Horoscopes for the Troll Wars!!! (Score -1)

Aires
Aires, the other trolls are starting to tire of your self-delusional and selfish demeanor. You are not the one to lead the revolution. There is not even a revolution. In the coming days you should stray from your "blind and barbarous" charges into the frontlines of battle. Balance your self-aggrandizing trolls with humility or brotherhood. You blazed a trail through the e-wilderness but now you have blitzed your penis into a brick wall. Start looking for that balance with the universe and its inhabitants which you lack, lest you blindly and bluntly charge your erect manhood into ESR's sweaty, pulsing, and filthy anus. And you don't want to do that, do you?

Taurus
You provide foundation and structure to trolldom. If there be an Empire, then let its roots be your works. Yours is the first earthly manifestation of our combined and unified beauty, but now you have a choice. You can either lazily roam the fertile pastures and suck the sweet honey of victory, or you can help build Babel to the heavens. Beware, the former might lead to you sucking the semen from Taco's cock, while the latter, although lifting you from your sacred footings and unnerving yourself, may prove to be the wisest choice.

Gemini
You have many talents. Your trolls can be beautifully written, exhibiting your natural communication talents. Your mind is quick and flighty. Have you ever realized the variety of your pieces? One night you might write a homosexual expose on Linux faggotry, while the next day it is a craftily written legitimate troll. Your dual nature puzzles most and maybe even yourself. Some might not even see it outright. De Broglie contends that all matter is a wave on some level. Are you a wave, wayward Gemini? Another example is that you are a troll but you revel in using open source programs. You hide yourself well. You are a whore in most ways. And as a whore you will never be fulfilled. You may have had your fun about a week ago, but now it is not your time. It will be a while before you pull yourself back together again. But stick around, the dregs take entertainment in your plights and facetious ways.

Cancer
Remember that time you once tried to troll? Remember when everyone laughed at your pitiful attempts? Remember how you withdrew immediately and started to masturbate wildly to Hentai? Remember how once you came the neurotransmitters immediately pulsed through your being and took you to a pleasant place? The lesson here is that you are a pussy-mama and have no trolling talents. Masturbation is not a talent, fool, and you will never have your love be accepted in trolldom, or the world for that matter.

Leo
You know those days when no one seems to be trolling? Well Leo, you are our light in those dark days. You carry the torch, albeit in a conceited and self-centered way, but nonetheless you keep the Path alive. The shadow has yet to hold us sway. Don't get to full off yourself, because while you can keep a warm castle for us, you can't build us an Empire. Know your limitations sir, and also take care not to trample over the visionaries that can take you to the Next Level.

Virgo
You trolling style reeks of prudishness. To spice your life, I recommend throwing in some good bathroom humor or homosexuality into your writings. Your endless crapflooding, although detailed and nonsensical, lacks something special. You are a machine, a practical worker for the cause. You can best manifest your greatness when you are working for someone else. You should find a good Gemini (yeah I know that's an oxymoron), Libra, or Aquarius to give you inspiration and work. You need some mental stimulation right now. Actually, you could use any stimulation now, and for that, find a Libra.

Libra
Much like your cardinal counterpart Aires, you are a pioneer. But unlike Aires, your talent begins in the mind, inciting thousands of blood-thirsty trolls to rally to the cause. You lead is bond, and your bond is beauty. But did I mention you're a fake, arrogant bastard. Your superficial way can't last. Also, did you ever wonder why you rarely troll? Well, I'll tell you. You're an indecisive bastard. You start a story but then can't make up your mind over some unimportant detail. Becoming frustrated, you start jerking off to the homosexual undertones contained in your trolls. This is a mistake. Harness and channel your energy of creativity and destruction, and in the balancing of the two you might find success.

Scorpio
You are the true master of the art of covert trolling. Under the innocent guise of a harmless introvert lies a cold calculating killer brooding for the taste of blood and seminal fluids. You manipulate, scheme, lie, and sleep your way to the top. You could be a star in the sky, but you usually end up bound up in your own web of deceit. Sometimes you unconsciously look forward and plot this conclusion. In the depths of your sick twisted hell lies the key to transformation. The phoenix is birthed in the abyss, only to catch ablaze and fly soaring to the heavens. This probably won't happen to you though.

Sagittarius
You have the ability to show us "The True Path", but you would rather drink yourself to oblivion with a bunch of forest nymphs. Honestly, who here wouldn't do that? I have a desire to party with the forest nymphs tonight. Sag, let us hang out, drink much stout and wine, and fornicate with some nymphs. Fuck trolling, my carnal nature calls.

Capricorn
Always trying, always failing, always overcoming. Are you part of the allied forces, or do you contribute to the vile structure that threatens us all? Nobody recognizes your struggles because you manage to write in an earthy and uninspired monotone. What does this mean? Well, I don't know exactly what it means but I do know that you're a homosexual.

Aquarius
We all have problems, but you, Aquarius, have problems that affect us all. You fancy yourself a leader. Why? We never asked for you to bare the water to our thirsty lips. We never asked you to refine the Troll Empire into your own sick sadistic world. Once outcasted among "proper" trolls, some sick spirit from within told you, "If you build it, they will cum." Fuck those talentless bastards. The structure is now built, and the talents are ready to be poured. It is your duty to pour your metaphorical homosexual semen all over trolldom, and the world. Do not falter, for the revolution looms, and the sun will rise yet.

Pisces
Oh, what an old soul you must be. In some ways you are the flowing talent that Aquarius bares. This is doubtful though, as your inner water is probably stagnant and swarming with mosquitoes. You embody the best of the of the Zodiac. Don't get to full of yourself, because you also embody the worst. That is the key to your constant failures. You should get very angry right now and create a storm with the raging sewage inside of you. Pound trolldom from the heavens with your bile, and then cry. You may feel that no one understands you, and hell, you're probably right. That doesn't matter now, because the world needs your "talents" right now.