and discovered dozens of entries from all over the globe probing my box to see if it was an insecure IIS server

Did you file a complaint with eBay? I've had two bad experiences (less than $15 in each case) with sellers in the past and, after trying to work it out with them personally, I ended up filing complaints with eBay in both cases and soon thereafter (within 2-3 weeks) I either recieved the item or was refunded my money by the seller. eBay was very prompt in replying to my e-mails, but you really need to have your ducks in a row (copies of all prior e-mails, scans of physical correspondence, receipts, credit card bills, etc.) to make the dispute resolution go smoothly.

Go ahead and tested. He won't mind. He loves a good challenge.

The Robot was a break dance?

Anyway, I'd nominate Bender. Do they accept cartoons?