I'm older now..but not much wiser. More talkative but not as smart. Better connected but less secure.

We're all just hobos on the life-train

Roni and I had been talking about the experience of inventing, developing and marketing FileSafe...one aspect of my education had been simplifying the message for easier digestion by prospects and resellers. I still don't think it's simple enough. So this is what I said:

Less is more.

BUT: When you think that less is less, it's not less enough.

No matter how simple the message is, it's not simple enough. ;(

Tabor Law's FE had a HD failure 11/23/09. Not normally a bad thing, but their drive had been reporting SMART failures for a month, and, worse, the HD array had been configured as RAID0 so the single drive failure was a catastrophe. Three of their backups last week were crap due to open files. Apparently TAR ditches if it discovers a problem during backup creation like open files.

Tom and I agreed that the execution of the DR from the customer's perspective was great...it could have even been greater if Travis had delivered the Monday night tape first (rather than the damaged Thursday night tape.) It could have been much worse: the firm was slow that day due to the holiday week, the failure could have occurred in the middle of the day (forcing reentry of information lost from the start of the day.) Offsite backup was apparently good too. But this shouldn't have happened and it shook me badly.

I've already been shaken badly for lack of money. I'm like a prisoner expecting to be beaten again, but I don't know when. Technical problems just add to the suffering. I can't do anything about them since I'm not spending time working on them. All I really know how to do is interact with customers in fairly short term ways. That's not running a business. I've got to stop kidding myself.

Clara's situation is bad too. Her 30s are disolving into a shit stream of anxiety and ceaseless work because her husband is an idiot, slob, lazy, drunk, psychological basket case. I can't help her and want to cry.

I want to cry about more: my brother, my ass-hole sister Kyle, my abuse of Beth Ann, my incompetence in the business and my ignorance in so many areas driven by pride. I've gotten away this long (and hope to continue,) but don't know how. I've got to change.

Driving to Adam's today to have lunch - BA's at Conner Prairie with Clara and the Grandkids.

Thinking about how cute Emilia and Ethan are. Bethann says: They're so F'in cute.

Makes me think, the adult children were (are) that cute. We should send them cards with:

Even though you've gained weight (and gotten a lot taller) you're still cute to us.

And then on the inside, you could have a picture of them when they were small. This wouldn't exactly capture the emotion I feel now, but in a way, it would remind them that the way Bethann and I feel now about Ethan and Emilia - which is overt and obvious and tangible - is the way we felt about them (and feel about them now) when they were small. It might bring back the blanket of love that envelopes smaller children, but which is still there for the big ones too.

Remember: as you wildly attempt to become successful, you may be poking the bear. What if he wakes up?

In a meeting Tuesday 12/20 with the 'new' 21st Century Fund, I'll be asking them:

1. How should I operate SP to NOT screw it up? How can I avoid large mistakes that could attack the viability of the business?

2. Why should I forecast the money I need now? That assumes I can predict the future. Laying out what needs to be done and a priority system would be better - and leave open the possibility that new priorities may arise.

3. What talent had the State assembled to review my applications? Entrepreneurs? Visionaries? Political slackards?

I paid $150 for a ticket received 9/2 travelling to chicago: 74 in a 55 - oops. luckily i was eligible for diversion since my last ticket was received in 2002 - safely prior to the 9/2/2003 date necessary to qualify for the 'gift' they offered to not inform the BMV.

Last night i put the deal with Tom together. Still have to put a letter in the mail, but he wants to start before 10/1.

We now have a team capable of delivery V 1.0 of what i've designed. Together with Travis, this is quite good enough to capture several thousand sales and enough money to call it a success. Whether it will be a paradigm shift, remains to be seen.

Probably also getting an IBJ Innovators Award. No cash, but follows the Mira Award nomination. The local community may start to pay attention. That might prove valuable to raise money when needed. Lemmings following their noses sort of thing.

Notes taken mostly during a conference session at the Illiana Tech SummIT 2005, June 17, 2005 at Indiana State University.

1. Entrepreneurship is like a reacting-gas, dynamic polynomial. I've described it as a chess board, where, after observing the pieces and planning a move the night before, you wake up the next morning and someone has moved all the pieces.

2. Levers: Money, Marketing, Means (Technology) [taken from a conversation I had with Travis Cross]

3. Work cheap for someone, everyone likes a bargain.

4. Anticipate chaos; panic is the enemy of planning.

5. Accept your weaknesses; build a team that compensates. Balance humility and self confidence.

6. Discover what you want.

7. Your plan will be wrong - That's why VCs emphasize management

8. Be honest with yourself, family, customers, invenstors/banks, staff, partners - it's a long term proposition and you'll be much happier if you are.

