milquetoast811's Journal: the wiz

jude law is being interviewed on the actor's studio. they are showing a clip of 'the talented mr. ripley' and instantly i am reminded of my brief stint as the secretary to the advertising director at miramax films in tribeca several years ago. while i dallied about, i watched many b-rolls of scenes from that film i unearthed in the back of a cabinet. it is the closest i've ever come to realizing my secret dream, that of Filmmaker. and now i slip further and further away from formally grasping for that particular rainbow. films no longer hold the magic they did for me when i was little, when i lived across the street from the movie theatre with two screens, and could not wait to see the next big hollywood blockbuster. to delve into what you purely love necessarily corrupts it. you peer behind the curtain and find that the puppets are indeed connected by a string, that something of this earth controls their movements. the magic is dispelled. it's a dream we want to believe in, but dreams float in the clouds, and knowing the details forces them to crash down to earth.

maybe that's why they don't tell us about the grinding routine of adulthood. to disillusion kids so early is cruel. i used to feel cheated that i had to face known adversity without armor, the reality of the mudane. fireworks are few and far between. of course my mother would warn me about stuff, but i never believed her. now i imagine we all have to stumble over the same obstacles, the trajectory of growing up is similar across all ages, across all times. the rites of passage.

i assumed i would be married with kids by now as well, somehow, magically. i never figured it would be such a rigamarole to get to that point. in a way, the whole process works against my modus operandi, that of speedy efficiency. dating is marinating in the company of others, each of us looking into some misty crystal ball trying to emote and evoke the vibes of the person across the table. it's all very new age-y. most of the time, i just don't get it. i think it would be helpful to hand out evaluations on the first encounter and receive them in the mail at the end with comments on what went wrong, or how to improve. we could be making the same mistakes over and over again and not even know it.

a friend mentioned in passing today that you can only open your heart to a few, select people, friends or otherwise. because when they go away, your heart breaks as you miss them, and you can only mend it so many times.

jude law's pate has a life of its own. it's a modernist sculpture, really. i am envious.

Re:There is no try

[milquetoast811]

so you're saying it is 'magic?' i guess when you click with someone, it is easy, but throw in 'attraction' and it all goes to pot, for me, at least.