heliocentric's Journal: Cold Creek Manor: Review

Recently luvsbway insisted I go to a movie with her, and she did some supposed research and claimed that "Cold Creek Manor" sounded like a good flick. I being the kind and gentle person that I am very easily agreed to go see a wonderful movie with her (read: I'm really an SOB and had to be nearly dragged kicking and screaming to said event).

We get our tickets, and after some disagreement between luvsbway's memory and the actual show time we eventually enter the theater and walk past all these different areas showing movies with plots, and potential, and entertainment. But these were not for us.

Now, an aside. Every time I hear the name of the movie I remember in a flash the entire story of "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" by Ambrose Bierce that I remember reading as a lad. Let me assure you that this tale has nothing at all to do with this terrible movie.

We watched the movie in horror at the plot, in horror at the acting, in horror at how stupid these people were. At about the halfway point we just decided to laugh at these people and luvsbway kept "whispering" in my ear that she'd like to help kill these people just because they were so stupid.

I was going to discuss some of the memorably horrible bad plot holes and other such issues, but we've found this online slide show of the movie (found via fark). In a mere 22 slides the author manages to convey every part of the movie with amazing accuracy. I swear the stick figures put as much life into their portrayals as the original cast. Completely amazing. Oh yeah, I guess that thing could be considered a spoiler, but when the movie is already rotten it's hard to spoil anything about it.

One thing that I will add is that this movie has once again cemented Juliette Lewis' ability to play only two types of roles: whores, and retarded people. This time around, she's a whore, and manages quite the convincing portrayal. I wonder how in the world she does it. ;-)

Not gonna do it...

[KshGoddess]

I heard 2 awful terrible bad reviews from 2 different sources, and decided that two reviewers can't agree on 'not having a plot' that well unless (a) the movie sucked total ass, or (b) they're in cahoots.

I'm sorry; you should've asked for your ${LARGE_SUM_OF_WASTED_MONEY} back.

Really I thought it would be good

[luvsbway]

The trailer and subsequent radio ads made this movie sound very thrilling. Something along the lines of The Others or What Lies Beneath. Damn deceptive Hollywood and their misleading tactics. So the alternative was apparently Matchstick Men. Apparently I didn't know Helio was over his Nicolas Cage hate and was willing to see this. Any reviews on this one?

Dennis Quaid

[baldass_newbie]

Isn't he in like everything now?
And seriously, that movie was screaming 'Anaconda' from two seconds into the preview.
The stick figures were funny as hell, though.

Money Back or See Another Movie

[eugene ts wong]

I don't know what it is like in your city & country, but @ some places, if you stop watching before a full half hour, you can speak to the manager & ask to see another movie. As long as you don't look like you're trying to cheat the system, they'll usually oblige. I think the idea is that they understand that it's hard to tell how good it is until you get there, plus movie goers ought to be able to tell within the 1st half hour.