9. Map your product's life cycle - it has one.

10. Now one cares as much as you, believes in the business as much as you, will work as hard as you, or can project the emotion as you do.

11. Watch what you waste your time on - their paradigm may not be your paradigm: family businesses, exit strategy, etc.

12. Disription is what you are doing - don't be surprised if the competition reacts strongly.

13. Pay attention to accounting: keeping score, and legal issues: there may not be a way to do something tomorrow that you didn't do today.

14. Look out for trucks.

15. Networking is important.

16. Be cheap.

everyone smiles for the camera. that's why those pictures of 20 years ago with a happy family posed for the photographer at olan mills seem so odd now. were we that happy? no. but we smiled for the camera because we were told to.

lately, my marriage has become an exercise in smiling for the camera. why? my wife draws lines with thick black indelible markers defining where i can't go, what we can't do, what she won't do. she complains about her health but does nothing (but make excuses) to find help, seek cures or escape from the misery. sleeping together has become more about dodging each other in our king size bed, avoiding being blamed for keeping her awake, reading and dreaming of making love to another woman than sharing an intimate time together escaping from the rest of the world.

i'm convinced she's hurting somewhere inside and simply using me as the most available focus of displaced blame. when she accuses me of being some kind of sex maniac (the last time we had sex was over two weeks ago - no sex on the horizon - there's an endless parade of reasons why the time isn't right,) it's because she feels un-sexual since her hysterectomy and is unable to blame herself for the inadequacy she feels. it's easier to blame me for wanting sex than to deal with blaming herself for not wanting it.

by far the easiest course for me is to maintain a 'smile for the camera' appearance. that way she doesn't have to confront the situation - or worse - start blaming me for her lack of happiness. i would soon reach a tipping point where our marriage would become untennable - the nuclear option. no, it's much easier to stage a charade of normalcy; make no demands, maintain the status quo. normalcy raises no suspicions of my seeking a normal relationship elsewhere.

maybe someday she'll find out. maybe she suspects or knows now that i'm finding it easier and easier to be unfaithful. maybe that will be a relief for her. so long as no one finds out, we can both smile for the camera. we can maintain the business, the house, our relationship with the kids and the security that we have and sleep in separate bed rooms. we can have coffee in the morning and avoid talking about anything of real importance to our marriage or relationship. (she stopped talking about sex a long time ago; refuses to consider it a subject for discussion; muzzles me during sex.)

if i wasn't so convinced that someday i'd be dead and regret not having a life filled with rapture, not having the experience of great love making, not having the hope that there's fulfillment in the future if not right now, i'd simply keep smiling for the camera. but i can't escape the belief that staying in this dead marriage is preferable to the alternative: confrontation, recrimination, anger, tears and depression (she would actually have to find the source of her pain and deal with it.) i only hope we can remain friends after it's over. we have spent more than 30 years together - over half our lives, three kids, a life together most people would be proud of.

for now, this seems the wisest course. make no obvious corrections; challenge no constraints; be pleasant and smile for the camera.

to adam re WSJ article on Yahoo's role-your-own websites:

we were just talking about threats to a linear mentality in business...this would threaten web designers that focus on very small businesses with brochure-type websites. maybe not now, but someday, websites will be produced by Word or something.

same goes for web hosts. there's no refuge for the semi-clever.

basically, i disagree. i'll try to do so without being disagreeable - really!

politicians many times rule by default. they show up, they get their voice heard. these are not simple issues society decides. they let the people who show up decide. if you don't show up you don't vote. whether we like it or not we live in a political society. we're immersed in it by virtue of the system we created. the alternative include totalitarianism and monarchy. i'd rather have an easy/orderly democracy where you didn't have to show up to make sure your voice was heard. but since that's not possible, i'll live with the hard/messy democracy we have and try to show up as often as i can.

the glen oaks newsletter has printed the voice of the people who showed up. i believe that anybody that invests the effort to go to these meetings deserves the right to get their voice heard. since most of the people in glen oaks don't show up at the meetings, this is the ONLY voice they hear. if it ticks them off, maybe they'll show up. anger is a much better motivator than contentment.

btw, could you please define the meaning of section 1 of article 2 of our by-laws by NOT mentioning STAYING ON TOP OF LOCAL POLITICS?

