Journal bethanie's Journal: Trials & Tribulations of a Homeschooling Mom 17
DISCLAIMER: This is really long. I'm sitting here looking at my HUGE screen that is filled with text, and I know that there's at least another one after this. So I'm sorry. It's been a rough day. Kind of a bit of a crisis, and this writing is my therapy. I'm posting it here because it's stuff that I've touched on before, and I think it might give anyone who cares to know a bit of a window into where my anxiety over parenting comes from. Maybe some of y'all might even be able to relate.
But I won't pretend that this is all for the benefit of others. When I write this stuff and stick it away in a file on my computer, I never look at it again. I do look at stuff I've written here. And I want to see this again later. So here it is.
Again, I apologize for the length. ("No, that's what HE said, as if an apology were needed!");-)
So I've got to get back in gear with the homeschooling thing. Public school started here on 5 August (which is ridiculously early, IMO). We will officially start the day after Labor Day.
A few weeks ago, I had set out a *very* ambitious plan that involved about 3-4 hours of intensive studying each day, which is what The Well-Trained Mind establishes as a course of study for the first grade (which is the level Kiddo's ready to start at, upon review of what's expected at public school levels).
Well, I have since realized that 3-4 hours per day is WAY out of our range. After all, Kiddo isn't even 5 yet. She just doesn't have that kind of attention span. And frankly, we've (*I've*) got other stuff that needs to get done that precludes spending that amount of time cracking the books. Now, most of that other stuff involves plenty of "teachable moments," whether it's math skills or reasoning & logic or just plain life skills ("This is how you do laundry."). And I don't feel compelled to "finish" a full grade level within the confines of the academic year. We've got a really huge head start, and it's not like I have some kind of compulsory test at the end of the year or else I won't get my federal funding.
I also hate feeling like I'm "pushing" Kiddo to do her schoolwork. I want it to be fun for her, I want her to be self-driven and motivated by the love for learning and sense of accomplishment she gets from doing "schoolwork." But I'm not willing to sit around and just leave it all up to her, either, or else she won't do anything but watch videos (albeit really good, educational videos) and play outside with the dog. Some parents, I guess, are OK with that -- but I need more structure and at least *some* quantification of what she's learning & how she's progressing.
Kiddo seems to respond well to what my mother always lovingly referred to as "idiot charts" -- where you put a sticker on a chart when you've done something, and when you finish the whole chart, you get a reward. We did that with potty training, and with a couple of other things, and as long as the rewards come pretty frequently, Kiddo does really well. Personally, I *love* them. I always wanted to use that sort of thing when I was a kid, but my mother (obviously) didn't think very highly of them. So much for respecting different learning styles!
So I developed one of our own. She needs to finish 3 Reading Lessons, 2 Math Lessons, and one each of Science and History, and then she gets to pick a reward. I filled a basket with all kinds of fun school & art supplies we picked up when we did our back-to-school shopping. I also printed up some "Reward Certificates" that give her a trip to the park or to the swimming pool or an afternoon with me all to herself, so she has fun "activities" to choose from as well as "things." I'm trying to keep it as well-rounded as possible.
I introduced this whole "program" to her today, and she was really enthused about it. She *loved* the whole reward concept, and seemed really excited about the stuff that she could work towards. She wanted to get started immediately, and chose a history lesson, so we went ahead and got started.
In a warm-up to beginning our study of history at the beginning (a very good place to start), we've been studying prehistory. It's dovetailed nicely with science, as well, since we get to talk about evolution and archaeology and that sort of thing. One thing we keep reading about is how limited the kinds of artifacts from prehistoric peoples are. First of all, nomadic people didn't haul a bunch of crap around with them. Second, they were made of materials that were highly biodegradable, so they have rotted away.
Yesterday, we made pots out of clay that we can bake in the oven. It was mostly an art project, but I wanted to give Kiddo a feel for what it was like to make them and think about the kinds of things she would want to build if she lived in a cave.
Today, it occurred to me that it might be really cool to test for ourselves the durability/biodegradabilty of various materials. History and science again -- what a coincidence! So Kiddo and I collected samples of paper (a sheet of computer paper), cloth (a fragment of a washcloth), metal (coins), wood (a block), cardboard (from a box), and plastic (sandwich baggie).
