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Journal blinder's Journal: Progress Through Hurting 17

Journal by blinder

This has been the weekend from hell. i don't even have the energy to write about it, but i need to. i need to get this documented, because its part of my recovery... and that's the whole point of this exercise.

Anyway, something i'm having to come to terms with is that i have learned (and still learning) the real reason tracy had to leave me. I say "had" because there was no other way for her. She is starting to face her truth... at least that is what i believe, and i've known her for a decade and everything she said to me that night she left... and with my eyes opening and becoming aware... its all making sense to me now. Tracy is gay. and the night she left she was trying to come out to me... but couldn't quite do it completely. i am not completely comfortable writing this because i know some people out there reading this will just think i'm rationalizing or projecting my own issues on tracy, to which i say i can honestly look at myself and say this is not the case... i've talked about this with my therapist and several other people whom I trust. I am not going to go into details. Just know that I've been grappling with this for the past 2 weeks now.

And now this thing with Sol. Sheesh... great fucking weekend! Sol and I have become pretty good buddies IRL... and when I talked to her last night... well, its strange. I woke up saturday morning feeling like crap. I woke up with that feeling that something very bad was going to happen. I walked around all day convinced something did or will happen. I was in a fog all day. I went looking for batteries for my cameras, and had to go to several different places... and then I went to Guitar Center just for a diversion... but that was a living hell... i then went to get a Chai latte... and I just had was so completely out of it. When I got home I checked my /. messages and noticed TL's JE... and you know what my first reaction was?

I said this outloud: "I fucking knew it."

I read it really quickly, then immediately called Sol... and we talked for over an hour. I know I was a help to her, but I was having an anxiety attack on the phone. I was getting dizzy, feeling a little sick and my hands were shaking. Ugh... i never used to have anything remotely like that before.

I woke up this morning feeling a little better. I didn't fall asleep till around 2 a.m. and i managed to sleep till 9:30 a.m. I then just lazed around the house all morning. Sol then called around noon. We talked for another 45 minutes or so.

Here's the thing. Prior this past august, I would never let anyone in. Never, not a chance. I treated the world as if it was poison. all i cared about was tracy. i thought that's all i had room for... and because i just didn't see how anyone could possibly reciprocate with someone like me.

but now... everything's changed. everything's so completely different. Mostly different good... but now that i'm letting people in... and i'm allowing myself to care about them, and well when bad stuff happens i'm affected. i'm not saying this is a bad thing. seriously... in fact, as bad as i feel, at least i am feeling *something* i guess what i am saying is that this is pretty new to me.

so anyway... here i am. figuring all this stuff out. doing a pretty good job i think... but i still got lots of work to do. in the meantime... lots of unfun things to process.

This discussion was created by blinder (153117) for no Foes, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

Progress Through Hurting More

Progress Through Hurting

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  • and all that crap. Oh and I will repeat my mantra, maybe it will help: In five years, all these troubles will probably be past, and you will have a whole new heap o' shit to deal with. Sooner or later everyone here is going to get sick of me saying that :-) Seriously though, take care dude.
  • That is amazing. You are really progressing. Most people would just hide from what you just mentioned and pretend it didn't happen. I applaud you for facing life even when it isn't very fun to do so. I would probably be cowering in my bunker of self defence while the DefCon 5 air raid sirens were blaring overhead were I in your shoes. You are strong. Very strong. Accept that.

    WRT Sol: I am happy that you have opened up, however we each have our burdens to bear and they cannot be borne by someone else. The
  • but all I can think of is Slapshot:

    Reggie Dunlop: Suzanne sucks pussy. She's a dyke. I know. I know. A lesbian. A lesbian. A lesbian.
  • The process of working through your own "baggage" is never fun, but is certainly worth the effort.

    but now that i'm letting people in... and i'm allowing myself to care about them, and well when bad stuff happens i'm affected.

    Letting people in to your life can be very rewarding. Sharing the good times, and the joy is something not to be missed. Sharing your pain with others, and listening to others while they work through their pain can be enlightening for both.

