Also my grandmother. She bought a lot of government bonds during WW2, so she was also "stealing" from taxpayers.
Was she using money she had funnelled offshore to avoid paying US tax on to purchase those bonds? Probably not, because unlike corporations, the US holds private citizens liable for tax on foreign earnings regardless of whether they repatriate the funds or not.
The salt in the wound here is that Apple is making money from the interest on government bonds, which are issued to cover the shortfall in tax revenue caused by Apple avoiding paying their income tax.
but I've seen it in the media (mainstream and alt-right) as a serious story
Perhaps your notion of mainstream is a little off there. Even Fox News don't seem to have covered this as anything other than a conspiracy theory.
I can only assume you've never seen a plane door. Hint: they don't open outwards like a car door.
After some time of trying to recall how there are always staff on each side of the doorway greeting passengers when I board a plane, and no inward opening door getting in their way, I found that Google disagrees with your statement.
Its the same phenomena that prevents you from opening aeroplane doors mid flight.
"Set doors to armed"? You do realise that the pressure gradient on a plane is reversed from what you get in a sinking car? If you could open the latch, the door would fly open by itself, and if you tried to stop it, you'd be going with it.
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. I found a pile of them over in the corner.