Grampa: Now, you're about to see what it's like to be as old as me. Are you ready Billy?
Stan: Uh, I guess. [Grampa starts the tape, playing Enya's 'Orinoco Flow'] Okay, you, you can let me out now.
Grampa: Not just yet. [turns up the volume]
Stan: Let me out grampa! I can't take it anymore, this music is terrible, it's, it's cheesy, but lame and eerily soothing at the same time.
Grampa: That's it, now you know what it feels like to be grampa.
Stan: Eh, grampa, I had no idea how bad it was for you. Now I understand.
Grampa: So now will you kill me Billy?
Stan: Sure I will grampa, I will.

Is nothing sacred? Next thing you know, they'll have mobile phone towers in church steeples, nude nun calendars and rabbi rap videos... oh wait

One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere.

Like that time I took the ferry over to Shelbyville; I needed a new heel for my shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. 'Give me five bees for a quarter,' you'd say.

Now where were we?

Oh yeah, the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.

What's the best way to become an elected official:
1. FUD Campaign.
2. Diebold VOTE-RIGHT(tm) automatic voting machine.
3. Be married to indiscreet high office holder and then publicly declare you still love him.
4. Legally change name to "None of the Above"