We were going gangbusters, and Kiddo was all fired up to get outside and bury them behind the house. And then, all of a sudden, she dissolved into a crying, wailing fit.
I had no idea what had gone wrong. I was baffled.
I didn't get angry (which I admit I sometimes do), I didn't get punitive. I stayed gentle and sympathetic, and didn't push too hard. I stayed with her for a while, and then left her alone for a while. I came downstairs and contemplated what must have gone wrong. I thought maybe it was when I picked out her clothes for her. She usually does it herself, and said she wanted to wear a dress, but I told her she should wear shorts to go outside and dig. I was just being practical, but maybe I was too gruff. Maybe I was too domineering in picking out what she would wear, particularly since she's become accustomed to choosing all of her own outfits?
I called her to come out of her room, so I could tell her to feel free to change her clothes if that's what was upsetting her. I heard her launch into a renewed fit of howling and carrying on in her bedroom. She wouldn't come out. So I ended up having to haul the baby BACK upstairs so I could talk to Kiddo in her room. The problem wasn't her clothes. I still don't know what it was. "I just don't want to DO this!!" she kept wailing. And I have to say that this is not an uncommon occurrence, the crying and heart-wrenching sobs. So if you think I'm a perfect parent and keep my kids happy all the time, I can assure you that I fail miserably in that area.
I sat there on her bed, watching her flop around in misery, in the throes of a full-blown tantrum. Squirt was pattering around the bedroom, flinging puzzles pieces everywhere and babbling happily. I wondered where it was that Kiddo went from happy babbling to miserable blubbering. Did I come on too strong? Did I not give her enough transition time? Does she feel like she needs more control? Is she afraid of being punished? Afraid of failing? Is she testing my limits? Is she just being flat-out manipulative?
I wondered how to deal with it. My parents, I don't think, would ever have gotten this far. I would have started crying, been threatened ("Stop or I'll give you somethin' to cry about!"), smacked, and then forced to participate in whatever "fun" activity it was that I had decided I didn't want to do, while my parents sat there and seethed and railed at me for not enjoying myself. Uuuh... thanks, but I think I'd like to try something different.
So what? Be firmer? I've tried that before. Kiddo is a MASTER at resisting all but the most severe punishments. You can't punish her into enjoying herself. So that's out.
How about being gentler? OK -- but not just a give up and go quietly away kind of gentle. Kiddo understands stuff WAY beyond her years, so I decided to lay it out for her and make her own choices. Told her that for a week, I was going to follow her lead with the homeschooling stuff. That she had her "achievement chart" and that I expected we should finish it within one week. If that worked, then we'd continue in that vein. If not, then I was going to add more structure, and that she wasn't going to get to pick and choose when we do activities and which one she was in the mood for. I *really* worked on moderating any punitive or judgmental tone to my voice, and just made the facts as plain as I could.
I sometimes feel really lame explaining this kind of stuff, because I'm not entirely convinced of the answers, myself. When she asks why we have to learn and do homeschooling lessons, I find myself comparing what we do to school, and explaining to her that she wouldn't have any choice if we were in school, so we have to keep making progress at home. I did tell her today, though, that if she was going to flat-out refuse to do her homeschooling work, that I was going to have to send her to school. I definitely don't want to do that -- but if she will NOT do work for me (because how do you FORCE a kid to read to you? Without severely intimidating & abusing them, I mean? Or wheedling, begging, and bribing them? Both scenarios are repulsive to me.) then she will go to school where they will have to deal with her -- and she with them.
So I explained this to her. And then I quit talking. She decided to build a pillow fort on her bed in the corner. Squirt kept playing happily. I sat there, writhing in mental agony, desperate to figure out how to make this work, wracking my brain to come up with some workable solutions so that Kiddo can have her needs met, and I can ensure that she's learning as much as she is capable of.
Finally, I decided to take a break and go downstairs. I got up to take the baby with me, told Kiddo what I was doing, and to my surprise, she followed me. "What are you going to do down here?" I asked her.
"We can do what you said we were going to do," she said simply, as if there were never any bone of contention whatsoever.
I (rather wisely, I think) just shut up and got the rest of our stuff together to go outside. If Hubby has taught me anything, it's how to take "Yes" for an answer, and just leave it at that.
