I've stayed far away from the whole Ponzi scheme that is cryptocurrency, so I hear you. However, I wanted to make an illicit purchase last week, and the seller insisted on bitcoin.
So after all these years, I had to figure out how to deal with the practicalities of obtaining, owning, and spending bitcoins after all - preferably with some degree of anonymity.
Getting myself a 'wallet' was the easy part. But buying bitcoins anonymously proved very hard. My impression is that the authorities have been clamping down on all trading platforms. I tried registering with several online platforms, to be confronted with a hard requirement to submit a scan of an official ID - and I found out that these are actually being validated by *humans* (only during the next business day, and mine got refused). I assume that bitcoin exchanges wouldn't implement these costly checks, unless various governments had them pinned with their backs against the wall.
I started Googling for solutions how to buy bitcoin anonymously. To my amazement, the recommended option was to get onto some chat forum and find some bitcoin owner nearby, to conduct a trade in real life. So I was supposed to meet a fellow criminal in some dark alley to buy his bitcoins ?? No thanks.
The 2nd option was even more ridiculous : "Got something of value lying around the house? Why not quickly throw a webshop together, and sell that item for bitcoin !" Yeah, right. The 3rd option down the line was actually the most reasonable : look for a bitcoin ATM.
I was in luck, because according to the Coin ATM Radar website (mentioned in TFA) there was an ATM near where I live. It was even in the same street as my favorite gold bar fence - I believe the guy got indicted for money laundering after I last went there, but I digress. Some guy had posted a Google review for that particular ATM being out-of-order a month ago, with a pic of the stuck BIOS screen and all, but I figured I might as well go scope it out. It was back online alright - but for some reason they had the thing running within a double iron cage, locked, with no instructions about how to get inside.
The outfit running the ATM had dubbed themselves Shitcoin, as in your aptly named subject line. I wonder what commercial insight has driven them to take that official name, but I still wholly concur. They turn out to have yet another ATM running, a mile away. This took me to a seedier part of town, and I had to leave my daytime job as a programmer in time to make it before closing hours of the shady telecom store where the ATM was located. From there on, it was an amazingly smooth experience. I inserted the bank notes that I obviously had gotten out of a regular ATM in another part of town first ; I had to wave the QR code of my 'wallet' in front of the machine ; but at no point did I need to identify myself in any way. The only moment of hesitation was when the GUI presented me with a slider for "blockchain fee". Apparently, the party which initiates the transaction gets to pick how many bitcoins will be spent to make the sale official along all the nodes of the ledger, or whatever. The most expensive option amounted to only 3c, so I put the slider all the way to the right. Only the cameras of the store could yield a clue as to my person, but thank god for face mask mandates round here.
By the time I got home, the bitcoins were already in my 'wallet', so I conducted my deal. The seller acknowledged receipt of my bitcoin the next day, and I received his shipment a week later. I had bought twice the amount of bitcoin I needed, you know, just in case of repeat business. I went to check on my wallet a couple of times since then, and I watched the exchange rate bounce all over the place. It's preposterous.