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Journal blinder's Journal: who i am not 15

Journal by blinder

i just walked back to the hotel, from a very loud dance club, crying most of the way. i don't feel good... i feel awkward. i am hurting tonight

i was shown who i am not tonight. i don't really have the words right now. i can't see straight. must stop this crying... i can't what have i become? i know i'm going feel horrible about this tomorrow.

i am not someone who is ready for this real world... of someone who should be "out there" my lifetime of accumulated wounds are still too fresh i haven't learned enough lessons to even try to pretend to be this person i thought i might be ready to be.

tonight was one HUGe fucking step backwards. i knew that, i stuck out like a sore fucking thumb. a big dumb fat stupid bleeding thumb who right now doesn't stand a fucking chance at a normal life. and that's why i'm crying.

i lost tonight. it was all me, thinking i could do this, maybe even lying to myself there was something there, and now i know there isn't jack fucking shit.

just the fact that i'm in this kind of condition right now just shows that i still have such a long way to go. i am broken. maybe i shouldn't have come here. maybe i made mistake. i feel so isolated and alone. why did i let this happen to me? i was doing so fucking well... and now this. i'm breaking down... i can't seem to get myself under control. i allowed myself to endure torture, of just being out there, being part this world that i am clearly not ready for. i let myself be convinced this would be good for me... but now i just feel pain. pain of rejection, pain of guilt and remorse for being such a downer and a drag. maybe this was a good step to take. maybe i needed to be pushed a little.

i don't know how i'll feel in the morning. but right now i hurt.

This discussion was created by blinder (153117) for no Foes, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

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who i am not

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  • I am going to apologize now in case I somehow come off as insensitive because that it not my intention.

    Anyway, did something actually happen other than you going to a club? Your reaction seems a little extreme for that.

    I'm 25. I was in a sorority in college, did that whole drinking, partying, clubbing, loud music scene for awhile. Then my Junior year came along and I decided I had had enough of it. I don't really think you should say you are "not ready for the real world" just because you weren't feeling
    • no, i did nothing.
      and no the "club scene" was just the setting.

      i wish i could explain in better words, but i'm not prepared to do that.

      and also no, no drinking, no nothing for me... that should be very obvious... i am true till death.

      i knew i shouldn't have written this. i knew it would be too hard to explain. lets just say this... i am in therapy for a reason. i do weekly sessions because i fucking have to... and because my head is not entirely on straight so things tend to affect me rather strongly. th
      • Did you rape somebody? Did you have sex with someone of the same gender? Please answer as I have $10 in pool riding on this.
      • Dude, I don't know really what happened, but you sound very much like I did--funnily enough, especially after going to clubs. I know you said it was just the setting, so maybe I'm missing the point, but clubs, to me, are about a bunch of no-brained conformists looking to get laid listening, usually, to shitty-ass music. I don't like clubs unless I know they're going to play some really kick ass music like Depeche Mode stuff or something I know.

        Anyway that's not the 1/2 of it with clubs. But you did impl
  • I'm guessing something almost happened between you and one of those girls in KC. And you discovered you weren't ready for it, but you thought you might be. I suspect one of them pushed(or invited a push), you realized this, and feel bad about putting yourself in that situation, but I don't really know. I'm not you and you're a bit scant on details.

    Everyone heals and copes in different ways and over different time periods. You're in therapy trying to resolve some of your issues, the latest being Tracy,
    • you are very much insightful.

      You'll be okay, just gonna take some time.

      thanks man.
      • One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.

        The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

        Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the ba
  • I have something to say, and it's nbot written on a brick.

    You have to forgive yourself for being a beginner, honey. That's how it works.

    I don't care how awkward you feel, i don't mind how badly it went. However much of a fuck-up you feel right now, i still like you. I still think you're cool and interesting and worth hanging out with, and i think so regardless of what's going on inside you.

    BECAUSE of what's going on... under that.

    Yes, the real world ios b ig and dark and scary. But let's put this in per
  • thanks for taking the wind out of my violence sails.

    but seriously; did'ja kill'er?
  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
  • just because you did not make it in that part of the real world does not mean you are a fuck up. Hell, I stayed out of clubs just because I did not believe that the people found in them were real. come on, how real can a person be when full of alcohol and trying to hide bits and pieces of themselves to make a Good Impression on other people full of alcohol who are also doing the camouflage act. not to mention the predators found in places where people are under the influene ( but that is another topic
  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
  • maybe good ol blinder needs to hear some actual words of encouragement. So I googled that, not having ever actually tried to help someone without violence. So here goes:

    What you are not is sooooo unimportant.

    I am not a particularly good looking human, yet through druggings and threats I have goregous wife and two sooper kids.

    I am not now nor have I ever been a Jazz Fusion guitarist, but a feww chop chords here and scale run 3 and half tones off key and everyone in Sam Ash thinks I am.

    I am not the grea

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