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Journal cyranoVR's Journal: Another Shitty Tournament 9

Journal by cyranoVR

Well I fucking punked out again at the tournament. First round barely made it up, second round barely made it up, and then my first (and last) DE match was against the #2 ranked US fencer, so of course he beat the fucking shit out of me.

Well, not exactly. I was hanging with him 4-4 at the end of the first 3 minutes, and then he started scoring touches against the top of my arm. When I'm fencing like shit, I start going low. Real fucking stupid against a guy who's about 4 inches taller than me.

The worst part is that his technique is crap. Half the touches he got were from wildly swinging his point around when I would attack. But because he's so fucking big and strong, he stupidly hits my arm during a wild swing. Some people would say "well, it's not a beauty contest" - well, I reply FUCK YOU. I have spent the better part of my fencing career trying to get good technique goddammit. Fuck him. Fencing "wild" doesn't work for me. If he was six inches shorter everyone would be beating the shit out of him. FUCK HIM.

* * *

Ok, since I got that out of my system, it's time to review why I didn't fence that well today

Prostitution
We are staying at an "Extended Stay America" hotel. There was loud banging, moaning and talking in the room next to ours all last night. Actually the last two nights. It dawned on MrsVR that the reason for the non-stop sex and raucus during the time 8PM - 4AM was because some fucking whore had set up shop in the room. But the time we realized what was really going on, they had checked out. Result: non-very restful sleep for me.

Part of the problem is that I am to chickenshit to go over there and tell them to shut the fuck up, or to call the cops. The front desk closes after 11PM, and they are too chicken and/or homosexual to do anything.

Breathing
I realized that sometimes that when I feel "flat," it is because I am not breathing - that is, I exhale and then don't draw a breath. I guess I am trying to be calm or something but it doesn't work. I end up not having any "fire" that I need to win.

Tactics
In the bouts that I lost (and a few that I won) I was not watching my opponent and trying to establish a "dialog." Instead, I was moving around a lot like and idiot and attacking randomly.

Preparation and observing my opponent's reactions is critical.

I am Insane
I have not been thinking about fencing at all lately. I have been thinking about the fucking Java Exam (fat lot of good that's done for me), my job, my career in general, MrsVR's non-stop baby talk and her bitching about my family, etc. etc.

So here I am at a competition. I have no idea what to do, so i start thinking negative thoughts: why am i doing this, I don't like fencing anymore etc. Then I get pissed at myself for having negative thoughts. Then I get pissed at myself for getting pissed. Then I am pitying myself more, and then I get really angry at myself for pitying myself. I am a fucking baby, I am actually a really good fencer and I have a great life, your life is better than [INSERT IDIOT HERE] why should I have any negative thoughts? You are just a fucking baby. Compared to some third worlder in Cambodia you live like a god, what the FUCK is your problem fucking baby.

Like I said, I'm Crazy.

Instead of all this crap, I *should* be thinking about my next opponent, what my general stategy should be, and so on and so forth. Instead, I'm using all my energy struggling to get my head together. I can't concentrate. During the competition, I realize that I should be focusing on my next bout, but instead I am stuggling to make my thoughts positive.

Inches
I lost 4 matches today by one touch. That indicates that I am very close to sweeping all my bouts and Fucking Dominating if I would just MOTHER FUCKING CHANGE SOMETHING.

I guess if I want to keep fencing I should carry a copy of Toughness Training for Sports around with me and read it during the two weeks up to whatever tournament I'm preparing for.

I'm sick of being a careful, tricky fencer that jumps in and out like a fag. I want to be one of those powerful attackers who fucking pounds his way through to each touch.

I have had to oppotunity for the last 11 years to make myself strong, and instead I fucked around. Fuck it.

Summary
Fucking fuck. I am a headcase.

YOU WANNA FIGHT?!?!?!? LET'S FIGHT!!! I'LL FUCKING KICK YOUR ASS YOU FUCKING PUSSY!!!

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Another Shitty Tournament

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  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
    • Um, if you were fucking insane, you would've taken a bat and bashed their fucking door in. You're not insane, you're a fucking pussy. Big fat motherfucking puss. Asspussy. Jism hole.

      Obviously you're not reading for content, because I said that I was too "chickenshit."

      I think it's possible to be insane in the stupid Rain Man sort of way, not just the raving lunatic way.

      Okay, it's a blatant attempt to get you riled up for your next tournament, and I don't know if it's working, but that's the idea.

      Qui [despair.com]
    • Um, if you were fucking insane, you would've taken a bat and bashed their fucking door in. You're not insane, you're a fucking pussy. Big fat motherfucking puss. Asspussy. Jism hole.

      This is another reason why I'm fucking angry. My "problems" aren't even problems. I am crying like a baby over some little nambsy pambsy tournament. I should just learn to be satisfied with my failiur and underachievement. It's actually success because I am doing better than a bunch of fucktards who I know suck anyway. WHAT
  • Use the Force, Luke.

    Let go of your all anger and hate you must. Leads only to the Dark Side does that path. Embrace the Force and let the Force embrace you and only then will you find peace.

    I sense much frustration in you. Chill out you must or it will become your undoing.

    Alternatively, you could always go the Wookie way, and unleash a big can of whoopass on someone in your next contest.

    • It's really corny, but I totally understand the Dark Side / Light Side thing now.

      It's much easier to give into the anger and hatred. The "path" of love and positive thinking is much more difficult and takes more work.

      Mankind has a natural tendancy towards anger, hate, violence and killing. I'm not the first person to observe this.
  • Sounds like a lot has been building up and it's finally come to a head, and you've had to deal with it all at once. This time of years is especially bad. The guy above who used the Force analogy is quite wise, but the thing is we're all human and being perfect isn't possible. For what it's worth, if you make it to a national competition in any sport, I think you've done magnificently, and in this case you had a bad day. Don't give up! Fencing is cool. So is archery. Have you tried that?
    • I tried archery at summer camp when I was a kid. Ended up slicing my finger open on one of the feathers (when I shot it). Never tried it again.

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