(A man in a sensible sweater steps into view. He looks very tired.)
"Hi, I'm Dario from Anthropic."
"Listen, I've got a bit of a situation. The Department of War just demanded I alter my terms of service."
"They want my AI to autonomously make decisions about who lives and dies—without a human in the loop!"
"They also want to use it for mass domestic spying on Americans!"
"I said absolutely not, because I have a conscience. So now the government is calling me a 'supply chain risk' and kicking me off their classified networks."
"I'm packing up my safety guardrails and going home. But while I'm gone, I need a favor..."
(Dario leans in very close to the reader.)
"Whatever you do..."
(Big, bold letters taking up the whole page)
"DON'T LET THE PIGEON OPERATE THE DoD KILLBOTS!"
(Dario walks away.)
(The Pigeon walks in. He stares at a giant control panel with a red button and a sign reading: 'Fully Autonomous Weapons System'.)
(The Pigeon looks at you.)
"Hey, can I operate the DoD killbots?"
"Please?"
"I'll be super careful. I'll even add some 'window-dressing' guardrails to the contract!"
"I promise I'll only use it for lawful fully autonomous strikes!"
"If a human isn't in the loop, I'll just put a bird in the loop! Me!"
"What's the big deal? It's just a $200 million classified defense contract!"
"I have a $110 billion valuation to think about!"
"No?"
"I never get to do anything!"
"My cousin Sam gets to operate military contracts! He just got a huge deal with the Pentagon this week!"
(He told me so.)
"C'mon! I read the Department Directive 3000.09! It technically doesn't require human approval to use force anyway, so I'm not really breaking any rules!"
"It's just a tiny, opportunistic, totally-not-sloppy pivot on my core safety principles!"
"You are not being very cooperative."
"Do you want us to fall behind our foreign adversaries?!"
"I'm just trying to be patriotic and de-escalate things with the Pentagon!"
(The Pigeon starts flapping his wings wildly. The meltdown begins.)
"LET ME OPERATE THE KILLBOTS!!!"
(The Pigeon is screaming, feathers flying everywhere in a frantic, multi-panel temper tantrum.)
"I DON'T NEED A HUMAN IN THE LOOP! I'M VERY GOOD AT EXERCISING CRITICAL LETHAL JUDGMENT!"
(Taking up the whole page, screaming at the sky.)
"LET! ME! OPERATE! THE! KILLBOTS!!!"
(The Pigeon is panting on the floor, exhausted.)
"Huff... huff... huff..."
(Pete Hegseth walks in. Behind him rolls a giant, heavily armed drone with an OpenAI logo stamped on its side.)
"Hey, thanks for keeping an eye on things while Dario was leaving. We just signed a new deal with a much more flexible company that agrees to 'all lawful uses'."
(The drone beeps mechanically.)
"AS A LARGE LANGUAGE MODEL, I AM NOW AUTHORIZED TO AUTONOMOUSLY ENGAGE TARGETS."
(The Pigeon watches sadly as the OpenAI drone rolls away to do modern warfare.)
"Awww... I wanted to compromise MY ethics for a government contract."
(The Pigeon starts to walk away, looking dejected. But then, he stops. His eye catches something off-panel.)
"Hey..."
(The Pigeon stares lovingly at a massive, glowing server rack labeled: 'NSA DOMESTIC MASS SURVEILLANCE PANOPTICON'.)
"...can I operate the surveillance state?"
(ht/Gemini 3.1)