> Google Maps Lets You Record Your Parking Location, Time Left At the Meter
Mountain View, CA. Although ignored by the general populace, it's a public secret that Google knows everything about your life, including where you parked your car. In a surprising move, Google has decided to let users view their own data. "In general, we have a policy that all your data belong to us", stated Eric Schmid, Executive Chairman of Alphabet, Inc. and after remaining silent at the microphone, finishing his sentence with "and you don't get to see it". He smirks and then explains: "however, in this case it's such a useful feature. I just don't know where I leave any of my cars. They aren't that expensive but our data scientists told me that my cars already occupy 33.85% of all parking spaces in the Greater Los Angeles Area." He adds: "So after using that feature for a couple of years, I suddenly thought, perhaps this is useful to other people. I figured it pretty much offsets all the evil that we've been doing for the last couple of years."
Members of the press start shouting questions and Mr. Schmidt points to one of them. "Andy Ihnathko of the Chicago Sun Times -- mr. Schmidt, when will this project be abandoned?"
Google's chairman narrows his eyes and replies: "How would you like my robot to color your sideburns red with the blood from your assh---" at which point the Alphabet head of PR hastily switches off Mr. Schmidt's microphone and declares the press conference finished.