Guess what! Melissa lost her job not even like a week after I left Convergys.. Those idiots can go fuck themselves. I picked up a position with TELUS and could not be happier. The insomnia went away. The depression is still there but it is alot more subdued, must have something to do with not going to a job I despise every day. I took a trip out to Red Deer on Friday to pickup / see Shane and drop Melissa off, spent the weekend visiting with her family. We even stayed the night at her grandparents house in Buck lake, did some canoe'ing, shane loved it he was soaked head to toe. I think he may have splashed through the septic output once or twice though. This weekend was definitly the Hi-Light of my month. Tommorrow Melissa goes in for a coloscopysomethingorother to find out what the malignant cells on her cervix are. I am scared, shitless. I hope I hide it well she does not need to me me freaking out when she is doing so well with it. Probably she is just keeping up the front for me and her family.

I am putting this here so I can hang onto it, Stuff does not survive my email too long.

Well to understand why I love you so much you have to understand me
and what i want.

My goals in life include a large family, a husband I love, lots of
children, lots of time with them. to be honest work is kinda whatever
helps that happen, i dont have much for goals or ambition where work
is concerned.

I love you because you treat me so well. you are so giving, so gentle
and loving. you dont care about my faults, you can be a sex fiend and
you can go without.

I first fell in love with you because I saw the love in your eyes when
you talked about Shane. he was the first baby you ever held and you
adored him. that is what i want in a husband and the father of my
children. I need someone who'll love me when i'm fat, and when i'm
pregnant, I want a good father for my children. someone who can help
me with all the things i'm useless with, suchas car stuff. you have
accepted everything about me and you love me unconditionally. i'm a
bit of a recluse, i enjoy a quiet life, yes i like to go out and have
fun, but i love to curl up and watch a movie or read a book. i have
a very mature outlook on life, i'm looking for commitment, i want
forever, i want a husband and children. i dont particularly care
about having my 'wild years' i'm old fashioned, i even think arranged
marriages can work out the best. I find that people my own age piss
me off, they have no appreciation for real life, the students' whole
worlds revolve around midterms, none of them can see farther ahead
than christmas or spring break. Even if they have jobs and are
supporting themselves, its just surviving day to day, theres no desire
to better themselves or their situation. I hate short skirts and the
new music, not because i think short skirts are so wrong, but because
they are getting shorter and shorter and OH your ass is showing, and
shorter, and are paired with bra like tops that dont cover anything,
the lack of respect people my own age have for themselves sickens me,
and the lyrics in music these days! its aweful! so derogatory to
women, they're all bitches and hoes etc. I really get uncomfortable,
my priorities are so different.I need a man (this is key, a man, not
a 'guy' or a 'boy') who has goals for the future, who has his
priorities strait. someone dedicated and hard working. I will admit,
I'm worried lately about your difficulty relaxing, you've been pretty
high strung lately. but I've seen you chill out so i'm not too
stressed, I like how old you are. you're old enough to be on the same
track as me, you want the same things. I know you tell me that you
feel like you havent done anything, that you've wasted years of your
life, and as much as i hate what you had to go through to get here, i
appreciate taht you are at a similar place in your life to me. most
guys that arent firmly entrenched in a career and lifestyle enough
that they can move to edmonton with me, are not looking for a wife and
kids out of the deal.I most guys who are looking for a wife and
kids, are not looking at 20 year old university students who want them
to uproot themselves for a long engagement. Its how perfectly suited
we are, and the extremes circumstances it took to make it so that
convince me that we truly are made for each other. I'm very proud of
the idea that God made me, to make you happy. Because I cant think of
any higher calling than that. I'm going to go crawl in bed with our
little boy now, and wish you were here to snuggle us.by the time you
read this you'll be mere hours away from my arms, and i'll be counting
the seconds, goodnight my darling.

Love always,
your Melissa.

PS-Shane was calling for me after I put him to bed tonight, he was
saying 'issa' instead of just 'sa'. and my mom adores him.

Ok I am an idiot, I allways manage to talk myself into a slump. Perhaps it would be a good thing for us to be apart for a couple of MONTHS.. We could allways talk on the phone, see each other on weekends where possable. It would be difficult but I do trust her. Once bitten twice shy you know. I hope she gets this transfer everything would be much easier this way.

So melissa tels me that she is not going to take a pay cut if she cannot get a transfer to edmonton through Convergys. Thats fine but she makes 11.xx an hour, so really if she doesnt get a transfer she is planning to stay here until August. Meaning I will get to see her maybe 2 times in 3 months.. Ack!? Now I am crossing my fingers hoping convergys comes through. Its too bad they never ever seem to be able to do that!

They took some people through our apt again today with any luck it will be rented. I find I am not looking forward to this as much as I was (yeah I am stressed out). I dont know how long I can keep in an upbeat attitude without my fiancee there.

People piss me off! Its is like a never ending stream of morons. If you have ever seen a bad infestation of cock roaches, It is alot like that.

I hate working in a call center people calling every day "speak louder", "speak slower". And on and on it goes. These people just wont SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Neat thing happened today, I show up outside of Marie's moms house to pick up shane and there is no one there. I know I am to pick him up at 1:00 she knows she is suppose to be there at 1:00 and loe and behold. She is not there. My son is not there. The only person that is there is her paren't roomate this old nasty alcoholic who mumbles to me that she isn't here try her brothers house. So I stomp back to the car and Melissa and I take off to our house to pick up Perry's number. While we are there I swap placed with Melissa and let her drive, I cant drive this wound up. So we get Perry's number and I attempt to call him, 'amazingly' their phone is disconnected. I suppose that is what happens when drugs are more important then rent, food or anything. Its amazing to me that someone can be so totally addicted to pot. And its their entire family. Any ways we decide to check Perry's house, we pull up at about 1:30 and there they are sitting on the step. You would think she had left us a message. So I bite my lip take shane make the needed grunts and were out of there. People piss me off! More like she pisses me off.
So, we drop shane off with my parents and he is going camping for the night so Melissa and I can head off to Edmonton and look at some places to rent.

