Because I'm a Man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger & ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a Man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a Man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a Man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (FYI guys - cumin is a spice and tofu is soy bean curds, not the same thing..!)

Because I'm a Man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a Man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator).

Because I'm a Man, I don't think we're all <em>that </em>lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could <em>he </em>know where we're going?

Because I'm a Man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, food, fishing, hunting or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so <em>please </em>don't ask.

Because I'm a Man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a Man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't like it.

Because I'm a Man, when I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without the belt --- it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Your butt doesn't look any bigger in those pants than the other pants. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a Man, and as this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

Wired reports that Ghyslain Raza, a/k/a "The Star Wars Kid", has sued the four students for $250,000 for uploading his video to the web, and creating him a sensation of mass proportions, even receiving press from the New York Times. Raza, 15, reportedly shot a video of himself for a school project -- a mock sword fight intended for viewing by a handful of people. The video has such a following that a mulitude of videos have been derived from the original video. The suit claims Raza has suffered "harassment," "ridicule" and "persecution" at school and in the public at large. The suit alleges that the harm was so great, Raza was forced to leave high school and finish his year in the psychiatric wing of a local hospital. An employee of Raza's old school says the pressure on the young man was intolerable. "When 500 people laugh at you every noon when you walk into the cafeteria, it can't be easy," says Rafael Jacob. There's an online petition asking Lucasfilm to give the Star Wars Kid a cameo in the next installment of the film. "... this poor kid is living the nightmare of having his private dorkiness projected across the world to giggling Web users," it reads.

"Federal Magistrate Steven Crocker not only rules that Microsoft should not be sanctioned, but lambastes opposing counsel for bringing the motion. Ironically, most of the disparaged opposing counsel is from Niro, Scavone, Haller & Niro, the very same firm Rockwell Automation, Inc. sued in December for allegedly filing "baseless, sham" patent infringement suits." With a record like that, one might begin to wonder if someone up there doesn't like lawyers.

The Daily Iowan reported today that former UI teaching assistant Frederick Richard "Dick" Williams forced her to watch him mastrubate after telling him that she "would do anything to get a better grade in the class in which she was struggling but was required to pass for her nursing major."

He gave her the option of a "two-minute plan" where she would sit next to a naked Williams and touch his penis or a "five minute plan" where he would sit naked, but further away from her while she watched him touch himself.

"He had his arm around my chair, and he kept asking me if I'd ever seen this before," she said. "He then put my hand on his penis and told me to squeeze," she said, adding that he ejaculated into her hand and a handkerchief. "I told him that was disgusting, and he said, 'I'm sorry' and that he didn't want to take my virginity."

Thomas' defense denies that the alleged event ever happened.

However, anonymous sources have reported that the woman's grade was raised to a 'C Mynuts.'

The Seventh Circuit has affirmed the broad preliminary injunction, which shut down the operation of AIMSter, an online service that facilitates file-sharing, until resolution of the merits of a copyright suit brought by recording industry plaintiffs.

One should note that the Seventh Circuit was unwilling to fully accept all of the record industry's arguments. In particular, the Court rejected their argument for removing the defenses offered under the Sony case for contributory infringers. The Court opined that in so doing, AOL's Instant Messanger might be found to be a contributory infringer. Understandably, the Court was loath to do so.

However, the Court rejected AIMSters argument that actual showing of lost money must be be made by the record industry for them to previal. The essentially places the final nail in AIMSters coffin.

It therefore appears that the Seventh Circuit is attempting to find a "middle ground" between protecting copyright holder's interests, and the public's first admendment rights.

Boyd Graves, an Annapolis graduate, who put himself through law school but has not yet passed the California bar, has filed suit against the United States government to force release of documents under the Freedom of Information Act which will "prove that the U.S. government is behind the AIDS pandemic." Graves is convinced the U.S. government created AIDS in a secret program aimed at killing African-Americans, comparing it to the Nazi extermination of the Jews.

In addition to the conspiracy charges, Graves accuses the government of suppressing a cure that could save millions of lives. The remedy worked for him, he claims. In 1992, he found out that he was HIV-positive. Nineteen months ago, he says, he took a one-time "infusion" and has been symptom-free ever since, without any further medications.

In 1990, a poll conducted in NYC found that 10% of blacks survey believed that AIDS was "deliberately created in a laboratory in order to infect black people: and an additional 19 % said they believed the theory might be true. Graves has prepared a flow chart showing the "creation" of AIDS, but is charging $7 to download it from hiw web site.

A Findlaw survey found that 63% of American adults cannot recall the names of any of the nine justices currently serving on the U.S. Supreme Court, and only 1% could name all nine, with John Paul Stevens being the hardest to remember.

However 84% of all American adults could name all of the castaways on Gilligan's Island.