the condition that causes everyone to lose weight. While that's a reason why, that's not what I mean.

A more precise way to form the question is "What reward do I enjoy for being overweight?" I believe this is at the heart of the difference between people who carry a few pounds because of poor food/exercise choices and those of us who persist in overeating behavior beyond the reach of any natural feedback mechanism. Being overweight gets us something we want; it enables a way to act out the landscape of our self-regard.

This is about as far as I can go with an explanation that will have resonance with a large number of my readers. My own particular story necessarily is mine alone. But know this: if you are significantly overweight and you've maintained that for a while, you are getting something out of being fat. Something in you wants it. As incredible as that sounds, it must be true. We just seem to be built this way.

For me, it keeps people away, specifically women to whom I am sexually attracted, but it has a less powerful effect on all people. This relieves me of the anxiety and fear of having to deal with a very uncertain and historically painful part of my life: my life as a sexual being. I essentially have no life as a sexual being except in ways that I can control, specifically the acceptance of my own disappointment, the endurance of my own loneliness and the salve of indulgence in despair. As painful as all that is, I know the terrain. I know the script. I know how the story ends.

If I were to make genuine contact with another person along the axis of my sexual desire, I don't actually know how that will turn out. Something about my experience and beliefs around sexual desire thus far has caused me to be irrationally fearful of the uncertainty of the outcomes of sexual relationships. This irrationality is what feeds the irrational overeating behavior. People have told me that they wonder what in the hell it could be that can make an otherwise intelligent and capable being do something so self-destructive and senseless as gain so much weight. In my case, this is it. Being fat keeps me almost 100% safe from being desired and from being in a position with opportunities to experiment with my own desire.

I've actually known this on some level for some time. I used to imagine having a generous woman in my life who would attempt to assist me with getting used to being sexual by overcoming her own lack of attraction to me and participating in some sort of gradual re-awakening of my sexuality. I have even seriously explored the possibility of paying someone to do this. The problem with that line of thought is that it presupposes that the problem is out there. The premise is that I am being held back by the external world, that all I need is someone to believe the things about me that I can't (or won't). Everything about the line of reasoning is beautiful except the fact that it is not the truth.

I can't get the outside world to reform my interior life. I have to do that work myself.

Right now, one avenue I have available to me to begin doing this work is group therapy. I am a member of a group with several women whom I find sexually attractive. Group therapy is an environment in which one can more safely take emotional risks because it is simultaneously much more tightly controlled and much more free than typical social environments. We are not allowed to have relationships outside of the group. We do not contact each other outside of the group. We give ourselves and each other permission to reveal our thoughts and feelings about whatever is going on in the room. We have a psychologist in the room whose job it is to manage the interactions for our mutual benefit. We are all paying money to be there.

Yet, in spite of all these boundaries, I have real relationships in the group. These people matter to me, I believe I matter to them. So, what prompted this essay, what prompted this re-emergence on fatloser.org, was my experience last Thursday of dipping my toe in the matter, I explained all this to the attractive members of my group and told them I needed to do some work in this area. One member of the group made it clear that she understood where I was coming from and related her version of my story. Her story was so amazingly familiar to mine that we each felt as though we were really seen and understood by the other in ways that neither of us feels are otherwise very well known or understood by those around us.

My reaction to that has been surprisingly helpful and motivating. I know it's why I decided to begin again posting essays here, keeping my food diary and wearing a pedometer. It's hard to describe, but some part of that gaping pit of loneliness has been filled by my group member as if she were my girlfriend. I don't mean that I'm having any delusions about that--we are and always will be only group members to each other, only seeing each other for 90 minutes almost every week with five others in the room--but there's a place in me that has been empty for so long that I forgot something could be there which has been filled by my group member's effort to reach out to me in understanding of all this. Something really wonderful happened, I told her some really personal things about myself, among which was that I want her sexually, and she (figuratively, but very meaningfully) came running towards me.

More importantly, I just sat in the room with all that. I didn't go to my defenses. I just had the plain and simple experience of having my openness and disclosure be met with understanding and love. Something in me was fed by our interaction that has been starving for most of my life.

Buddhism has a cosmology which includes six realms of existence. One way to understand and apply this teaching is by regarding them as metaphorical archetypes for mental states of being. One of these realms is the "hungry ghosts," miserable beings with huge stomachs and pencil-thin necks who can never get satisfaction. No matter how much they eat they are always hungry. It is impossible for them to satisfy themselves, so they live desperate lives of emptiness and insatiable hunger, nothing they do makes a dent in their despair. It is truly a hopeless state of existence.

Sex is my hungry ghost stomach. My weight is my pencil-neck. I just noticed a sense of being full in there which didn't come from something I ate. It feels like hope.

This discussion was created by rdewald (229443) for no Foes, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

The Fat Loser is Back More

The Fat Loser is Back

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  • Stunning (Score:3, Insightful)

    by BWJones ( 18351 ) * on Saturday June 03, 2006 @09:38PM (#15464205) Homepage Journal
    Wow...... One of the things about this whole thing is the degree of disclosiveness. I find it amazing that there is this group where people can talk about intensely personal things. It's funny, but I grew up my entire life being *very* careful about revealing things to anybody. Starting my blog was amazingly difficult and even now I am exceedingly careful about what is posted. How did you find this group? Is everybody in the group for the same reasons or does everyone have differing primary reasons for belonging?