Melissa is going out to the bar with some of her friends tommorrow. I dont know why but this bothers me a bit. I think its because she is the one good thing that has happened to me. And yes I am scared of losing her. She asked me if it was allright to go out. That bothers me a bit too, that she thinks that I would stop her from going out. Definitly not. She can do whatever she wants. If she was bowing to my feelings she would never go out again. =( Insecurity is a bitch. I was going to see about getting more anti deps on thursday as it is becoming obvious that I am depressed, but too much happened I got too busy. Its weird it seems like when she goes out I get this sense of dread, my brain goes around in circles I obsess, and then I hear a yell or something out side and I cant help but think the worst. I hate it. I want it to stop. I would almost rather feel nothing at all then that. Its horrible. So I am working on it. You know mantras and shit. Its easier for me to break out of the spiral now then it used to be. But its still hell I dont wish it on anyone. Alternativly I dont want to hold her back in any way, I refuse.

What else? 9 days of work left, I am a little scared I admit. New apt, new job. I work well under stress dont I? I think I do, I hope I do because this is going to be stressful.

life.

So I have decided to attempt to sort out some of my thoughts.

Marie pissed me off today, telling me to be a father and call my son. She really wants me to call her so she can raz me out about not paying her until our mediation and court cases are finished. Really why does she think I am going to pay her. She also seems to believe that she can just arbitraraly attack me with maintenece enforcement. That set my whole day into kind of an idiodic slide. I wish I could just step on her head mash her into peices... That would be great fun.

Any ways I got a call from this idiot kid I used to pirate sattelite for, Imagaine that he is good freinds with the afformentioned bitch.. err Marie. So wade is leaving messages threatining me and my family on my Fiancee's phone. Man what is with people now a days. I send the little retarded bastard a Text message basically stating he can have his pos ird back and no there is no fix and if continues to think that he can threaten me and my family there will be issues. I hated this little fucker when I was with the bitch, he has done nothing to change my mind. I dont pirate anything anymore! why would I fuck myself over in a child custody battle with that.

I get Shane this weekend, Melissa and I are going to take him to Edmonton with us so we can look at apartments. We will probably take him swimming and to Melissa's brothers lacross game this weekend, good fun lol.

Yeah I got a new job with Telus. Convergys can suck my ass now. 13 days left and I get to go retrain for 2 weeks. Its not data aquisition but at least its closer to the IT field.

I am pretty stressed though because it involves moving. We have attempted to get our current landlord to allow us out of our lease and are looking for people to take over the lease but I am not sure it will happen in time.

To compond matters Melissa may not be able to move up to Edmonton with me right away. I dont know if I can be without here my mental state allmost hinges on her since the custody crap has started. She has helped me out of anxiety attacks panic attacks and is helping me with depression.

We have applied to get her transferred to Edmonton, do hopefully that goes through. So much is up in the air right now I feel like everything is just spinning around and I am stumbling to go in the right direction.

I think it may be time to discuss anti depressent's with my doctor. I feel I am probably in a state that I can take them and stay on them. Although starting a new job and dealing with side effects is not my idea of a fun time. Being in Edmonton by myself and being able to go into obsessive mania is not my idea of a fun time either. It may be time to do the lesser of two evils.

1 hour 8 minutes left of work, I remember when this job was a challange. I hope that Telus is a challenge, I suppose if it is not I can allways start on the courses I will need for my instrumentation degree. God I feel useless 27 years old working with 18 year old kids. I feel like I should be better off and more able to provide. I live in allmost a constant fear that my Fiancee who says that she loves me every day holds me and really does love me, may one day come to the decision that she can do better. The worst part is she probably can. Funnily enough if I was doing better I never would have met her. Should I believe in fate that I was destined to me this vibrant attractive wonderful girl, after so many years of being neglected? Or should I be the rational individual I used to be and be all together amazed by my amazing luck?

I am at a loss. I love her, I would die for her. I am scared of what she can do to me. But for better or for worse I will play this out and see where it goes at least I have the experience, I can hold onto that. Or should be able to, my brain is still scrambled from the drug use. Perhaps some day the memory will be the only thing that stops me from coming that close to destroying myself again. That and the beautiful child that came from the hell that was before. If I could only free him from the clutches of the evil bitch that has him now. Using him as a pawn in her never ending quest to sit on her ass and accomplish nothing for the rest of her life.

I didn't know people like that existed, I do now. I really feel like moving to a country that has no social service's no welfare. Perhaps the lazy dregs of society would not exist. Strange how I have become slightly darwinist, it is amazing what experience does for you.

I suppose eventually if I cannot get custody of him before he starts school I am going to have to grab him and leave the country. I dont want to do that to Melissa though, taking her away from her family is not fair at all. I know that she would go with me.

4 years and counting till I get to marry the woman of my dreams, intelligent, beautiful, strong, kind and vibrant. I really do feel that I am not good enough, that I am holding her back.

Shane will be 7 years old. I .. will be 31. God where has the time gone!? I remember when I found slashdot the first time. I must have been 16 or 18? I dont know.. Melissa will be 25. I hope this all works. I know it will I am committed.

Wow. what will I babble about tommorrow!