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Journal munger1101-8's Journal: How to interact with parents when you're an adult 26

Journal by munger1101-8
Deborah Tannen has written widely on how to get along with the people you love. Read this chapter from her most recent book about effective communication between adult family members. Do her recommendations make sense?

Do your parents still treat you like a child even though you are now (technically, at least) an adult? How should parents' behavior to their kids change when they turn 18? Should adult children still defer to their parents? Why or why not?

I'm suggesting that you explore this topic as a potential topic for essay 4. Write at least two comments for this journal entry, and we'll discuss them in class next week as we begin work on essay 4.

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How to interact with parents when you're an adult More

How to interact with parents when you're an adult

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  • I think that Deborah Tannen's recommendations about metacommunication makes sense. I agree with her about the reasons family members seem so critical of one another is because they truly care and love each other and want the best for each other. But I also understand why it feels like everything we do as kids we are getting criticized by our parents for. Since I have been to college, my parents have backed off quite a bit. The reason might be is that they live in Florida and never get to see me, but they ar
    • I agree with you that family members are critical of one another because they love wach other and want the best. However I feel that some parents are too critical of their kids at times making them feel like they arent living up to their parents expectations and being too critical even lovingly can harm a child's mindset of who they are and how their parents feel about them. My parents have always been very critical of me and at times it makes me wonder why i try if its just going to be critiqued.
    • Parents always want the best for their children, even after they grow up. In the parents eyes, giving us and telling us what to do is the only way to protect us. I understand them because I have a baby sister, I raised her with my parents. She is 7 years now, but whenever I look at her I see the little baby!
  • i agree with what she is trying to do, even though it may seem weird to rearrange how you talk to keep from offending another person. In my family I come from a long line of "critiquers." At the moment i and my parents are in a fight so im going to be harsher than i normally would, however, in trying to be good parents and lead me the right way they have also made me feel like a burden, not what they wanted in their only child, and that im disrespectful and rude, which i feel lik ei am far from. Communicati
    • I agree with everything you said. Communication is the key to all relaionships, whether it be friends, family, dating, or teacher and student. I personally like to be critiqued because I don't allow myself to take it personally. I feel being critiqued is more of a benefit than a discouragement because it gives you a chance to correct a problem or change the way you do something. I liked what you said about tone of voice, that is very true. The way people sound when they critique you can sound thoughtful or
    • Communication is very important in every family or no one will understand the others! every parent need to know that, yet every student need to know that it is important to respect their parents. like for example when I get in a fight with my parents, I first think that it's me who was right all the way. But after i sit with myself and rethink of what had happened i find out that I was wrong, rude, and did not respect them!
  • I have never had any of the problems she described; my parents have always treated me as friend, not as a responsibility. We treat each others comments, and talk to each other, differently than most families do. It is a much more casual relationship than what I have seen from most of my friends' families.
    • Even though I find this perfect, happy relationship between parents and kids hard to believe, I think that's the way it should be. I'm not sure what you mean when you say "we talk to eachother differently than most families do," but if this means you work things out calmly rather than fighting, that is the ideal family.
    • It sounds like you have a really great family. My family on the other hand is almost the complete opposite. My family never sits down and talks things out. We just yell at each other until we get tired of it, and basically drop the whole thing. I feel like I don't even talk to my parents anymore, because if I try to have a normal conversation, we just end up fighting. It seems like all they do is criticize me.
  • I too agree with Deborah when she says that family members criticize because they love you. I've have always known why my parents act the way they do and say the things they say. My mother once said that "you may think I'm mean when I tell you stuff about you or won't let you do certain things, but no one else will take the time to tell you because they don't care what happens to you."
    • I agree. Like i said that what parents are here for to be parents they would not be parents if they did not look after us. I know that sometimes it not what you say but how you say it but every phrase that comes out of a humans mouth does not come out the way that they want it to. So we just have to learn to love what they say and do something about it.
    • I totaly agree with you b/c parents are going to be parents.
