lingqi's Journal: November 12, 2002 - personal entry (see disclaimer)

November 12, 2002 (3:00pm)

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disclaimer: Today's journal entry provides absolutely no useful information whatsoever. It's here because I want to have a place to put my thoughts, so self-consciousness aside, what's here today will be (i hope) just raw, un-edited thoughts. Well... maybe edited a little. Nontheless, be warned.
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I should (actually, shouldn't - this would read "want to") share a little story.

Five years ago, today*. I got to Chicago less than three monthes ago, Today's mission was to open a bank account.

*note*: Technically I have to correct that statement, five years ago today was not actually today due to time differences. It would more accurately correspond to yesterday (Japan time). *end note*

Chicago gets cold in the winters. Everyone who lived there for just one winter can always come back with millions of storie and advices on Chicago's winters; like how it can start snowing as early as October, and it may still snow as late as April; how they store up mammoth proportions of salt, and how it colors everything within a mile of any road this gloomy tint of yellow; and of course, the wind - how it can peel off your skin, and make the snowflakes feel like razors, blazing across your face.

If I rememberd right, on that particular day, however, it wasn't quite so bad. It was a cold day, though. A very cold wednesday.

It was also raining.

Out of all the weather I have had the luxury to experience, hot+humid and cold+wet are rank on the bottom of my list. This was one of those days.

I might have been better off, had I known things that I know today - like how there are Jackets that are made of GoreTex, and how the red-line would deposit me a mile closer to where I wanted to go, or actually I didn't even have to go to downtown chicago altogether.

I was naive back then. This was a time when the "magnificent mile" was still exciting, and proper waterproofing meant nothing.

So, from the nearest green-line station to my destination (that would be state/lake), I began a one-man march. The rain drizzled softly over my jacket, and seeped through. There was no choice, though, I went on, gripping the three hundred dollars in my pocket, suspecting everyone around me to know that I was holding so much money.

It was cold. my breath condensed into thick fogs before disappearing behind me, dancing, twisting up to the mement they fade into wherever they came from. The fact that my jacket was getting really wet did not help either. The rain was getting heavier.

The time was around afternoon, but not quite rush hour yet. People did not want to walk in the rain, so the road was not as crowded as they might have been - say, on weekend evenings. Everyone looked determined, they hastily hussled toward their destinations, while trying to tuck their head inside the collar as much as possible. It was cold.

I was looking determined, too. That is, until I passed Watertower Place. I have never been this far down Michigan avenue before.It was the first time I ever been here. The only information I had was "Oak Street."

Eventually I found The place. It was a Citibank buried between some botiques and a dilapidated theatre (which, I eventually realized, was actually in okay shape - but compared to everything else on Michigan Ave, it was not up to par). The only reason I picked this branch is because I have walked along Michigan avenue before, and hence it seemed more familiar (though I have never been there before) than if I had to explore another area of chicago. Especially not today, anyhow.

I sat down at a counter, and start answering questions that the teller asked, Name, Address, Social Security Number, political preference, pet's sexual orientation, etc. The usual stuff.

And then she asked "birthdate?" I hesitated for a second, let out (more like, tried to let out) a sarcastic smile "Today, actually."

So, yes. On my 18th birthday, alone I walked in the cold, the rain. To open a bank account.

She took a brief second to respond "Oh reeally... Well happy birthday then."

I couldn't tell if she was amused or trying to hide the word "pathetic" from her face / voice.

Not that it mattered much, anyhow (granted, since I remembered it vividly for five years now, you'd figure that it's engrained in my head?). I needed a bank account, and you can't open one unless you are 18 years old. Maybe they make exceptions for those super-kids that gets a PhD at 14 and whatnot, I don't know.

It took about half an hour. I got an ATM card, deposited the three hundred dollars that is now quite crumpled, and went home. In the rain.

I got to thinking yesterday, that Today (the real today, in 2002) would be history rhyming on a five year cycle. Not as depressing as the last time, but the feeling resonates.

It's the feeling of loneliness, I guess. The irony is that, you are amongst all these people when you feel that way. On the train, at work, walking to the stations. People surrounds you, walking in every which direction imaginable; their footsteps and happily chit-chatting voices drown out your thoughts.

However, it is this exactly time, the moment when you can *feel* the world passing by, that you are truely, in the utmost way, alone. I wondered if it is even more "alone" than if a person was lost in the middle of a desert, or stranded on a lifeboat somewhere in the ocean. So far, I think drifting through the everyday has to be the worst.

I am not complaining about lack of cake (I dislike birthday cakes with a passion), birthday-party (I don't like those either), gifts (please do not send any - I ahave an extrodinarily picky nature), or even free-food at Todai's. All I really want to have is to be amongst friends and family, whom would most likely be making jokes about how unbelievablly old I am getting.

Sigh - it's always the things that you really want that you can not have, eh? (Yes I realize this is a biased statement, and logically unsound - but it conveys the feeling nicely - only that the conveying is probabbly very interrupted by this excessively long parenthesised explanation. heh.)

I was thinking of my apartment today. I was thinking about its condition when I get home - how it is empty, dark, chilly, and without a sign of life. I was thinking that When I am doing my chores of cleaning and such, how the florescent light will cast its usual pale cold rays. I was thinking how there is no sound but the clock quietly ticking away, while the lights buzz quietly.

