Odds are we're about a decade apart or less. You are correct that I am not a parent. Pretty much all my friends are. I've seen the entire spectrum of child rearing techniques. I know what works and what doesn't.
I really guessed you as being late teens. Based on your reply, I'd guess mid-to-late 20's. You don't say how old your friends' kids are. Regardless, you don't know what works and what doesn't. At best, you know what works for your friends' kids. If you try to use those techniques on any future children of yours, without modification, almost guaranteed you will fail. Because every child is an individual. One set of friends doesn't use the exact same techniques as another set. This is, truly, a job you learn by experience. And observing and babysitting are in no way the same as parenting. You aren't having to make the hard decisions for those children and you get to give them up when your friends get back. Think you can learn how to run a train just by watching different engineers? And they let you pull a lever or two every so often. But that is not the same.
If all it takes is one instance of her being secretive for you to go all search and seizure on her you've just proven my point. You don't trust her.
You set up the scenario -- she was being secretive and hiding the screen. I played a parent that trusted the daughter but questioned her hiding the screen. And the result is that she now doesn't trust me. I didn't have reason to not trust her before, but you indicated hiding a phone screen is a sign of secrecy so I investigated and that was the result. Your idea, not mine.
But let's step back from this discussion and focus on the idea of trust. Picture an all-American average family -- mother, father, two kids; let's assume one girl and one boy. Let's look at how trust works in this situation:
- Assuming the parents have done nothing terrible -- neither physically nor mentally abusive, don't abuse drugs, not criminals but each parent has one traffic ticket (so they're not perfect). From birth, those children have had to depend on, and trust, their parents. They grow up loving and trusting their parents. And barring anything abusive they have no reason not to doubt that trust. That's the way kids should grow up.
- Children rely on that trust by pushing boundaries. They trust the parents will push back when they try to violate boundaries. At two or three maybe a child steals a cookie. The cookies get put higher up and out of the child's reach. Around four, maybe five, the kid decides come hell or high water it's going to have a cookie. So it schemes a way to get the cookie. The standard has already been set that cookies are not to be taken without permission but there is a deliberate intent to get a cookie. And it happens. The trust is now broken by the child. The parent now takes precautions and understands the child can't be trusted with cookies. As the child grows up, it redeems itself on this issue but a new situation occurs -- maybe takes a dollar to buy a treat at school. Over time the child redeems itself. The cycle continues.
Now who has broken the trust here? If the family works as it generally should, it's the child. And it's not necessarily malicious (although down the road it could be). But this is what happens. Will there be times when a parent violates the trust of a child? Probably in some way. But due to the nature of the relationship the child is likely to forgive the parent, especially if the parent is apologetic and genuine. The parent made a mistake and the child understands that, because of the parent's history, it's probably a one-time thing so the trust with the parent rebuilds pretty easily. The child is inexperienced in life, learning to make decisions and pushing boundaries. It is the parent's responsibility to set boundaries. Which brings us back to our discussion.
The parent sets the boundaries. There is no knowing for sure how the child will react to a new situation (getting a phone). So the boundary is that the parent must have the code to get into the phone. The parent is typically more experienced (has had a smart phone, has heard of the dangers of predators, understands giving out private information, etc.) and the child's experience is . . . pretty much none. The unknown here is the child, not the parent. So there will be a talk with the child and the rules applied (it doesn't stay in your room; you may only have it from 7:00 AM to 7:00 PM; you may have a Facebook account so long as I'm a friend; you may not have a Twitter account; etc. etc. etc.). And one of the boundaries is that the parent must be able to get into the telephone. THAT is how it works. And as the child shows it can handle the new privilege (and yes, a phone is a privilege), the reins are slowly loosened -- you can keep it in your room but it needs to be turned off at night. Etc.
I sense this is not how your childhood went. Substantially this is how my childhood went. Substantially this is how my children's childhoods are going.
I know plenty about parenting. Reproducing does not magically make you an expert on raising kids.
I never claimed reproducing makes one an expert on kids. There are plenty of rotten parents out there. I've seen them. You know how I became an expert on my kids? I read books. I interacted with my kids. I consulted with my parents. And ultimately I had the experience of raising my kids. I'm no expert on anyone else's kids nor am I arrogant enough to think I know how to raise any others -- not even my future grandchildren, if I'm so lucky. You've not raised kids.
There are four levels of "knowing" (I think that's what it's called):
- You know what you know.
- You know what you don't know.
- You don't know what you know.
- You don't know what you don't know.
Without having been a parent, you are most definitely in the final category.
I could go out all day on my bike anywhere within a 3.5 sq km area without any supervision
Almost guaranteed this was not automatic. You learned to ride your bicycle in the immediate neighborhood. With supervision. Was that your parents "not trusting you?" Or was it a new experience and they wanted to make sure you knew how to be safe? And then when you proved you could ride safely, they opened up the boundaries?
And yet you didn't answer my question on why you'd ever need to access her phone without her knowledge and/or permission.
And now that I've described how trust develops between parent and child, I'll say: any emergency situation in which she is in danger and that device may have pertinent information. If my daughter goes missing and her phone is left behind (I find her bedroom window open in the morning, for example, without her around). If my daughter is found unconscious in her room with her phone in her hand. I notice physical or behavioral changes in my daughter that point to drug abuse. Understand that, potentially, all three of those scenarios may represent violations of trust on the part of my daughter. So my daughter will have initially broken that trust and it's now my job, as a parent, to rescue her from whatever she's gotten herself into. I have not interrogated her phone without her knowledge because she's never given me cause. But I'd do it in a heartbeat if I had to.
In a proper parent-child relationship, the question of trust won't fall on the parent, it'll fall on the child, for the reasons described.
Glad you have a daughter that doesn't mind. Other kids value their privacy and freedom more. Although you did say you've never searched her phone yet. I wonder how she'd react if she found out. Actually, if she's a teenager then I know how she'd react.
I've never searched her phone because she's never given me cause. And your response of saying you know how my daughter would react show your extreme arrogance and why this conversation is way out of your league.