    P.S. Are you going to submit something for SMITE? We missed you last time and it would be so much more with a contribution from you.

       
    • "One of the things about this whole thing is the degree of disclosiveness. I find it amazing that there is this group where people can talk about intensely personal things."

      By "group" here I assume you are referring to the slashdot circle? If so, part of this practice for me is an exercise in letting go of the concept of a private self. If you read carefully you'll find that I kept a lot of personal details undisclosed and used language that is discreet and polite. I do reveal the central truth about my i
  • I’m really happy for you. I’d just checked your site about a week ago wondering if anything new was there. I don’t have anything terribly insightful to add (and since when does that ever stop me?), but I’m just plain happy to hear that you’re working on that challenge again.

    • Must be something in the water. I checked it about 3 (?) weeks ago as well.
      • Must be something in the water.

        If your town is anything like mine, god-awful amounts of chlorine.

        • If your town is anything like mine, god-awful amounts of chlorine.


          Fortunately, it's not too bad. I still prefer bottled when making beer and mead, but it's potable. My mother hails from Baltimore. I'm certain the water is pumped out of muni pools. Turn on the shower when I lived there, and there was enough chlorine to make your eyes tingle (from the steam, not when immersed. I suspect I'd be blind if I put that water in my eyes). Ugh.
    • Support and witness is more important than insight. Thanks for loads of both.
  • Back!!!
  • OK... Look I know I only met you the one time and I don't know where you were in your weight log...

    You're not that fat. In fact, you're really just sort of normally fat.

    I'm not trying to wreck your philosphy or anything and I know about all (too well) about the Chivarly Defense but here's the thing...

    STOP THINKING ABOUT FOOD.

    Simply stop. Stop thinking about calories and intake and burning and points and all of that. Stop.

    You're a big guy. You need fuel to move. Decrease it slowly.

    Stop thinking about it
    • Some need to be what others consider to be 'obsessive' about food. Maybe Richard doesn't, but I know that I do. I lack an inner metric of what constitutes an appropriate amount of food for sustaining myself and no more; I suspect that I always will. Tracking everything I eat is, oddly enough, the only way for me to not obsess over food and weight.
    • ellem, darlin, all due respect, but if it were really just that easy, don't you think Richard would have figured that out by now and just done it?

      Truth is, fat people are fat for a whole host of different reasons. Just as we are all more alike than we realize, so is each of us completely unique. I'm in agreement with him, that he's the only one who can resolve his own reasons for being overweight, or having issues with food and eating.

      So, great to see you back, Richard. I've been on quite a path myself
      • B, dear I totally completely DISAGREE with you.

        Stop assigning values to things. Do not allow a situation to be out of your control. This is the religion of the faithless! My mind and body are too complicated for me to comprehend! Bullshit.

        You can be in complete control. It's a choice. Choose it.

        I'm not some whack job who thinks you can beat cancer with your mind. I realize the limits of will. I don't assign any magical powers to that either.

        On the matter of weight you don't wake up 50 pounds overwei
        • I just started tracking what I am eating because I need to realign my portions and my snacking. I have slid into ' unconscious ' eating, which is new to me, and tracking what goes in will help to realign how much goes in.

          shift work is partly to blame, as in eating to stay awake, added to my life long habit of grazing instead of eating big meals has found me with eating habits that need to be tracked.

          Initially, to create new eating habits, I will need to set boundaries and tracking is presently the best opt
          • After that fails, and I am sorry Sparky it will, consider what I wrote.

            The facts are easy to see. All those Weight Watchers etc programs all fail because those people are constantly thinking about food. Points, calories what not.

            As for your grazing and eating to stay awake - those are difficult to break. If you chose to however you can.
            • that is why I am keeping track of what is going in the body. I have the basic idea of caloric content and that is it. So, I am tracking calorie, fat and sodium ( both low intake ), protein and fiber. This will help with my flexetarian leanings, keep me from getting too full it, and help flesh out my daily needs.

              Basically, I am reminding myself of the healthy snacking that used to be second nature to me that has gotten lost in the nightshift hours.

              Yup, peanut m&m's sure do hit the spot at 2
    • "OK... Look I know I only met you the one time and I don't know where you were in your weight log..."

      I weighed about 50 pounds less than I do now.

      "You're not that fat. In fact, you're really just sort of normally fat."

      There are no objective standards for these kinds of descriptors. But, the really important thing is that this is a health and comfort issue for me. I can't be healthy or comfortable at this weight.

      "STOP THINKING ABOUT FOOD."

