Blizzard Entertainment, in an attempt to expand their icy grip on popular entertainment today, has announced a number of huge shake-ups.

First is the pending sales of Diablo loot pinatas, a fun new distraction for when you can pry yourself away from the computer. CAUTION: Keep away from children and child-like adults.

Next up is the surprise announcement of a new unit in the upcoming Starcraft II video game: the Tauren Marine! Taking a hint from the immense popularity of the species in the World of Warcraft MMORPG, Blizzard has decided to bring the moo-tiful horde to the Terran Confederacy in this final battle for ultimate universal conquest.

Finally, at a standing-room-only press conference, Blizzard's top brass announced two momentous updates to WoW as we know it - a console port and a new hero class. While the new class announcement received a standing ovation (and a 10-minute long drum solo), the announcement that the popular PC-only title would find its way onto game consoles sparked controversy and angry words among the divided crowd, ending with 13 arrests and 2 hospitalizations. 3 attendees remain missing.

According to a provincial court in Austria, "close enough" doesn't count. Matthew Hiasl Pan, the 26-year-old chimpanzee formerly known simply as Hiasl, has the support of the Association Against Animal Factories (here's their English-language homepage) in an attempt to lobby for human rights and a human guardian. Since we last heard about the case, a similar claim by a British woman was struck down, though the AAAF is now determined to take the case to the Austrian Supreme Court. They hope to finally answer the question: can chimps be people, and do they deserve legal rights?

Tired of being taunted and terrified by the prospect of your level 70 being mind-zapped? Sick of n00bs who insist on checking your spec at the Armory before accepting you for a raid? Well, no more! Blizzard, in a generous response to requests posted on their forums, has announced the addition of a new item: the Tinfoil Hat.

From the article:

While the Tinfoil Hat provides the wearer with added protection against mind control and other befuddlements, the hat's most interesting and truly unique property is that it completely removes the wearer's character profile from the Armory website and provides enhanced privacy for its wearer!