There are products available that make all of your gripes about the iPhone go away. See MaaS 360 MDM. Not only can you push software to devices, you can perform remote wipes (even selective remote wipes) and update policies. I'm sad to say it, but most of the "BES is the only option" arguments that I see from people are purely human change resistance at its finest. Better devices exist - why not use them?

Not if you put it up on a pedal stool...

You can't just edit the .ini file...what if someone does beat your "realistic" time? You _must_ make the file read only to protect your status for future generations to marvel over.