SolemnDragon's Journal: the madness that drives me

Maybe i will never be all right.

That's probably pretty normal, the sense that under all the therapy and the effort and the lifestyle change/behavioural therapy there's a person who's just fundamentally not right, and never will be.

I feel sorry for myself over it, but that's not getting me anywere. I just don't have the energy to tackle it all right now. Do i focus on the self-image issues, or on trying to cope with the aspects of my past that wake me up crying at night? Do i try to forge a better relationship with my mother, or focus on changing jobs? Do i try to deal with my eating issues, and learn to be normal about food, or can i even do that without going back to where this whole thing started?

I get overwhelmed. It's pretty normal, it's a borderline personality thing- every 3 years or so my life burns down (usually whenever i get something real to have to cope with. Like the getting sick, or the assault- i'm still dealing with the fallout from that on occasion.)

I may go back to therapy again, just to try to get a handle on my life again.

Ultimately, the question is never how, or why, it's "Waht are you going to do?"

Because i don't care how you got that way, or where you think you've been. All i care about is, now that you know something about yourself, what are you going to do now?

And i don't have an answer for that yet. The madness that makes my art into magic also makes my life into mud, and i'm looking for help because i can't live like this indefinitely. It isn't easy to try to fix it; i should know, i've been working on all of these issues for some 15-20 years.

Sometimes i just wish i felt like i'd gotten farther by now, is all.

Don't worry, i'm not feeling self-injurious, this isn't a call for help. It's more just an open discussion about what it's like to carry these things.

More on all this later.

s

questions

[sparky4]

Do the self image issues stem from the same past that wakes you up at night ?

Would it be better to form a safer relationship with your Mom instead of a better one ?

Normal eating habits for you in what you eat or how/when you eat ? If the latter, maybe it is the same stress related to the questions above.

Work may be the closest and quickest to fix, not the easiest by any means, but the one that you may have the most control over at this time.

Counseling ? couldn't hurt , may help.

Looking both ways.

[pythorlh]

The road behind you looks long, and the road ahead looks longer. But it's really just a false perspective. You know how much you've had to go through, and how little it has helped. You feel like there is so much more left to fix that the road ahead has to be longer and more difficult than you can bear. But it's not true. Each past success makes future successes easier. And you know as well as I do, each past failure makes future successes easier too. You learn from you mistakes. And so there may be

Any progress is good.

[Some Woman]

It sure beats slipping backwards.

Keep moving forward

[Shadow Wrought]

Some of what you feel resonates with me deeply. All I can say is that you're moving forward, and I know you will continue to do. I also know that the trust is still young, but it will grow ever stronger.

Take care.

Time for a new yardstick

[nizo]

Sometimes i just wish i felt like i'd gotten farther by now, is all.

I struggle with this all the time, like "wow, I should have already gotten a degree by now" or "I should be stinkin' rich by now, with a job that makes me cry from happiness" but then I realize I am measuring my life with a yardstick handed to me by someone else. Aside from learning to make better scribbles, my art class has taught me that I can't compare my art to other people's art (which makes mine look like scribbles all right) but inst

Re:Time for a new yardstick

[orange_6]

my plan is to draw my own yardstick and only compare myself to people in prison and mental institutions from now on. Yeah that's the ticket; I feel better already.

Lower the bar and you can step right over it! But throw the bar away and you don't even have to lower it! Less work, more progress!

Same here, luv. *sigh*

[MsWillow]

All you can do is work on making it through one day at a time. Hang in there.