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Journal Luke727's Journal: Life 1

I apologize in advance if this post isn't quite coherent; I'm having some difficulty combining my thoughts.

I'm not exactly sure when it started, but somewhere along the way I stopped caring. I know I had friends in middle school and I'm pretty sure I had at least a few in high school (at least the early years), but from the latter half of high school through college and now into the early part of my career for whatever reason I just didn't feel the need. Even when I did have friends I wouldn't say I was particularly close to anybody; as far as I can remember I just never had any desire (or ability, for that matter) to "connect" with other people. It is no exaggeration to say that I have not had a social life in quite a number of years. I was more or less content with my life, or rather existence, until very recently. I'm not sure what triggered it, but sometime in the past month I've started to become (for lack of a better word) restless and also a bit depressed; interestingly it may have coincided with my discovery (and loss) of Firefly. This sentiment was also reinforced more recently while I was watching The Hurt Locker. There's a scene where the black guy is discussing the prospect of getting killed. He says "Nobody'll give a shit. I mean my parents- they care- but they don't count, man. Who else?" That is the situation I find myself in now.

Way back in January I was on a plane coming back home and had what might be considered a moment of clarity. There was this somewhat cute flight attendant walking the aisle taking drink orders and something about her essence just struck me as "pleasant". In that moment I knew that was something which I had never really experienced in my life nor had any real prospects of experiencing. This got me to thinking more long term about life and I just couldn't find any meaning in mine. Everybody has a job that gets them through the week, but they also have something to believe in (or at least to distract them). Whether it's religion, community, volunteering, whatever; it doesn't matter. I honestly don't have that thing. Outside of video games (which I've been getting away from lately) and movies I don't have any hobbies or interests, and there's not really anything out there that I want to look into (maybe I'll try to get back into reading again). I've lived in the same place for a few years now and I realized I don't really know the area. I go to work, go shopping at the big chain stores, and that's about it. I don't go out to any restaurants (or bars) because I don't have anyone to go with (and I don't smoke or drink). When I first started working here I did get a handful of invites, but I never took them up so I don't get them anymore.

Sometimes the restlessness is so intense that I just have to get out and do something, even if it's as simple as driving around for a while. I live in an area where there is not a whole lot of variety in things to do; it is pretty much bicycling/hiking/walking/beach. There are movie theaters, shopping malls, etc., but that's not all that satisfying doing it alone. I am thinking of taking up exercise; I've never done it in my life, but there are a bunch of gyms around so it might be a good way to relieve the tension and depression. Also would help if I ever decide to go to the beach. Maybe lie down on the sand and read for a few hours or something. I joke that I am allergic to sunlight, but it really is quite soothing.

I think it's more than that, though. People debate the meaning of life, but in truth there is no meaning; there is just existence. I feel like some people find meaning in their own way, but I don't see it for me. I like my job, but I don't consider it to be any kind of calling. Having no real outside interests, I kind of feel like I am just floating through the ether. You're born, you live a while, then you die; without some feeling of community it's hard to find meaning in that.

So I'm not really sure to do. I've never been an outdoors type of person, but the idea of doing a little exercise at the gym and reading a book at the beach doesn't sound so bad if for nothing else than to get out and do something for a few hours on the weekend; maybe I'll even meet people. I'm also considering changing my appearance to try to jump-start a change in lifestyle. Currently I let my hair grow out uncontrolled until it bothers me; I also wear a beard, though I keep it relatively well trimmed. Not even remotely Stallman-esque, though some random stranger on the street once referred to me as Charles Manson (I was not amused). I've always thought the 5 o'clock shadow was a cool look, so maybe I'll take a stab at that for while.

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  • Changing yourself is hard to do, but I think it will be worth it. There is something to sharing your enjoyment with others. As a thuoght, if you remember the people who invited you out at work, back int he day, maybe you should invite them? They're likely the most social anyway and that could help jump start things, too. Especially after you get a bit more cleaned up.

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome Lettvin