How To Really Be An Old Geezer
With the aging Baby Boomers there are now more elderly people in America than ever before. It becomes more apparent that a segment of them
do not know how to age gracefully. Traditionally, this way of life was learned from extensive contact with and careful observation of the
previous generation of elders. In today's fast-paced world this is less and less viable. While not intended to be 100% comprehensive, this
document is a quick HOWTO reference to at least help today's old people get started. The following are the most important points, the
time-tested things you really MUST do in order to be an old person in the modern world.
1. Fuck the younger generations as much and as hard as you possibly can. This point is critical and cannot be overemphasized. Most other
points are related to this one. That's how key it really is. There is one great way to do that, better than all other ways combined:
Vote as a single homogeneous bloc. This is politically very powerful. Use that power to run up massive debts that you have absolutely
no intention of paying. That way, future generations can inherit them. You need to do this even though collectively, you are the single
wealthiest demographic group in existence.
Your attacks on Social Security are the best way to arrange this. Most of you have been lucky enough to be able to take personal
responsibility for your life as stipulated by Madison Avenue and in all the right wing news media sources and started saving for your own
retirement from a young age, and in your mind everyone else should have too, right? So what if people come into hard times, suffer from
mental and physical disabilities, and the like! Vote with the right-wing republican/or market-rule "libertarian" types and do everything you
can to undermine Social Security, social programs and mental health services so that nobody else can get any help and have a lifetime
of homelessness and suffering to look forward to. Remember, the only thing government is good for is being a big huge prison camp for
people who are unlucky or not cutthroat enough to get rich. Helping people? No way. Leave that to places like Canada, Denmark or Sweden.
Sure, they are your children and your grandchildren, but so what? Now that they've grown past early childhood they aren't so cute anymore
anyway. That makes it easy to treat them like you hate their guts even if you don't know you hate them. If you faithfully practice the points
outlined in this document, then soon any guilt you might feel over what you've left for them to inherit will melt away and be replaced by
an insatiable sense of entitlement. In the event this should fail, the constant coverage of the current pointless foreign war that the flower
of our youth is going off to fight will serve as an excellent distraction.
2. Run a homeowner's association. As a retiree, it's not like you have to work for a living anymore. You've got some time on your hands. What
better way to use it than to take your neighbors to court over such worthy matters as the difference between white paint and off-white paint? Those
bastards should have read and memorized their 100-page homeowner's covenant before daring to modify their own property. As an added bonus, any
time they spend in court and not at work means even less opportunity to pay off the debts you've left for them to inherit. Any monies they pay
as a result of losing the lawsuits serves the same goal, so it's a two-for-one!
3. Drive very slowly, particularly on one-lane roads where it's difficult or impossible to safely pass you. Every time you do this means one more
chance to make it hard for someone to get to work on time. That way, not only is a significant chunk of their paycheck taken from them to pay for
your retirement and your medical care, but as an added bonus you add insult to this injury by hindering them from getting to work in the first
place so they can make the money that pays for your expenses! That'll teach 'em. Whatever you do, don't ever pull over and allow the ten cars
stuck behind you to pass, especially not when they have a clock to beat and you don't.
4. When you are a customer at a restaurant, grocery store, technical support line, or the like, be as helpless as possible. Your goal is to be
a really high-maintainence customer. Sure, you could demonstrate that with your age has come wisdom, but that wouldn't make you feel important
and special. Instead, ask a lot of stupid questions that you'd already know the answer to if you noticed the most obvious of cues. Ask for a
lot of trivial changes to a product before you will buy it. Demand a lot of extra effort and attention from whoever is trying to serve you.
Transform from "sweet old grandma" to "mega-bitch" in a split-second if such attention is not immediately granted. Do not, under any circumstances,
notice that all the other customers behind you are waiting.
When it's time to pay, write out a check and take your sweet time about it. Even though you knew what store you were going to visit, DO NOT under
any circumstances prepare the check in advance by filling out everything except the dollar amount. It is also very important that if you pay by cash
that you carefully count out every last bit of money yourself, and be sure to have plenty of nickels and pennies. DO NOT ever spend the time to roll
these coins, or even use the machine that is just a few dozen feet away to roll them before you bring them to a bank or supermarket checkout line.
5. This is another important point. Perform all of the above faithfully and consistently. Then whine about how misguided the younger generation
is as though you didn't have anything to do with that. Complain that they don't respect you. Act absolutely astonished that anyone would see you
doing all of the above and would respond with anything other than gratitude, praise, and admiration. That will add an element of mindfuck to the
heretofore material damage covered by the previous points. It's especially effective if you have the compulsive liar's talent of learning how to
sincerely believe this as you say it. You can complain about how "back in my day" the youth were better/more submissive/kinder than today's youth
while conveniently forgetting that the elders of that generation actually tried to give their children a better world than they grew up in. It is
advised that you set your irony detector to "off" while doing this, however.
By faithfully following these steps, you too can be a typical American old geezer.