I'm now blogging at http://adamskinner.blogspot.com/.

My daughter called me up weeping in the phone this morning. Multiple times. She misses me. It's tearing her apart inside - she was hyperventilating. She just kept on saying: "I love you so much, I miss you."

It's really been bothering me. She gave the phone to her mother, and she attributed it to her being a little sick.

I told her it's hard on Audrial, that it's tearing her apart inside.
She said, "Well, these adjustments are hard on everyone involved."
"I'm so glad you're able to make that kind of sacrifice" I retorted.
"What?"
"Nothing."

The really sad and pathetic thing is that I can't take Rosalind back, even if she would want to. I see now that she would eventually leave me yet again, and that is pain in my life and in Audrial's life I can't allow; wasted time and effort. She wants to be wanted. And I don't want someone who treats me like she does, who flips out like she does. There's too much history, too much baggage, and too little forgiveness on her part. I don't even think she understands what forgiveness is, though I've tried to explain it to her multiple times.

It was just really hard hearing my daughter, my flesh and blood, in such grief because of our failed marriage. And it's just beginning.

This afternoon, I went to go see the movie "Hero". It was very "artistically" done - a little overdone at parts, but on the whole I enjoyed what they made. The story was pretty weak (as always with these flicks) but I don't consider it 6 bucks wasted.

After the movie, I decided (on a whim) to go hiking. I had my tevas on, some sweatpants, and a long-sleeved shirt. I hit a local hike. When I pulled up, there were around 10 cars parked at the base off of Rt 66. I got my lighter backpack out of the trunk and hit the trail. I had a really good time. In fact, it was such a beautiful day that when I got to the top of the ridgeline I took off my shirt and laid down on the rock near the ledge. There was a light wind and the sun was nice and warm and it wasn't too hot. The day was clear and not too humid. It was just plain nice.

I got up after that shortly after some people started talking to me, asking what this road was and what's that building. I hiked until the rideline took a dip to decend a bit before coming to the next "mountain", because I was really just up there for a little enjoyable jaunt after busting tail on Saturday. I spent some time in the quiet off the trail, looking at some trees and the clear blue sky, just sitting there.

There's something natural and right about being in the woods on a mountaintop all alone. I can look down on the cars below, watching them lead their busy little lives. Listening to their radios, consumed in their daily duties or troubles or desires. I can see them, imagine them all. Sitting in their houses, driving their cars, working on a holiday. It's an issue of perspective. Because I know this: most of the time, I'm right down there with them. I forget my place in the world, and this big wonderful universe is stripped down to my troubles, my cares, my worries, my duties. I sit in my car, listening to my audio books, and go to work 5 days a week. I get home, I eat, I play or work some more, and I go to bed to get up in the morning to do it all again. My life, spent working to maintain a "lifestyle", my hours drained away, like I'm strip-mining my life. But there's always the mountains, if I only choose to give them my time.

After the hike down, I got in my car and decided I was going to check out the local climbing crag. I drove over near the mall to where I knew the crag was supposed to be situated and lo and behold there were 4 cars parked off to the side of the road. So I pulled in behind them.

The ascent was steep but short. Right when I got to the cliffs (about 40-60 feet tall) there were 3 people climbing, a guy with a full rack and a couple of girls. They weren't very talkative or friendly seeming, so I moved on down the line after watching one of the women climb for a bit and met up with another set of 3. These were friendly, and warmed immediately when they discovered that I used to climb at Rumney all the time. The guy, Fritz, asked me my shoe size and when he found that I could wear one of their shoes asked if I'd like to climb.

I couldn't pass that action up. It was only a 5.5 I guess, but it taxed me in my current condition. I didn't fall, but I don't have the arm strength I used to have. Most of my groin flexability is still intact, so I was able to make some smooth moves.

I offered to belay and I belayed a couple of times for the Fritz. Since it was getting dark, he went to go take down the top-rope and I taught his female protege how to butterfly coil the rope. I'm still not sure if I did it backwards or not (not that it really matters) - I think I did it right.

Anyway, I left my name, phone number, and email address for them, so hopefully I'll be able to hook up for some climbing on the weekends. I've been considering getting a new pair of climbing shoes (some cheapos) and another harness (cheapos) since I can't seem to find my own. I'm almost certainly going to get a monthly subscription at Prime Climb in Wallingford, so . . .