I was thinking how I would dread returning; how I dread calling it "home"; how I dread today. [insert sad face]

Okay - so that's pretty much it. For those of you that have actually read this far:

1) I am not depressed - but sometimes I like to pretend that I am in a state of tragic disposition. don't worry about it too much. I am really okay! I think I am one of those people who "likes to feel sad." (I first heard the phrase in one episode of "growing pains," too - as a piece of useless information) I think it's the same thing as how ancient greeks believed that watching tragedies purge the body of "bad" emotions.
2) There are benefits to having birthday in Japan - though no free food: JAL allows for you and 3 of your pals to fly to anywhere in Japan for 10,000 yen only! you can take the trip within the month that surrounds your birthday (15days to each side of the said date). I lied about the "no useful info" part. ;^) here is the link, by the way (japanese though) http://www.jal.co.jp/5971/birthday.html
3) However, in all honesty (logistically as well), spending birthdays / major holidays by yourself is not a good idea, and does place some burden on your psyche. If possible, avoid going on a overseas assignment only weeks away from birthday / thanksgiving / christmas / etc. (Unless you drag your family along, but that's different story)

Happy birthday

[molo]

It must be rough moving to a new place and basically starting over.. even down to the language spoken everday.

I moved to California from New Jersey and it was basically starting over for me, except my fiance came with me. If we didn't have each other to rely on though, it would have been a lot harder. I guess I'm trying to say I have a good idea what you're going through, "I feel your pain." </billclinton>.

I was thinking of my apartment today. I was thinking about its condition when I get home - how it is empty, dark, chilly, and without a sign of life.

It will be a short time before you get all your stuff delivered. I'm sure that will be a welcome relief and will certainly make things feel more like home. Remember that home is what you make of it.. its hard living in an empty apartment. When I moved here, we sat on the floor all the time because we didn't have a couch or even a chair. It was frustrating because we didn't have the money to go buy anything useful, but I guess it was part of the experience. It makes me value the couch rather highly now. :)

It's the feeling of loneliness, I guess. The irony is that, you are amongst all these people when you feel that way.

Hey, don't forget you have your friends reading this journal out here. I don't really know you, but I appreciate you taking the time to write about your experiences in Japan. This is of interest to me because my fiance is japanese-american, and cultural insights that help us bridge that cultural gap are hard to come by (well, at least for me). Thats just me though.. you have other friends here reading because they are your friend and are worried about you going so far away. So cheer up, you're not alone.

Happy birthday!
ãSèç"Yæ--¥ ãSãã

omg the lameness filter sucks. How am I supposed to post a sentenance in Japanese with fewer 'junk' characters?

Its supposed to read: "O-tanjyoobi omedetoo gozaimasu!"

-molo

Thanks

[lingqi]

heh... I think i will never, ever complain again about my life, knowing this [slashdot.org] and all.

but anyway. thanks.

And another happy birthday...

[EnlightenmentFan]

Chicago has some very enjoyable stuff in it. The part I know best is down around U of Chicago--Fields Museum, etc., tons of good bookstores.I used to take the bus between U of C and downtown. Don't take the El at night, but I'm sure you've been told that.

It is cold in winter.

But, like any big city, it has tons of wacky, obscure, enjoyable stuff if you look for it. I remember once deciding we should all go get "fondue", a big fad in the 1970s but almost extinct in the 90s. We actually found some tiny dive in a suburb that had great fondue. They had never noticed the 70s ended.

you don't know diddly about cold

[trapvector]

It's queer (strange, not take-it-in-the-bum) that the only thing I really have to be proud of coming from the frozen north, Satan's Land as my boss called it, is that no matter where someone is from, with the possible exceptions of parts of canada and siberia (and of course the poles), it gets colder here than wherever they're from.

So... I feel your frostbitten ears, and the wind-frozen cheeks.

Take heart; your 18th birthday was better than mine. It had recently snowed, and the roads were super-slippery. I was on my way to the bank to open a bank account (ha!) when I lost control of my car around a curve and tore the rear bumper halfway off a shiny new pickup truck. The money I had planned to use for a bank account was instead given to the owner of the truck in hopes he wouldn't tell my insurance company about my little accident.

Happy birthday, a day late. (early?)

hmm...

[lingqi]

wow; I feel your pain man.

If you still need that bank account I can lend you some money for it. If you can't pay it back eventually (like, say, five years later), I won't ask for it or anything. (seriously)

Re:hmm...

[trapvector]

You're very kind, offering to lend a nearly-complete-stranger money. I appreciate your generosity, but don't you need furniture?

np

[lingqi]

No prob.

I wasn't gonna lend a *LOT,* maybe one or two hundred dollars.

side-story:

I had a nigerian friend (yeah, I know - seriously huh - but this was before all the Nigerian fraud mails got all over) who was in need of some money - I lend him 500 bux and still havn't seen it - that was >3 years ago. If I was in the same situation I'd do it again, though.

My other friend lost 3k for him, on the other hand. I feel bad for him because 1) I don't think he was prepared to lose that money (I neven expected to see mine back, I guess), and 2) that was a lot!

but anyways. the offer still stands, if you are interested.

Happy Birthday

[Frodo2002]

Happy Birthday for the 12th. The correct word to describe your disposition is melancholic (I think). Am enjoying your journal entries very much. Keep them coming. :)