raelitycheckbounced's Journal: Best joke of all time

A man is walking through belfast when he feels a gun to the back of his neck. A voice says, "are you a protestant or a catholic?". They man replies "neither, I'm a Jew". Then the attacker laughs, "I must be the luckiest palestinian in belfast!"

-Jimoen

middle east

[raelitycheckbounced]

The cold hard facts about the middle east:

In the blue corner we have the zionist faction within israel, that believes that all of palestine and most of iraq was promised to one of thier ancestors x-million generations ago by God. hence they can justify getting that land, because (supposedly)that's God's will

In the red corner (non-moderate) Islam that holds that allah's day of reserection will not come until all the jews have been exterminated from jerusalem (as recorded in the hadith). the suicide bombers believe that they will be gifted a harem of virgins if they murder themselves in the name of allah (not I say murder, not martyr, because they are not dying peacfully for their beliefs).

And in between we have atheists, christians and anyone else who doesn't subscribe to these two moronic factions getting killed/ extorted/ raped/ terrorised.

New joke

[raelitycheckbounced]

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoth bakery, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoth."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."

another

[raelitycheckbounced]

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C -very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000!. What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager."

shackjokes

[raelitycheckbounced]

By: emocore

a woman told her friend that she planned on marrying four men in her lifetime. she said she wanted to marry a doctor, a movie star, a priest, and a funeral director.

her friend, confused, asked her about her reasoning behind this.

the woman replied "its simple. one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

HAW HAW HAW