Anyway, my hand strength is about nil. I didn't blow out my fingers or my arms, but I just didn't have the sack there. I was able to walk the climb simply because I knew what I was doing. Fritz said that it didn't look like I had been out of practice for the long years I'd told him about.

This was my first time climbing really since college. I did a little bit in the military but not really. I left college in 1995, so that's like 9 years. I said 4 years to be safe, but I certainly haven't climbed since we had Audrial. Give me a couple months, 3 or 4 days a week at the gym, and I'll be climbing 5.10 again. Or at least 5.9 =p. I thought I would be able to climb 5.9 right away, but I can see that I'm going to need to improve my hand strength and endurance before I do that.

Anyway, I'm pretty jazzed about climbing today. I had a good time and I'm looking forward to doing it again soon. Today was a perfect day for it too. Unfortunately, I won't be able to climb during the week after work outside because it gets dark too early. I considered leaving work early to climb, but that'd mean getting out at least an hour and a half before 5, and honestly I can pay for a months subscription at Prime Climb with the money I'd lose doing that. It just doesn't make sense. Next year =) I'll hit it while there's still light to see by.

Well, I had a pretty productive weekend. On Saturday I went hiking with my friend Brad. The hike was one I usually do, but we went further in than I usually do. At the "end" of our hike, we were at the top of a local ski mountain. We hiked about 4 miles or so, a good 2.5 - 3 hours. We were both beat at the end of it.

Also on Saturday I got Windows installed on the C: on my machine, so now I'm able to be active in Battlefield 1942 again.

Sunday I spent chilling out and cleaning house. Today is much more of the same. I'm making good progress on cleaning the house. I've been boxing up my wife and daughters belongings. Actually, I've been putting them mainly in garbage bags (much more convenient than boxes) and labeling the contents on the exterior. There's still a lot to do, but I've covered all of the clothing in the bedrooms and the stuff from the kitchen.

My daughter really misses me. This isn't going to be easy on her. I'll have to pick up a webcam sometime soon so we can talk.

I also shaved my beard on Saturday. I'll probably keep it that way for a couple weeks, I imagine.

I still can't find my climbing equipment!! I guess that'll come as I continue to clean the basement.

I had completely forgotten about Frank's party last night. Right after work though, maybe 6 guys from work went over to his new place and had a barbecue. It was a good time, and I had (again) a little too much to drink.

Since I didn't have anyone to go home to, when I got tired on the road, I just pulled into a "Park and Ride" and took a nap for an hour. This definitely helped out. I was pretty tired. When I got home (at like 10:30) I just hit the sack.

I did note that on my answering machine, Lord's Solider had left a message. He's the leader of our online gaming clan, and has most likely heard (somehow) that my wife and I are getting divorced. He left his number, so I should give him a call tonight. We'll see if I remember =p

On Saturday, I mowed my lawn in the hot and humid weather, and cleaned house. On Sunday, I went hiking in the morning by myself (unfortunately I didn't hook up with Jen, though she and her sister did get out for a hike later in the day) and then at 12:30 headed down to Stamford to meet up with Brad & Srini. We hung out for a while and around 5 went on on the water between Stamford and Long Island for some fishing with a friend of Brad's. We didn't catch any fish, but we had a good time.

After that, we got some Chinese and watched a movie (Joe Dirt) at Brad's place, and then I headed home.

Today after work we went out for drinks at a place on the river (or water . . . you can see Long Island from there) called "The Crab Shell". I was already a couple of drinks in when the waitress asked if we wanted shots. She had caught wind that it was Brad's birthday (30th) and we all ascended to the idea. She brought us out some lemony liqueor that tasted like Goldshlager. I had a beer and a half after that before I realised that my face was going numb =p

Fortunately for me, I had an hour and a half drive ahead of me to drive it off =p Needless to say, I stuck around a little longer than I would have normally.

I did have a good time though. Mike clearly knows that it's Jen who has been on my mind. I was facing him and we were conversing when he said something like: "And speaking of 'desires'..." while looking behind me. Of course, I was well into the sauce by then and didn't get his jist at the time.