    It sounds to me that you are not trying

  • You are really figuring things out. I hope when your in down points that you'll realize how much progress you're making regardless of the anxiety and depressing days. I learned what anxiety was too the past couple years. It sucks dung. Anxiety attacks are awful. Like you're all stirred up to a boiling point of nervousness inside and are trying to keep it together otherwise.

    I learned about opening up too. I just had to keep in mind, which I forgot, is that when you open up, some people aren't comforta

  • yep... (Score:1)

    by N473 ( 183700 ) *
    that shit is deep.

    proud to be included in the number of trusted ppl. anytime, brother, i got your back.

    nathan
  • That explains why she wasn't doing the sex.

    BTW, Slashdot is dissin you. The fortune cookie right this second is:
    Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
  • with my eyes opening and becoming aware... its all making sense to me now. Tracy is gay. and the night she left she was trying to come out to me... but couldn't quite do it completely.

    All I'll say is, be careful. It's all too easy to get a certain idea into your head and then retrofit events to that idea. It all makes so much sense, and there doesn't seem to be any other possible explanation. Until it all falls apart.

    Now I don't know Tracy, and you do. But until you hear the words from her mouth that sh

    • Insert semi-callous joke about how her being gay (or Teh ghey) makes being dumped much easier.

      okay- now that we've gotten that out of the way; I'm with Tet. 100%.

      And lets not forget about the malleable nature of sexuality! Its a continuous spectrum, not a discrete gay/not gay thing.

      That being said; if you ARE actually foisting the blame for Tracy leaving on Tracy instead of yourself, THATS pretty frickin' huge! I realize this may come off as me championing selfishness, but, FUCKIN' A, you need to lear
      • heh, yeah... like i said in the response to Tet, I left out some details, specific to the weekend she left and the things she told me the night she left.

        Wow, I really didn't want this to be a blame/not-blame thing. It just *is*

        there is no one to blame for anything. because you wanna know the fucked thing about this? This is actually the *only* outcome that made any fucking sense! So, how could there be blame? Actually, there is blame. I blame myself for not talking about this... oh I dunno... maybe 6 fuck
    • okay, i knew i would get this kind of response... and that's cool.

      i did leave out specific details out of respect okay? So you are just going to have to trust me. i know that's a tall order and I'm not asking you to change your mind or your perspective :)

      and actually my therapist disagrees completely, she believes that we need to talk about this at some point in the future... when I'm comfortable enough to do so.

      • your therapist disagrees with your assessment (ie. she doesn't think tracy is gay) or she disagrees with tet (ie. you shouldn't bank on it)?

        um, hello. nothing really. but i'm here.
  • My first girlfriend probably went the carpet muncher route. God knows that fucking whore sucked enough dicks trying to find one she liked without success. Oh, wait, I know one she didn't suck...

    I'm impressed that you are able to either keep your anger contained (to us) on the subject of Tracy. Personally, you burn a bridge with me, I'm carpet bombing your side of the fucking river.

    You must be secure in your sexuality; I mean, look at the car you drive! (I keed. I used to own a Miata. My brother used to ow
    • I should probably be supportive instead of joking, but... That just ain't me.

      Innapropriate humor, when life sucks so bad you can't help but laugh (though actually great for any occasion). I think I inherited mine from my dumbass dad, how about you?

    • Personally, you burn a bridge with me, I'm carpet bombing your side of the fucking river.

      I'm the same way. I can just write people off and never think about it again when they've done something I don't agree with. One of my best friends turned into an uber-whore, that was enough to do it. I don't like what you're doing, who you're becoming, we're done. En do story. I don't make a big deal about it, we're just done, and that's it. No fights, no continued fued.
  • You know, we all have our trouble internally and externally. It's not in what they are or how they happen. The character of a person can be seen in how they face adversity. You stand up and battle, my friend.

    Not many months ago I decided not to battle and face my demons. Then I started to read your trials and tribulations, and it was a large part of what changed my mind.

    That is all.
  • Empathy is rare and can seem a curse. Being able to sense when others are in pain - whether physical or emotion - and experience even a shadow of that pain is hard. But that same capacity can make life more beautiful because you can also share joy. I'm glad you and TL could be there for Sol.

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