We went outside, buried our objects, came back in, and at Kiddo's behest, got through about two thirds of a reading lesson before she decided she needed a break.
So you could say all's well that ends well, but I would say that this day has been a qualified success, at best. I don't like feeling that this is such a struggle. I don't want to battle with Kiddo every time we do some structured learning. I absolutely REFUSE to do things as my parents would have done them.
I don't expect it to be easy, I don't expect Kiddo to never cry. But I don't want to live with turmoil, doubt, dread, and a forboding sense of failure constantly. I think today helped take me one small step towards having more confidence that I'm doing something kinda right, though. So that's good.
Help if you want / need it (Score:2)
How much time does she get away from you, as in, with other people and kids without you being there? No mommy, no daddy, no squirt. Perhaps she needs a vacation before diving head first into school.
Re:Help if you want / need it (Score:2)
Kiddo gets time to play with other kids pretty much autonomously about once a week (more often when the school year gets rolling). I may be in the same building or even in the same room, but I rarely pay attention to what she's doing or interact with her when she's in a social setting.
Our solution (Score:1)
Seriously, prior to Angie's illness, I was thinking about home schooling, but Angie and Joe's signing is insufficient to the task.
Good luck with it. And, BTW, the vacation thing might be useful.
Re:Our solution (Score:2)
I had her in a preschool program when she was about three. The teacher was so busy keeping the kids from EATING the art supplies Kiddo didn't get any of her attention until it was time for Kiddo to help distribute plates, napkins, and spoons for snacktime. While the teacher kept the kids from climbing on top of the tables.
If I were to put Kiddo in any kind of school situation at this point, even a good private preschool, they wouldn't know what to do with her
Re:Our solution (Score:1)
Re:Our solution (Score:2)
That may be the case, but perhaps not socially or develepmentally speaking. Kids tend to work well to appease their peers. There are plenty of good private magnet schools that may be able to attend to your wishes. I'd do some shopping around as well.
We all know you're WonderMom, but with squirt and kiddo,
Re:Our solution (Score:2)
FWIW, Kiddo is doing great because she has such a wonderful and caring mommy who is trying so very hard to give her all the love, attention and learning she can. I understand what you're saying about 'most' pre-schools not being able to know what she's ready for.. they would really need to test her, and try and figure out what
Wow.... (Score:2)
He did kick her ass though....
As a former homeschooled child... (Score:2)
Re:As a former homeschooled child... (Score:1)
Re:As a former homeschooled child... (Score:2)
Of course, my class was a trial in self-paced learning, so I learned as much of the Home School students did from grades 3 - 5, which also meant I missed a lot of
Re:As a former homeschooled child... (Score:1)
Yeah, The school district we were in made us take the California Acheivement Tests and Other Tests at the end of every School year so they could make sure we were getting all the basics and My mother had to have all the Curriculem we used reviewed by the Superintendant's office, It always amazed me when we went to the Home School Groups just how m
Burying the past (Score:1)
Not everything is connected (Score:2)
(As an offball aside, if
Re:Not everything is connected (Score:2)
Given the rest of the day & evening, I think that control was at the crux of the situation. Perhaps I'm simplifying things a bit, but I suspect it's more of a case of Occam's Razor. The fact that she happily chirped to Hubby over supper, "Daddy, I'm calling the shots with Momma! When I say it's time to do a lesson, then she has to do it -- I'm the one in charge!" kinda spoke volumes.
It's fascinating to hear other people's ideas about this,
Just curious... (Score:1)
I had a single year of homeschooling my first year of highschool. I found a major issue for me was the lack of structure. Also, self motiviation is a huge stumbling block when you are used to the order of school and your parent's do not impose that same order. Another thing that I missed during my homeschooling year was the interaction with the teachers. When simpley reading books at that age, especially text books, you do not get the full feel for the course material.
Hmmm... (Score:2)
And then I feel the big smack on the back of head: Yes. To all.
Parenting is hard.
Teaching is hard. I know, my wife is a teacher.
Parenting, combined with teaching...? Yup. Hard. Hard. Hard. (And I'm not talking about the good hard.)
Personally, I think little ol' SoCal girl like yourself can handle