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Journal SolemnDragon's Journal: Virgo: Extreme violence is your birthright 24

Journal by SolemnDragon

First, ten ways to turn down a date.

Don't be silly, people don't ask me on dates. So i can say whatever i want.

Three of these aren't mine... and Ellem, i stole your chloroform joke. I also stole your chloroform; the body in the garage is mine, please use the ones in the basement instead.

1. I can't go out, i'm sensing a disturbance in the force.

2. I'd love to go out with you, but i'm building a pig from a kit.

3. See that man over there? If i'm not still in this bar at midnight, he's setting the wombats loose.

4. The dark father says that if i sleep with you, i have to eat your liver. Are you a heavy drinker?

5. My mother has to come along. You have to carry the foot locker.

6. Well, i'll be damned! Looks like i'll have someone to bring to the ascension, after all!

7. *dabs handkerchief with chloroform* Here, smell this.

8. Hello, i'm bobbin threadbare. Are you my mother?

9. My camel doesn't like you.

10. Can't talk, levelling up.

And now: your horoscope.

Aries : Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. I mean that- he's got a gun. Today, chewing gum, a pocket knife, and a piece of piano wire will save your life.

  Taurus: Don't tailgate. Yeah, i'm talkin' ta YOU... You see anybody else heah??? Try to go with the flow, and you'll be overheard in such a way that someone is traumatised for life. Today is a good day to tell that story about your dentist.

  Gemini: You deserve what's happening to you, so quitcher bitchin'. They don't look like Presbytarians to me. In fact, they don't even look like FBI informants- i think you've been set up. You have a bad case of 'happy feet' today. Good luck with that.

  Cancer: Today, you will be touched by fire. Keep an extinguisher handy at all times.

  Leo: Redo that interface. It sucks. Today is a VERY good day for listening to the voices in your head.

  Virgo: Extreme violence is your birthright. Today is a good day to open ALL SEVEN seals.

  Libra: You will find your answer on page twenty-one. Your lucky number for today is twelve. You'll be sorry if you don't follow your instincts.

  Scorpio: Get a haircut. And while you're at it, flatter your hairdresser. Today is a good day to compliment the people around you, and an even better day to be a glutton. Sloth is high on the list today, too...

  Sagittarius: Bet you thought we forgot about you? Hell, no. We're just getting warmed up. You need to re-watch all of your old sci-fi movies. Yes, all of them. there's a message hidden in one of them for you. Watch them till you figure it out. Alcohol may be necessary. Keep an eye on the guy to your left; word on the street is he's out to getcha.

  Capricorn: 'Better' is relative. Show those suckers who's boss! Today is a good day to vent your frustrations and clear the air. Forcibly, if necessary.

  Aquarius: Finders keepers. You'll be sorry if you act on that plan. Bring a jacket. If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump off it too? You kiss your mother with that mouth? Drink your milk. Would it KILL you to ask for directions once in awhile?

  Pisces: the fourth question you're asked after reading this should be answered with a 'no.' Today is not a good day for taking chances; take someone's lunch money instead. Call an old friend. You're going to need a character witness REAL soon.

_

I've always dreamt of starting a psychic enemies network...

This discussion was created by SolemnDragon (593956) for no Foes, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

Virgo: Extreme violence is your birthright More

Virgo: Extreme violence is your birthright

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  • Virgo (Score:2)

    by ellem ( 147712 ) *
    Virgo: Extreme violence is your birthright. Today is a good day to open ALL SEVEN seals.

    Fucking A man!
  • Taurus: Don't tailgate. Yeah, i'm talkin' ta YOU... You see anybody else heah??? Try to go with the flow, and you'll be overheard in such a way that someone is traumatised for life. Today is a good day to tell that story about your dentist.

