They play hi definition movies, take high def movies, stream live tv, give you real time driving directions beamed with coordinates down from outer fucking space, allow you to talk to people from across the world or in outer space, receive messages in text from anywhere (even outer space) when you are almost anywhere (even space), transcribe the voice messages people leave you into text you can sort of read if they speak clearly, translate spoken words and phrases into and from languages you don't speak, store 32 GB of data on a swappable chip the size of your pinky nail, identify any constellation in the heavens just by pointing the fricking thing at the star up in the sky, identify any song you are currently hearing just by letting your phone listen too... or in other words, nothing.
FFS, you read like a Neo Luddite and you need to stop.
Just. Stop.