My journal has been moved to

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Goddamn pills. As my medication failed, I was put on "extras", which resulted in the wakefullness of Erin to quite an extent... eight @##$%^& days to be precise. By the fourth day I had quit the new-fangled medications by myself, but sleeplessness lingered. The interesting thing about being awake for over four days happens to be the prevalence of hallucinations; quite pretty ones appear, and they are often interactive. The withdrawal symptoms coincided with my final four days of sleepless

Well, I think the medication is finally starting to fail. I confided in a new person as to how I feel... and he has been wonderfully helpful. However, I am still afraid that someone will find it in "my best interest" to get me hauled away in a straitjacket and I'll end up losing my job and missing classes. That would indeed suck. Alas.

Well.. here it is. I'm actually ready to finally admit that I have anorexia. I am constantly paranoid about my weight, and if around a scale will measure myself five to ten times per day. I feel guilty if I eat more than a bowl of cereal and I find myself constantly covering up my stomach area because of the way that I think I look. My love has the same problem, but it stems from a different root. I have always been very thin, but over the last half year I have gained a small amount of weight

Well so much with that "sleeping too well" B.S. I haven't slept in days, and I'm exhausted. Luckily enough, the weekend is here.

I've been extremely stressed for some reason lately. The only way I can truly tell that I'm stressed out is that I get those damn canker sores, and they are appearing. Also, I've been feeling fairly sick to my stomach... just need sleepy sleep.

Everything seems to be coming together. My new friendship is becoming wonderfully trusting, my relationship with Matt as not only a lover but also as a best friend is strenthening, and I am sleeping well. Unfortunately, I might be sleeping TOO well... I am constantly falling off into la-la land the moment I can find free time. The second I hit the bed, couch, or floor, be it nighttime or day, I conk out. This has resulted in not only me sleeping prodigious hours, but also I am not able to con

Well, my birthday has come and gone. It was absolutely wonderful... Matthew worked so hard to make the day absolutely perfect. We went out to dinner, and he looked so happy to be dressed up and going out that it didn't feel one bit like he was martyring himself! The evening was fantastic, as only an evening with Matthew possibly can be, and that evening we had a disagreement which seemed to be bad at the time but in retrospect has really helped us to clear some things up and it has made our

I finally had the dream where I killed myself. I have always been the one being killed against my will, but the image from the dream of me intending and then plunging down from the high balcony towards the cement ground, rotating so that I land on my shoulders and neck to break it, and then not remembering what happened next. I remember falling through the air and feeling no regret, but merely intention. Alas. What could this signify? I am sure it is something significant.

Tonight I doubted my new friend. I realize that to many, having someone confide in them gives them a sense of importance that compels them to continue to listen, and thusly they appear martyristically selfless, while at the same time basking in the care that they feel radiating from the source of the pain: the confidant. I do know that he feels special due to my confiding in him about a bit of my past... however, my doubt has passed and I have realized that he is actually genuinely interested

Today, in frustration, apparently I yelled at Matt. I honestly didn't think I had at the time, but his reaction to it was so large that I have to believe that I did. I worry about it because although it was due to me missing my medication today and yesterday... it's still scary to see the one you love sad because of how you reacted. I know I'd do anything to make him happy... and it's sad to know that the only thing that I really can do is keep up with my damn pills. That'll fix it... but it'

I hope that he stays as he is... I still have fears quite often. By the time I have gotten this close to anyone in a relationship, or anywhere NEAR this close, the other has become abusive and such. Matt seems far too nice to be real. Yet, I feel completely comfortable around him... how can I trust anyone nowadays?

Another one became interested. He took in some of what I am, and understood it. I feel quite happy about it, as it is quite rare that someone is not only interested but also pursues conversation. I felt special. Awwww....

Lately I've been having the longest run of bad dreams that I can remember. I have not gone a night without waking in tears in over a month now. Yet, when I wake, I find immediate consolance in the arms of Matthew. I fear sleep, but still it comes fairly easily. The dreams aren't mere nightmares.. they are disturbing. They explore all of my fears and desires in a horrificly panicked way. I wonder what provoked all of this to begin? I have dreamed that I shot my mother and was in panic trying n

I never honestly thought that this could happen to me. He took me out shopping for dresses, and is taking me to dance lessons, chocolate factories, and into his arms at night. He is being so perfect, and I honestly can't wait to spend more of my life with him.

I have been off of my medication now for nearly two weeks. The withdrawal has been a nagging angst, and nothing more, due to the unconditional support of Matt. Thank god for his presence...