Journal jawtheshark's Journal: The flower girl 3
First let me tell you why she came back to my conscience yesterday. You have to know that end-august begin september there is a big fair in Luxembourg city. It's one of the ten biggest in Europe, so don't deride it, okay? It is one of "the events" you shouldn't miss in Luxembourg. Nobody misses it. About everyone goes at least once, let it be to go on the games or just eat some of the food. Normally I don't go, because honestly... these kinds of public events are not my style. However, sunday evening my mom (who didn't went either) and I said: Oh, WTF, let's go anyway. So we went.
After strolling a bit on the fair, suddenly my cellphone goes of and it is The Flower Girl telling me she saw me. I had no choice to get rid of her, and so I saw her again after 1.5 years of avoiding her. Oh, my heart broke again upon seeing her sweet face. She was even more pretty than I remembered. Actually, I was starting to forget how she looked. I had to *promise* that I'd go out with her, the next time she asked. Yes, she often sent SMSes or asked me on ICQ to go out with her but always I found a excuse not to go. Don't misunderstand me, she doesn't want to date me... she just knows I have the tendency to crawl in my shell and never go out. She want to help, but *she* cannot help me. Not she. Now I had to promise! Now I am so doomed to get into depression again (as if I'm not depressed enough already)
Of course, you still do not understand who she is. Actually, we will have to rewind time to early 2001. Actually earlier, but I cannot pick a date on it. I met her on ICQ and was delighted to find such a kind, intelligent and funny person (I did not even know how she looked like) and that was half of my heart that was conquerred. I actually stopped drinking for her! Completely. Not a single drip for over 4 months. Then the day came and I met her in real life. You have to know that usually, I picture people that I've never seen as below average in order not to be disappointed. It was a rainy day, on a Patricia Kaas concert in the city (on the occasion of the enthronement of our new Grand Duc), and I was impressed by her natural beauty. She seemed to me like a pretty rose covered in morning dew. Yes, I felt that way and we had a nice evening. But I had fallen in love, a thing that I did not want to happen but it happened anyway. She had promised me a way out of isolation in taking me up in her ring of friends, but I had nothing better to do than fall for her.
I did went out a few times with her and her friends and I could not stop thinking of her in the day. Then the unfortunate day came that I actually had enough courage to declare her my love. So I ordered 19 long stemmed red roses for her 19th birthday and sent them over to her. Oh, yes, she was delighted with the present but of course love was not mutual. And she said so... (which is honest and laudable) Since that day, I did not contact her anymore. Oh, yes, we still talked over ICQ and the occasional SMS but I was able not to meet her in person anymore. Yes, I know this is childish, I know. But I knew that seeing her again would be enough to fall under her charm again. And so months went on, and her memory faded back into the realms of virtuality. You know what I mean: people that soley exist by means of electronic communication. An SMS here, an ICQ chat there. People tend to become shadows and pure information. I think you know by know why I call her "The Flower Girl", first because she is pretty as a flower and second because of me sending her flowers.
Life would have been nice... but then fatality came again and I had to meet her again. I knew I wasn't ready. My heart broke a second time, realising that such a near-perfect creature is way beyond what I even could get. And the worst part is the promise, I cannot avoid her again now. I'm a man that stands by his promises.
When I got home after the fair, I had a note lying on my desk that one of my Uncles in Antwerp needed computer assistance and he invited me next weekend. I at once called back, and accepted! Then I sent an SMS to The Flower Girl to tell her that she shouldn't invite me next weekend because I was unable to hold my promise that weekedn. It's one week of delay of my execution. Or she just might forget me in the two weeks that come. Let's just cross my fingers that she forgets me. School goes back on, she just *might*.
Tell her the truth (Score:1)
Anyway, I know (sorta) how it feels. So you should just tell her that you can't deal with the fact she can't return you love, and it hurts you just to see her. Either she understands and avoids seeing you again, or she falls in love with you.
Oh, yes, the thruth.... (Score:1)
She knows this, but she probably thinks that 1.5 years is enough to get over her. I though this too, I was honestly thinking of going out with her again. Was it the surprise? Was is just me, not being ready. I don't know.
What I don't want her to think is that I don't want to be a friend, what I don't want is her to give up on me (as a human being, that is). After all she just wants all the best for me, and what kind of person would I be not to appreciate that? You see, I don't want to lose her for what she is right now, even if it is just limited electronic contact.
It is a very contradictory situation: I cannot stand to see her because I know my own weaknesses, but I cannot afford to lose one of the few friends I have. You don't find these kind of girls often these days, so even if you cannot have them you want to keep them around. It's difficult to explain.
Besides, she has a boyfriend... ;-) Me and love, I wish I had no heart....
I meant to reply awhile ago..... (Score:2)
Anyways, sounds like this chicky had a huge effect on you. Personally I think the two of us have a real bad habit of beating ourselves up over nothing, something I'm trying to fix myself. Basically it came to my attention that most people tend to talk negatively to themselves when they think to themselves, and stopping this negative thinking is about 90% of what you need to do to help yourself with women.
It's all about self respect really. If you don't see yourself as having worth, than noone else will either. And no woman wants to date someone who treats themselves like shit. So you may want to try my method of everytime I start to be negative I tell myself to shut up and think about something else. Anything else. It's better than beating yourself up.
As for the other 10% of the battle with women, subscribe to the newsletter at www.doubleyourdating.com. Before I read this guys newsletter I was in the middle of a 6 year cold streak on getting a date (hell, on getting phone numbers at that). We've emailed a few times, so you know I've improved a bit on that. I can now get a date once every 1-2 months, which has in this last year tripled the amount I have ever dated every single year before this one.
Of course I'm pretty pathetic with women, so it wasn't a hard accomplishment. Having had only dated 2 women in my life, and neither for long than a month, this year it wasn't hard. Well, actually it's over a year at this point. I started with that site around May 2001, and got my first date in July 2001, but close enough.
Of course it's still been very rocky. My last experience has made me crawl so deep in my own shell I think I may never return. The long short of it was I started dating a friend of a friend, then things feel apart horribly, and now I lost said friend in the process.
And not for anything that was within my control really, basically I made-out with this girl, she kissed back and had her arms around me, I figured that must be a positive sign, and later she went to our mutual friend and accused me of basically holding her down and doing that. Nothing of the sort happened, I don't have the balls to force myself on someone like that. I'm not sure what her motivation was, but it's definitely soured me on the idea of dating anyone my friends know.
*sigh*
Anyways, I just want to make another comment before I submit this. Don't ever assume some woman doesn't want to date you. I made that horrible mistake so many times in life that it makes me cringe. The one I'm reminded of was a girl I met during some summer classes at CMU during high school, very nice girl, I liked her a lot. I figured she just wanted me as a friend, I was completely convinced of this. I found out about 2 years later that she really wanted to date me back then, but when I found this out we lived 3 hours apart and she had a bf. So never assume she isn't interested, just fucking ask any woman you like out. It's better to know than to spend the rest of your life wondering. The worst that can happen is she says no, and you aren't any worse off after you ask than you were before. The only negative effect that will happen is dealing with rejection, but you only have to deal with it if you let it bother you.
And to put this into perspective: if you never ask her out, you already lost. Nothing else (forget movie magic) will get you two togethor. So by asking the worst thing that will happen is nothing will change, which was going to happen anyway.