Then I saw Jen, standing with a friend of Mike's, a common aquaintance of theirs. Jen moved to speak to some of the ladies who were clustered near the railing overlooking the docks. Before I knew it, she was near me, speaking with the cluster of people I'd chosen to loiter with. We spoke for a while, and she asked if I was going hiking over the weekend (a common interest we share). I wasn't sure, and she said she had tenative plans with her sister to go hiking, but she didn't know where. For some reason I mentioned Castle Craig here in Meriden, and let her know that I'd be available to join her this weekend should she choose it. She wasn't sure if her sister would want to come, especially on a morning hike so far away, but she would let me know.

Before to long she was leaving, and asked after me thoughtfully, as I had mentioned that I'd had too much to drink already. I assured her I would be fine, as I knew I could wait it out for a little while longer. But then I realised that I was really only sticking around at that point because she was there. If she wasn't, I would have left with Wendy earlier. Jen was long in leaving though, and a couple minutes later I touched her shoulder and asked her if she might give me a ride back to work. I knew she was going back there anyway, as she's got work piling up and needs to deal with deadlines near the end of the month. She declined, however, citing that she didn't have an extra helmet for the bicycle. I didn't care, of course; I just wanted to ride with her so I could have my arms around her for a short time. Plus, it would be fun to be on a motorcycle. When Mike started up, I toyed with the idea of getting a motorcycle myself. I think I'm more of a dirtbike kind of guy though. Not that I think I can afford one anyway.

Eventually, I got home in one piece.

I have been having trouble driving though. Well, not necessarily driving, but *while* driving. Normally, my mind is focused on the book I happen to be listening to. Lately, I find my thoughts . . . wandering. It really has been quite frusterating - I keep on losing track of my book!

I'm not sure exactly why the book I'm reading doesn't seem up to snuff. It could either be my increasingly wandering mind or a lack of quality in the book/reader itself.

Yesterday I was unable to reach my wife via cell phone or the phone at our home. She should have been there, but I couldn't contact her. I don't know what I was expecting; I guess I really wasn't expecting anything.

Still, I couldn't take the chance that she would have stayed home to say good-bye to me, so I left work on time and didn't make plans with anyone, as I may have been wont to do.

I arrived home to find our van in the driveway with the rear door open and the back filled. I was glad. I went inside to find my wife and her new boyfriend in the house, packing things up. I asked where Audrial was, and Rosalind told me she was in the van.

So I went out there, and sure enough - there she was. Sitting in the seat, belted in, with little tired tears on her face. She had fallen asleep, and she had a swimsuit on. They'd clearly gone to Six Flags today, and that must have been why I couldn't reach them. So I unbuckled her and picked her up, and held her. She told me she'd been swimming at Six Flags, and we went inside.

We put two of the kittens in a cat carrier and brought them into the van. We packed up a few more things: dog food and feeder, Audrial's bike, the x-box. I gave my wife my key to the van and she gave me her key to the car. I gave my daughter a kiss and told her I loved her, and closed the door.

My wife, oddly enough (but so very much like her), was clearly choked up. I stayed in the driveway as they pulled out, and waved when my daughter could see me. As they pulled off, I went inside the house.

Later in the night, I showed this site to a friend of mine online. We spoke at length, and at 9:30 I went to bed. I prayed for Rosalind and Audrial, and fell asleep.

Yesterday my wife came home from Ohio to get some of her stufff rom the house. Computer for her and my daughter, a box air conditioner, some other odds and ends, clothing. I knew that she was coming home, but I didn't know she was bringing her new boyfriend with her.

We got along civilly. He looks like a decent guy. They went out to dinner and a movie and I was home with Audrial. We ate leftovers and I read a few stories to her. We watched some TV and went outside to lay under a blanket and look at the moon and stars and play.

I tried to talk turkey with her. To let her know that "Mommy and Daddy won't be living together anymore". That Mommy is leaving home and she's going with her. She cried and said she wanted to be with me. And I told her that if she wanted to be with me Mommy would still be gone, and that we had decided she was going to be with Mommy.

My wife decided she wanted to use our bed last night. So I was stuck sleeping in Audrial's bed with her. I had figured my wife would stay up all night like she always does and come to bed when I have awakened, as has become her custom. Apparently customs change.

