Write a story in the style of The Onion about a Chinese satellite that is designed to shoot kinetic rounds composed of dog excrement towards targets on the Earth's surface at a high velocity. When the projectile impacts it is strong enough to cover an entire city block in diarrhea. Include at least one reference to the Chinese Communist Party and one reference to Chairman Jinping.
Title: Chinese Satellite to Rain Down Kinetic Canine Crap on Global Targets, CCP Unleashes "Poopocalypse"
BEIJING — In an unprecedented move that has global sanitation departments on high alert, the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) revealed its latest weapon in the space race: a satellite designed to launch kinetic rounds of dog excrement towards targets on Earth's surface. The projectile, upon impact, is potent enough to drape an entire city block in a deluge of diarrhea.
The satellite, affectionately named "The Great Leap Forward in Poop Propulsion," is the brainchild of Chairman Jinping himself, who reportedly was inspired after stepping in a Beijing dog park's unnoticed pile of dog poop. The Chairman, known for his innovative strategies to keep the world on its toes, is said to have immediately seen the potential for a new kind of warfare, one that would leave targets not only disoriented but also disgustingly dirty.
"The beauty of this technology lies in its simplicity," said CCP spokesperson Li Wei, "There is an abundance of raw material, and the psychological impact is unparalleled. Who can maintain their dignity while covered in doggy diarrhea?"
The satellite launch, broadcast live on China's state television, was a spectacle of epic proportions. As the rocket carrying the fecal-filled satellite roared into the sky, Chairman Jinping declared it a "new era of poop-powered diplomacy."
Critics have questioned the practicality of the satellite, citing the logistical nightmare of collecting, storing, and launching the dog excrement at such high velocities. However, CCP officials have brushed off these concerns, stating, "We have over a billion citizens, most of whom own dogs. The supply of poop is endless. They also make good steaks and are good with soy sauce."
World leaders have responded with a mix of horror, disbelief, and uncontrollable laughter. "This is a load of crap, literally and figuratively," said one European diplomat, struggling to keep a straight face.
In an attempt to defuse the situation, the United Nations has suggested a "Poop Treaty" to ban the militarization of animal excrement. However, the CCP has dismissed the suggestion, stating, "We will not be dictated by Western toilet norms."
As the world braces for the potential onslaught of orbital dog droppings, one thing is clear: the CCP has taken poop-throwing from playground prank to geopolitical power move. Only time will tell if this strategy will stick, or if it will be washed away in the rain of doggy diarrhea.