  • I agree with Deborah and her thoughts on family criticism. Sometimes what may seem like nagging 24/7 really is parents looking out for their children. When I was younger my parents were strict with me. Since my younger brothers and sisters have gotten older, my parents are not as strict with them. I constantly remind them how they were with me, since I still obey what they have taught me in the past. I don't think that they were like that with me to be mean, I have learned a lot from them and continue t
    • I agree with what you said about parents not being as hard on their you ger children. I feel like my younger brother gets away with a lot of things that I wouldn't have gotten away with at his age. I also feel that they take his side more often as well.
    • I agree with what you are saying. I think that parents are just looking out for thier children. I also think that when you grow up that you take after your parents and you treat your children and your parents treated you.
    • I understand where you are coming from. My parents are a lot less strict on my younger brother and I do constantly remind them. But like you said, I don't think they were trying to be mean. And I truely believe that parents are the way they are because they care.
  • I guess I agree with what the author is saying, but at the same time I think all the people in the examples she is using are just too sensitive. Instead of trying to come up with techniques and walking on eggshells when you're talking to someone, that person just needs to learn to get over whatever is making them react that way. As for how kids should be treated when they turn 18... it really doesn't matter how they were treated before going off to college, all that matters is that they have the freedom t
    • Now, I don't exactly understand with what you are saying at the end. Parents should give their opinions, but ultimately the kids do what they want? I think that there should be a certain level of respect for parents. They are not just there to cook and clean for you. I agree with your point on the article, the author makes it seem like we should be super sensitive when we criticize others; parents do that because they care.
  • I understand why Deborah Tannen would write such a book and it would help some kinds of people, but in my family I believe the book would be useles. I get as much respect/responsibility as I give to my parents. My relationship with my parents is still like that of a parent to child, just a bit better. Thats all.
  • I agree with what Tannen is saying about parents and thier children. It does seem like parents are being too strict but they aren't meaning to just criticize you all the time. Parents act the way they do because they love you so much. I do think that parents should back off when thier kids go off to college. I noticed that my parents did when I left for college and I think that that helps the kids realize that they are growing up and are going to be on their own soon.
  • I believe that parents do criticize because they care. I know it makes us mad, especially know that we are in college, but they are only trying to help. I don't think your family means to hurt you by the things they say, maybe your siblings do sometimes, but for the most part I think they are just trying to make us better people. And if you think about the things family members seem to criticize, its something that no one else would tell you. And yeah, they could be nicer about it sometimes, but I think th
    • I would have to agree with you because my family has made me soo made sometimes. Sometimes you think they don't love you because of what they won't let you do and such. But really they do and they think about us all the time and know whats really best for us. Its hard to say sometimes because of what we like to call pride. oh well...
  • I would have to agree with what she said. I go through this all the time. My parents are always criticizing me and use the saying it's because they love me. For a long time i didn't really understand but the older i get i realize they really do love me and show me by helping me to do the right things. No matter what what i did it wasn't the way they do it but we learn from each other and we continue too wether it be cooking or what we wear.
    • I also think that parents should be critical of their children. It helps shape their children and isnt a bad thing at all unless it is used in an abusive way. Being critical of your children will only help set goals for them or help them realize what is right, wrong, or the best way to go about doing a task or function.
  • Parents are by far the most influential people on a childs life when they are growing up to become adults. If parents do not help set them in the right direction in life or to repel negative behavoirs then the child may never be fully compatible with the real world. The only problem with this article is that many parents already do this to a certain degree, and that 95% of familys dont have conversations such as the examples provided. Most people dont talk to their parents with dialogue from a movie like Cl
  • In a way yes I think that my parents still treat me like a child but in other ways I think that I feel like this because I feel that I am tech. grown so they should treat me how I want to be treated but if they did that then I think that they would not be good parents. I feel that parents know their own children and some parents treat thier kids according to how mature they are so i think that is a good way to determine how your child should be treated.

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