I told my daughter, while we were going to sleep, that I had taken Nickelodeon and Cartoon Planet off of the TV here. She went into hysterics then; I think it really hit home that she was leaving her daddy behind and wouldn't be living with me then. She sobbed into my chest, a confused and hurt little girl whose world is being torn in two.

As I left for work this morning, I stood over the sleeping form of my daughter. I covered her with her blanket (which I'm sure she'll kick off before too long) and held her close as she slept. Tears streamed down my face and my mouth contorted into that gruesome mask a face takes on when real emotional pain is happening. "I'm sorry" I wept, and gave her my blessing (as that might be) and drove into work.

What more is there for me?

So I'm torn; ambivalent daily - I don't know what's right, or "what I want", if one can apply a consistancy to that. I simply want so many things.

I want my family together in one piece.
I want this freedom I'm sniffing, getting my toes wet in.
I want my daughter by my side, to teach and rear.
I want to be alone.
I want companionship.
I want to love, and be loved in return.
I want a clean slate!
I want to know that everything will turn out OK.

Well, I told the first in a long line of people about my divorce with my wife. I figured I would keep quiet, give her time to come to her senses so the embarassment of the whole thing wouldn't be an issue. But I know now that this is going to happen.

I realise now that while I may not exactly want it to happen, I can look on it favorably. And I realise that if it doesn't happen now, if by some chance she wants to come back to me and resume our old life, that eventually she will grow discontented with me and abandon me again. I'd rather have as much of a clean break as I can now, and move on with my life.

So my telling someone about this is a big first step for me. Actually, the first step was taking off my ring. When this is all over with, I envision myself throwing it into a lake or off a cliff.

And now for the things I will miss about my life as it stands:

* Seeing my daughter when I get home. Being a positive impact on her life.
* Going hiking with the dog
* Taking Audrial bike riding
* Going on road trips and reading to Rosalind
* Being part of a family unit
* Laughing about the funny cartoons with Audrial

I'm grasping at straws here, but I can't think of many things that I'm going to miss about my wife. I'm sure they'll come to me after she's gone. "You never know what you had until it's gone" and all that.

Plus, I've always had some security that my wife would be able to get a job if I ever fell unemployed. I'm trusting in God now. I've got no safety net.

I realise now that I'm going to need to reinvent myself. I've been with Rosalind for nearly 8 years - close to a third of my life. Crazy, eh? Anyway, I've changed quite a bit during that time period, and not all of it for the better.

I feel like I need to get back in touch with what I want - understand my desires, and how I want to live my life. I won't have someone else controlling me, and I won't feel like if I go and enjoy the things I have always enjoyed that I'm somehow missing out because she's not there with me. Hiking, climbing, cross-country skiing.

What I do need to focus on is this house. Amazingly, after 2 years of her being unemployed, it's still a freaking mess.

Anyway, I really need to get back in touch with how *I* want to live. There's got to be some good things in this, eh? Let's list them out:
* I can eat onions without her bitching at me
* I can have onions at home.
* I no longer need to watch every freaking thing for onions.
* I don't have anyone to answer to about when I get home. I can make my own schedule.
* I don't have to cook for her anymore. I'd get home, she'd have nothing prepared for dinner, and she'd get hungry and make me cook.
* I can sleep through the night!!
    - No more having her wake me up in the middle of the night by turning on the TV!
    - No more listening to her raucous laughter while I'm trying to sleep, or the thump thump of her music downstairs.
    - No more earplugs just to get some peace and quiet.
* If my house is messy, it will be because I made it so. No more cleaning up after Audrial or Rosalind.
* The dog is history. No more piss and crap inside the house. No more letting her out and have the neighbors call the police, animal control, or come and get in my face.
* No more cleaning up trash in the middle of the lawn because she wanted to "clean" her van out and threw it there.
* No more dealing with her computer problems!! She may call me about it, and I might help her, but she'll need to learn to deal with that crap on her own.
* No more ridiculous spending habits, constant "eating out", or making purchases just because she wants something. I've lived so long denying myself my own material wants, just so we could stay afloat, because she couldn't control herself.
* No more obnoxious telephone bills
* No more broken windows, glasses, damage to walls due to her flying into a violent rage.
* No more wasted weekends going to a mall, the movies, driving here or there. I can do what I want to do.
* No more expecting her to "take care" of things which she is expecting me to "take care" of.
* No more threats of divorce!
* No more getting blamed for stuff all the time!
* No more getting called names, or being sworn at all the time.
* No more coming home to find stupid pets. I have had:
    - 2 Guinea piga, both dead now.
    - 3 or 4 birds. All died shortly after purchase except the last, and that one was a PITA.
    - Multiple fish. We still have one, it's been pretty tenacious at holding on to life.
    - Cats: I have 2 adult and 3 kittens (1 or 2 kittens will be given away, and the other cats will go with her)
    - Dog: We have had 2 dogs. Heather and one stupid PITA dog, what a horror that was.