      I generally don't think about food. I don't really like eating most
      • So let's plan a lunch... mmmm Mac meeting, Asian women inappropriately dressed for business... ;)
        • No problem, I'm a block from the N/R at 57th, I can get down there in a hurry. GTalk me when you're free and we'll make it happen on a nice breezy and warm day, if you know what I mean.
    • i reacted pretty strongly to this.

      i sure hope you realize that not everyone is a machine (the ability to just "stop") and there are more fundamental problems that will can't touch... and denial, which is what this sounds like, doesn't fix anything.

      yeah, macho-ness and pride always tells us to just be tough guys and simply "stop" doing those things, like fliping a switch.

      i'm not making excuses for not fixing problems. in fact i have no sympathy for those that have real problems but do nothing to work on them
      • Agreed. The best way to get something to stop controlling your life is to start thinking about it.
      • Not only do I completely disagree I find your tack dangerous.

        The "Excuses Method" of fixing life's problems, while an excellent industry, have solved NOTHING. For every one person who is saved through this 4 gillion fail.

        Want to lose weight (barring a thyroid (et al) condition)? Eat Less, Exercise More. I fucking guarantee you'll lose weight.

        In fact I'm writing a book on the topic. Here it is:

        Want to lose weight (barring a thyroid (et al) condition)? Eat Less, Exercise More.

        There you go. There's no se
        • yep, you didn't get it. did you actually read my post?

          *sigh*

          oh well. so, lets say you are an adult child, and your core issue is being neglected and abused and one of the ways that your not dealing with that problem was to put on 100 extra pounds. so ellem, do you really think that person would solve their problems just by droping the weight?

          do you *really* think that solves anything? do you think that person who lost all of the weight, but never dealt with their core issue, has actually solved any of their
          • You're busy solving mental issues. I'm solving physical issues.

            I'm not interested in your brain. I'm interested ih your hips and knees and shins.

            You want the now 100lb lighter man-child to go to therapy that's great. Losing weight is a physical endevour not a mental one. Stop intertwinging unrelated problems.
            • Stop intertwinging unrelated problems.

              lol!

              wrong, yet again mr. ellem.

              you need to do some learnin.

              they are only unrelated *for you*

              not everyone is you ellem, and the sooner you realize that, the more things will make sense.
              • Keep shit unnecessarily complicated b1inder and wonder why nothing ever gets solved.
                • wrong. again.
                  this isn't going anywhere. so, lets just get down to cases here. if everyone would just wise up and live their life like you, then everything would be fine. there wouldn't be any overweight people, there wouldn't be abuse, no neglect, there wouldn't be addiction or the aftermath of growing up in an addict household, there wouldn't be having to deal with chronic and terminal illness eh ellem?

                  nope, all of that would just be gone, and everything would be simple and easy and if we had a little tiny
                  • Yeah me and my perfect, unflawed, strifless life.

                    Seriously b1inder get over yourself.

                    Everyone has something. Some have more. Some have less. Everyone has something.

                    You like your world where nothing is your responsibility and nothing can ever be solved? That's your gig.

                    Again. I am not trying to fix your brain. I am trying to fix a physical problem. A completely fixable problem. You want to add 10,000lbs of bullshit to it? That's fine. You'll never fix anything.
                    • You like your world where nothing is your responsibility and nothing can ever be solved? That's your gig.

                      when did i say that? quote it. when did i EVER even hint at that? find me the quote.

                      i'm talking about responsibility. i'm talking about taking *total* responsibility.

                      look, you can think whatever you want. you want to think i'm not solving any of my problems? fine.

                      you want to think i'm scapegoating? fine do that. i don't actually need to validate my own recovery process through you, no, i've got a profes
                    • A little clarification might help.

                      Your method for losing weight is right on. That's exactly how you do it, eating less and exercising more. The question really is how does a person who is handling some situation in their psyche by being overweight keep the weight off that they lose via a method which does not attend to the this situation?
                    • I think it is abundantly clear to anyone reading what I wrote, and not INTO what I wrote, that I'm not solving ever problem. I'm solving A problem. Once that problem is solved it is time to move to the next problem.

                      In the case of the weight loss clearly the way to continue to keep it off is to keep doing what got you there. Something like a sports analogy. If you're winning the game keep playing the exact same way you were. Don't change the way you are playing since you're winning. That's a sure way t
      • Comment removed based on user account deletion
    • If only it were that easy.

      For some people, there are unconscious behaviour patterns that must be identified and dealt with. With my particular weight issues, I must think about food and calories. If I don't consciously think about the food I eat, I eat too much. If I don't consciously think about my exercise levels, I don't get anywhere near enough.

      People in my situation have to discover the reasons why they over-eat, then deal with those issues, before their weight can become manageable.

      I can lose weight a
  • Welcome back, loser. [And I mean that in only the most endearing fashion.]
    • Thank you, it means a lot to me to know you're reading. I actually admire you more than you realize, more than I've revealed to you. You're a bit of a role model for me.
  • People engage in specific behaviors because the behavior meets a need. In many cases, the need is not even a conscious one, or the individual is not conscious of the connection between the behavior and the need. That realization was key for me, in understanding certain things that I was doing. I am much the healthier for it.

    It has also made me much more understanding of others. Particularly when they behave in ways that they clearly do not want, but are unable to help themselves because it is driven by
  • I think you're awesome.

    ^_^

  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
  • ... that leads to another closed door. The trick, I suppose, is in being willing to keep opening them. Your true self has go to be in there somewhere.

    You testify. I'll witness.

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