    Cmon, it's not my fault that little "souped up" rice burner can't go faster than my Explorer. I mean, it was only a slight nudge, and it goes spinning off into the ditch. You see, those stupid looking spoilers for downforce do nothing!! HA!!! And things will be so much
  • Funny, the #7 way to turn down a date is the #1 way [bash.org] to get a date. :)

    -Ab
  • Well the natural response to good rejections is good pickup lines, so here's a good icebreakin' pickup line:
    "I'm robbing a bank tonight and need a wheel person I can trust. You game?"

    *mumble* *mumble* goes to look for piano wire. *mumble* *mumble*

    And no.. I haven't slept yet.
  • Cancer: Today, you will be touched by fire. Keep an extinguisher handy at all times.

    I like fire. I guess I'll fire up the ole grill and super heat it to make a pizza today.
  • Leo: Redo that interface. It sucks. Today is a VERY good day for listening to the voices in your head.

    Does not! It r0x0rs. Wait, I am a Capricorn. Never mind.

    Capricorn: 'Better' is relative. Show those suckers who's boss! Today is a good day to vent your frustrations and clear the air. Forcibly, if necessary.

    This doesn't make any sense at all.
    • I'm a Capricorn too and it makes perfect sense, so get back into your cage, whelp! Now, are there any Virgos I can borrow some Extreme Violence from? I have to set some outside consultants straight. And by set I mean beat, and by straight I mean until the dumb leaks from their ears.

      • Okay, please explain to me why Sol wants me to fart -- "clear the air" -- with great oomph -- "forcibly". Why do you I want to fart with great oomph? Gah.
    • Today is a good day to vent your frustrations and clear the air. Forcibly, if necessary.

      Cool. I think I'll go out tonight and beat the crap out of some gang bangers. It's not like anyone is going to stop me or call the police or anything... oh, wait. I forgot. Over here, the only time anyone reacts to blind violence is if a non-white male gets beaten up...

  • "Sagittarius: Bet you thought we forgot about you? Hell, no. We're just getting warmed up. You need to re-watch all of your old sci-fi movies. Yes, all of them. there's a message hidden in one of them for you. Watch them till you figure it out. Alcohol may be necessary. Keep an eye on the guy to your left; word on the street is he's out to getcha."
    just slightly better than my weird al [com-www.com] horoscope
    Sagittarius
    All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
    Take down all those naked pictures of Ernes
  • #1... oh man... that is brilliant!
    it could be played around with i think:

    "i feel a disturbance in the force, say, you aren't a sith lord are you?"

    and hmmm, being a member of the twins, this is very true. happy feet. moving right along is what i say for today! i don't know how to thank you (i don't know why to thank you! *giggle*)

    • Yes. I agree that #1 is brilliant. I plan on using it. I will report the results when it occurs.
      • I will report the results when it occurs.

        yes, please do. we'll need to get that report before 5 today, so ummm, yeah, gonna need you to uh, well, come on in today... mm'kay?

        don't forget the new cover sheet as well.

        when it occurs

        she says with supreme confidence.

        hehe :-D

        /hides under desk

  • What would happen if you walked up to someone and asked her:
    Hey there. I just got paid today and I'm planning on spending my money on ale and whores, and you sure don't look like ale.
    Egads....I have sunken to very poor D&D humor.

  • #8 (Score:2)

    by tuxette ( 731067 ) *
    #8 reminds me of something a friend of mine used a few times when she was 20-something...

    Some older guy hits on her and her response:

    "Hey aren't you Kari's dad? You used to drive us to school, remember? Oh, you're not Kari's dad? Anne's? Ingrid's? Help me out here, you look so familiar..."

  • I implore you to put this on solemndragon.org
  • Scorpio: Get a haircut. And while you're at it, flatter your hairdresser. Today is a good day to compliment the people around you, and an even better day to be a glutton. Sloth is high on the list today, too...

    Hey, that's me...

    (looks at hair. Realizes it's a mop. Looks at wife. Remembers she cuts my hair.)

    Are you spying on me? You are! You bugged my lair! :( Now I'm going to panic. How am I suposed to be slothful when you've put me into a panic?

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