See? This whole divorce thing isn't all that bad. When I list all that out, it seems to me like I've had it kind of rough these past years. Maybe I'll start to be happy, start to be myself again.

Well, I don't think I'll ever be seeing too much of my wife again. I can't say that brings a tear to my eye; I'm beginning to realise more and more how oppressive she was on me. I've been beat down and repressed, seeking to please her . . . or at the very least, dissuade her wrath.

I did almost break down and cry yesterday when speaking to my daughter on the phone. I don't remember why. I'm going to miss her. I feel like I've failed her. I know that if her mother finds someone who is good for her, she will be ok. Of course, her family history doesn't quite lend itself to that.

Her mother: Divorced multiple times. Total psycho.
Her elder sister: Whore, plain and simple. Divorced her husband, has 2 kids.
Her younger sister: Stuck with a poor, neurotic freak for a husband. He's cheating on her. She has a kid as well.
My wife: Divorcing me, has one child.

It's the kids who always lose in this kind of situation. I'm going to do my best to make things the best I can for my daughter.

I look back with regret. Somehow, it seems like I could have done better in my relationship to my wife. I could have prayed more. I could have worked on it more. I didn't give 100%.

And then there's that little voice that points out that I need time for me. I need to concern myself with me.I have my well-being and sanity to maintain as well.

That doesn't change the fact that I failed in the task set before me.

Too many failures, too much burden and baggage. For her at least. And perhaps for me.

There's got to be a reason I can't love her the way she wants to be loved. I'm not saying, by the way, that I can't get it up =p I guess I've just been hurt too much, jaded by being treated like a punching bag, being treated poorly on a daily basis, and made to conform to her idea of a husband. Someone who will get up and get her a drink when she asks for it. Multiple times a day.

To me, that's just being lazy and using another person. If you need help, sure, go ahead and ask for someone to help you out. But if you can do it yourself, please do. And that's what isn't happening with her. Among other things.

Well, my wife just called me from Ohio. She wanted to 'talk'. She said she wants to move to Ohio, to get out of Connecticut because it's too expensive there and she can't find jobs in the state.

And she wants to take our daughter with her. And leave me with the house (which I need to refinance).

I was expecting her to stay in connecticut, so that Audrial would be able to spend time with both of us. But for now, I think this is OK.

However, that doesn't really tie in with the subject of "Charity". You see, in scripture, we are commanded to "agape" other people, or to "love" them . . . also rendered as "charity".

This charity isn't giving money to poor people; it's believing the best about a person. When my wife went to Ohio to go visit her mother and meet up with this guy who she's been speaking with at in the wee hours of the night while I'm trying to sleep, I asked her if she was going to screw around with him. And she said she wasn't going to.

So while I'm talking with her, she says that "Doug" is willing to move to Connecticut, but she thinks she'll move to Ohio. I said: "Why would Doug move to Connecticut?" and she said: "Clue in Adam."

You see, I had honestly treated her with charity, and I was betrayed. But it's not the first time.

Sin like that is going to destroy her life. Her mother went from husband to husband, leaving a trail of broken lives in her wake. And my wife is following suit.

What will happen when "Doug" stops loving her the way she wants to be loved? And now she's got 2 more kids, and she's feeling trapped in the flatlands? I guess I just have to wash my hands of some things.

Still . . . it hurts to have this happen. I was expecting more from her - better.