if you believe there are factual errors in the newsletter PLEASE bring them to my attention. i would LOVE to print something from you. for the may issue i got house ads and babysitter ads from you. no probing articles on the animosity within this neighborhood. WRITE ONE. REPLACE ME! :) (AGAIN! - i know you did your duty as acorn editor for several years and appreciate it. i still use your publisher template!)

re ads for politicians: they are ads. ads cost money. someone sets the price for ads and that's the price. there ought not to be a different price for the type of ad. that logic heads off in a very bad direction. COME TO A BOARD MEETING AND ARGUE WITH ME :)

i LOVE your e-mail. too bad you're only sharing your opinions with people who agree with you. (couldn't see the distro list. congrats if you sent this to EVERYONE. i COULD send it to everyone who has subscribed to the acorn list. i WILL if you ask me to. after all, i'm the editor and i like you :)

i know you're really fired up about this. i'm sorry i played a role in raising your blood pressure. despite it, i hope you have a nice mother's day. that's what's REALLY important.

kim

p.s. may i print your report about the results of the trial of the police officer? what about the e-mail from tom bruns?

At 08:53 PM 5/7/2004, you wrote:

Hi guys,

Im sending this to you guys as friends just to make sure you have a heads up of possible future issues.

In case you didn't already know, Brent and I both decided against joining the homeowner's association and let me tell you why:

This neighborhood was established in the late 70's with a neighborhood association being established in the very early 80's by the homeowner's. As far back as then politics were not allowed into the homeowner's association meetings or newsletters because it was agreed that the homeowner's association was to benefit the neighborhood by making sure property values remained high, covenants were complied with and to help bring neighbors together with social gatherings. It was also in the minutes from sometime in either 2000 or 2001 that it was a unanimous vote to keep the politics out because it was deterring from homeowner's attending the meetings. Basically, if people are interested in the Town of Cumberland Stuff and Elections there is a time and a place for it and it isn't our meetings. The focus of the association's original purpose has been violated and we don't want any part of that. If I have a concern with Cumberland I am fully aware I need to hike it up to Town Hall and voice my concerns. If you notice in the Glen Oaks Directory there is no position listed for Social, Cumberland Rep, or Hancock Rep. These were added positions but DO NOT HAVE TO BE REPRESENTED. I truly believe that Social is a vital position because we need to be bringing these people together instead of constantly bickering over town matters but I sometimes believe that reports on Cumberland and Hancock County totally takes the whole meaning of our Homeowner's Meeting somewhere that we really don't need to go.

Ok, now that you know why we chose not to join; this is the advise that I can give. I believe it was either in 2001 or 2002 that I advised nothing be published about Cumberland or Hancock County by anyone unless the information was researched as being 100% factual. Even though these reports have the name of the specific person giving the report the association could still be liable for printing their information. Considering how so many people are sue happy these days and considering all of the animosity within this neighborhood I am scared that printing incorrect information could turn around and basically bite the association in the butt. If the town were to get ahold of incorrect information they could very well turn the newsletter over to their attorney for further action. Or, if something is printed incorrectly about an individual that person could very much turn around and do the same thing. I bring this point up because so many times I read reports by the Cumberland Rep. that are completely false. It's hard enough to put a good Acorn together, get it printed and passed out to have to worry about going through and proofing someone's work to make sure all facts are correct so on and so fourth.

As far as printing political ads I feel like these people set aside so much money for a campaign and it is their responsibility to print and distribute their own material. So, if the association continues to let politicians utilize our paper it should at least cost more than it does. Not only does this save the candidate money but it dad's time and energy on our part and none of the Association Board member's get paid for any of their jobs.

I've basically rambled on enough but I wanted you both aware I haven't joined and why and I wanted you both to understand my concerns. I am worried about our neighborhood but I am not about to let anyone or anything push me out until I am ready to go. Even though Im not a paid member I will offer any assistance to you guys whenever you need me and I want to thank you for the work that your doing to make our association better.

There are few achievements of mankind that can match writing. This is the ability to hurle, unmolested, ideas and information across millenia. It also allowed, for the first time, the accumulation of knowledge, replacing the former standard of re-learning life's lessons with every new student.

don't drive drunk - i don't at least, at not drunk like they show you in the drivers ed movies. they should have explained that it's not the mechanical problems that get you into trouble (hand eye coordination) it's the hutzpah that gets you into trouble. that confident feeling lets you do things your undosed brain wouldn't - or at least your sober brain would question/be embarrassed about. lack of inhibition is what they called in in the movies. i think my explanation is better.